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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

be kind

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet
is fighting some kind of battle."


this was an email that i received, from dj's grama b, she passed away this morning....
i hadn't checked it in a while..
seeing this
well
maybe we should all take these words to heart...

just a sneak peek



this is after we decorated the tree....my helpers...
jared dissed us for jeremy....he only put one ornament on ...



the kids.....so cute...



charlie brown ..... huh?



collin got to do the star this year

baking at grama mames..

just thought you would enjoy a few photos since you havent seen us in a while!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

happy holidays








i was on a break
lol
from all of you negative people
now we are all sitting together
face to face
this whole week
eating, laughing
it is such a shame that it is all fake

not for me
i love all of you
i love to laugh
but it is times like these
little moments of surfing the net
you never know what you will find


who is talking about you now
lol
fuck off



anyway
i love my life right now
christmas has approached us so fast
i do regret that i could barely afford to buy for my kids,
so if any of you are expecting a gift...sorry...
i am
i feel really bad
i know all of you that spend tons of money on my kids at christmas
i just started working and well....
i had to get my kids their santa stuff..

i dont even wanna get into that
and by the way
my coach bags are fake....

in a few days we will be up at the crack of dawn opening gifts...
and all everyone is worried about is where my kids will be opening
and which house the gifts will reside..
does this really matter
i wish that all of you would just look at things in the big picture
these are my kids memories...
i am trying to make them happy ones
i am trying
so if we open presents at djs on christmas..all together
or if we do it here..
i am doing this for my kids
not for me
they are christmas..
not you
and your selfish thoughts...negative comments
whatever
in the grand scheme of things..
this is a tiny speck of my lifeline....theirs too..
so if i dont make the right decision on the gift opening
it is not the end of the world


so please
enjoy every moment
cause this life of ours is very short..
in a few years, they wont believe in santa...
they will not wanna sleep with me
and they will not want me calling them boopy anymore...
and it breaks my heart
to even think of it


i just love the feeling right now
that i have
i love them
i love all of you
no matter what you may think of me


merry christmas everyone!!!
happy holidays and happy new year!!!


see ya next year

Friday, November 28, 2008

happy birthday logan and zachary.......















i love my nephews
Logan just made my night!!
(well
bens hugs....hello and goodbye.... actually made my night....but that is a whole other blog.......LMAO
god does he have the most wonderful....huge...strong arms...........wow!!!!
kelly is a lucky, lucky girl...ok enough with my ben crush...........AAAAAAAAH HHHHHA Ha)




he was so snuggly and cuddly with me





i loved it
Zachary and Collin are just too cute
the best friends that they are...





i love it...





unfortunately...
my camera has to be plugged in all the time now
no charge to be had on this kodak...
i am so pissed
anyway
my point is that most of the pictures are like from the side...
lol





wherever i could find an outlet




the kids waiting patiently for a peice of cake...






the are some cute kids
happy birthday ( early )
zachary and logan!
i love you

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

have a wonderful thanksgiving!

today i am sad
i said goodbye to my kids this morning knowing that this is the first year we are not all together as a family
they had lots of questions last night
why am i not coming to grama shells
why cant i stay at daddys house and watch the parade with them
and i cried my eyes out this morning
i was huggin collin,
he said mom
you can let me go now
i said no collin
i cant
lol
i fought back tears!!!lol
watching him get into the car with his jaguar
holding him tight...ughhhhhh
told them to call me for the parade and to save me some pumpkin roll from grams...
this is such a mixed emotions day
you know
all that me and dj went through,
we were always together on the holidays
this is the first year that we are not
and i am just
well
sad
as aggrevating as it is to travel with kids on thanksgiving
to all the families and firends
well
i am just really bummed
so i decided to sit and make a list of things that i am thankful for
pshcotropics!!! ha ha
my kids....
my mother and father
most of my family
that i am healthy...for the most part
that my gram is still here for another thanksgiving
my beautiful nephews, when i see their little faces, i light up
i have a roof over my head
i have heat and food and water
i am thankful for rick and joe
and i am thankful that for the most part, i am content...
i dont think i have ever said that
i am content in my life
things could be better, but they can always be way worse...so
i am happy i am where i am
i am thankful that i met mike
i fight him tooth and nail lately
looking for anything to push him away
and he is fighting for me
dealing with all my shit
things are good
i am thankful that i laugh everyday
with him, and my kids
and i am just pretty happy with my life..
things are looking up
so to all of you
happy thanksgiving...
thank you for being in my life

Monday, November 24, 2008

play dates....lol

so today didn't end up so bad ..
i geuss
lol
mike came over tonight for dinner with his daughter
so the kids played together



lily has been waiting!!!!!






it was fun

they had a blast
and it has been a long time since i was hangin with an 18 month old child
very different!!!!!!



she is very sweet though...

jon michael is getting married...........

so if any one you were wondering what mikes...(aka jon michael) fiance lookied like
this is them














he is so handsome! and looks pretty happy
congrats mike!

when i think about the weekend, i think of pot roast






i have a funny for ya



to change it up a little









i was going through old cds...



or should i say unlabeled cd



photo cds



and i damn near pissed my self looking at the









GIRLS GONE MILD WEEKEND>>>>>>>>>>






i have a few fun photo captions to share


megan really did have joe jonas checkin her out...

listen....i dont care what jonas brother you are.....
your little cute ass is not pulling all THIS up there.....let me go
no jen..the harnesses dont get any tighter.........
is anyone else thinking of a pot roast........jesus christ...........LM AO could it be any tighter
i had bruises on my body for weeks after that
blood blisters..........
so funny
i loved that weekend..........

Sunday, November 23, 2008

happy holidays

i would love to know why you post anonymously
all of a sudden you have turned into a therapist...
i wasnt aware i was related to any doctors.......

and i would love to know who said i was doing cocaine
drinking
yes
coke
no
lol
i think it is hilarious
yes i know life throws shit at me
i know i may not deal with it well
but come on everyone
i geuss that is what you all must think of me

cocaine...
lol
wow


maybe i post these feelings the wrong way or maybe i really just do not know how to deal with "life"
but i have to laugh
i geuss i will always be labeled a drug addict to all of you
and i geuss that mask is hard to lose
i am not using drugs...
i can take a drug test for all of you if that is what you need
i have no problem doing that
lol
none

you know..........
i have the balls to post my feelings
it makes me feel better in a way
but i do it honestly and with my name on it
i own it
have the guts to own your bull shit comments, huh?
and so you know
lexapro is not the only medication i am on anymore
its not the meds
thanks for being concerned
and i am honest with my therapist
it is the only person that doesnt judge me...
she listens and recommends
without judgement
i wish you could do the same!
i erased the post i put on here earlier today
because i thought it was unfair to say mean things
but i am right
my feelings are right
so
my friends and family
you are not my doctor nor are you my therapist
NOR do you know what i am doing in my personal life
cause for one...you dont care to ask
you like to just talk shit
for two
you would rather assume than to know the facts!!!!!
and i am not gonna lie
your comments hurt
everyone in my life knows how much people talking about me bothers me
and i know who you are
i have voiced this to you personally!!!!!!!!
so please
just leave me the fuck alone
cause apparently you are being very nice to my face,
and talking shit behind my back
i am over all of you
that is why no one hears from me
i would rather stay in my own little world
cause for the most part
it is happier than i ever was trusting any of you
why the hell would anyone subject themselves to you
the critic
like you and your life is so perfect....lol
yeah
happy thanksgiving
i will not be attending any functions this week
besides my nephews birthday party
at least there i can laugh without worrying about who is saying what
and it sucks cause all of you know that it is this that bothers me the most
i wish that you could come to me
call me
stop by
talk to me
i geuss once again it is easier to send me little comments
anonymously
i fyou have something to say to me
fucking grow some balls...
SAY IT TO ME!
quit hiding behind this blog!

wow
i thought we were past this
so happy holidays everyone
ha ha ha
lol
happy holidays

Saturday, November 22, 2008

crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

i am in a state of mass confusion
my life is in turmoil
everything seems to cave on me at once...
my face is breaking out into boil sized blemishes
the holidays are here...no longer approaching and i am just


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i dont know
i have all these thoughts and feelings floating through my head
i am questioning everything
i think i may need upped on my crazy pills...
i dont know
possibly anxiety

but i am posting this because i just need to not have the phone calls with the fifty questions
i just cant handle it
so i dont snap

Friday, November 21, 2008

well.......i need a degree

just got the call...
they are interviewing two more people...
doesnt sound good,
apparently they need someone with a bachelors degree to type and answer phones
my friend that workds there says not to count myself out yet
they really liked me...
just my luck
anywho.........
not giving up i have two more interviews next week

colorstay

well...


i just thought i'd share


i was filling out applications online...


and collin was peeing...


or so i thought








and he actually stood next to me, talking to me and then walked in the living room to watch tv and i came in....








this is what i saw










i said collin, what is all over you

he said mom
i just used your chapstick...


lol


i love him


oh yeah
and color stay lipstick.....stays!

Monday, November 17, 2008

please keep your fingers crossed

ok
i have wonderful news
i have a wonderful job connection at the pittsburgh houseing authority and it looks like i may be able to get a job as an admin assist
the starting salary is nice and there are benefits....
i am going wed
please keep your fingers crossed!!!!!
please

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

dirty dancing


please pause my music and enjoy the kids.............i dont know if any of you think this is a funny as i did....but wow....i crack up

they are all in their own world...

lol

Monday, November 10, 2008

my wonderful kids

i am not sure how it happens
but i have some amazing kids

i just got back from open house
and well let me first start with abby

mrs caterinella
just raved about her....
how she is coming out of her shell
how smart she is...
about how she works well with other kids and how polite she is...

hmmm....
wow

lol


that about does it...she is that..but where is the abby i know
the abby that screams and whines my name 478 times before my eyes open...
or the abby that wrestles and fights her brother...and sister


lol
so then we go to jareds
i was nervous for this one
i struggle with homework with him
i mean one sheet can take up to a half an hour
i open his report card
HONOR ROLL!

the lowest grade was a 72
that is a low c
and that was in math


but oh my god
his teacher raved about him
how he gets things, just takes him a little longer
how he raised his hand twice last week and asked to sit closer to the front..
how polite he is

and well,
jared is jared
he can be stubborn....
and mean
but he is my baby and loves me so much


and i do him too


and then we get to lily
lol
first of all
mrs caterinella still raves about her from last year
lol
and then
her teacher this year
mrs youngkin....
says how well she has adjusted to first grade...
how intelligent she is
and how she just gets things
she picks them up and is almost an independent reader
(which is mrs youngkins term for advanced)
and then showed us all of her 100% papers
not the lily that gives me the WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT
when i call her name
or the attitude i get of her stomping up the steps


but i geuss my point here is we are doing something right
something i am teaching them is coming across cause they are totally different kids in public
in school
around friends
and i love that
that is when it counts
they can be crazy monsters at home....
and i do mean CRAZY
but they have manners beyond compare and are really intelligent kids in the real world

i love them
i do

they are the best

the tooth fairy

so the little snaggle tooth that was hanging...finally fell out
or should i say...lil ripped it out
it was like someone got murdered
i was doing dishes and she came running into the kitchen covered in blood
tooth was no where to be found...
we assumed she swallowed it .... you know
in the midst of all theblood
anywho..
we searched and searched the living room
then she says
mom
i know i swallowed it
so she wrote the toothe fairy a note....






soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
freakin cute
so she woke up the next morning and flew down the steps..
there was a little silver box under her pillow...
it held five bucks....and a note from the tooth fairy
thanking lily for the note and letting her know that she had retrieved the tooth
and wanted lily to give it to her mom to hold
and under the note was the tooth
lily was in shock....
the tooth fairy actually flew into her stomach and found her tooth
she really is magic!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

today i am at peace..........

i have realized that sometimes you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons
and i am talking about relationships with friends...
i have found that sometimes i stay friends with the wrong people
selfish
mean
backstabbing people and i just dont get why
why do i stay friends with someone that tried to sleep with my husband,
that lies to me continuously
why do i try to help a friend that continuoulsy stabs me in the back
i sat with my friend for three days
laughed with her
cried with her
she said she needed help
that she needed to go to rehab, that she lost herself
she felt that she was going crazy
i know that feeling
i felt her pain....
so i was there
not like this is the only time either
i am always there for her....
always....but no more
anyway
i waited with her
took her to the hospital
she got beat up.....she had her ribs broken and some other random injuries from her wonderful boyfriend...
held her when she cried of broken ribs and a broken heart
and then witness her turn on me
i dont know if it was to go back to him,
or to get away from me
but i gave her real friendship and she turned it down
i gave her honesty
i gave her my shoulder, my heart and my ear
and well
now i am done
i have washed my hands of it
no one can help this woman

no one but herself

because i dont understand how you date someone for two months, let him beat the shit out of you for most of that time and then want to stay with him
someone that has nothing to offer
that comes from a broken, horrible family
no ambition
nothing

i just dont get it
but i am done trying to understand
i am over this friendship because i am choosing to surround myself with positive people
i am tired of others bringing me down
not just this friends
but everyone in my life


so today
i feel a calm
a relief...



i am happy

Monday, October 27, 2008

Happy Pumpkin Carving Day

Happy Pre Halloween...........
WE had so much fun today....




Saturday, October 25, 2008

franklin regional homecoming 08

josh is growing up
and so is meg
i remember singing the alligator song and megan cracking up
and josh
well
he is my first born...
he is the apple of my mothers eye
and he is getting older by the second....
enjoy


Click to play josh's first homecoming
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Friday, October 24, 2008

strangers




well...

all i can say is i am flattered
that this anonymouse person feels they have to spend time reminding me of this shit
what else can i say but thank you
i can look in the mirror and love what i see
i have to admit
some days are a little harder than others
but i am a good person
that made bad choices
but i am me none the less
so keep it coming
this is the last response that you will get from me
i cant wait for your daily comments...
how you think you can get to me
you cannot
or will not
anywho

halloween is coming up
my kids are thrilled to go trick or treating
lol
i just hate the whole day




week




devils night




i am scared




lol




and after watching THE STRANGERS
have any of you seen this shit?



if michael myers wasnt enough
now i have these images in my head
i thought it would be fun to watch a scary movie
like i am all grown up now
lol
no
there arent enough happy movies to take these images out of my head




i cannot go outside after dark
all of my blinds are closed
all the time
my door is always gonna be locked
cause in the movie when asked
"why are you doing this to us?"
the freaky voice behind the mask says
"Cause you were home"
and to make matters worse
at the beginning
you are reminded
that the movie is based on true events
lol
thank you
and good night





Thursday, October 23, 2008

poof.....be gone

you know
i just got a very honest and touching email from my favorite relative...
and she brought something to my attention that made me think
why is this anonymous part of my life
why with such harshness and anonymity is this person even in my life
why do they want to know me?
i am not sure
if you have such strong feelings for me
for my past
such loathing
then why not remove yourself from my life
or is it just easier to sit and judge me
ridicule me for my mistakes than look at your own
or that someone is doing to you

go ahead
i will be your punching bag...
get it all out
cause i can laugh daily
i look back and cringe and cry and hurt for all i did
but how long am i supposed to mourn the mistakes i have made

i love my life so much now
i like me
with all the bull shit
i have lots of character....lmao

and i can do this because i do have a wonderful family
that does care
they dont have to agree with my fuck ups and they can tell me to get up off my ass and do something with my life...
and they can have their opinion
but then that's it
they are not my judge
nor are you
you are not better than me
or anyone else
life is short
too short for someone like you in my life
cause it may not be today
or tomorrow of a year from now
but trust me
the truth always surfaces.................ALWAYS
i will find out who wrote me these love letters
and what will i do with them
NOTHING
because if i let every bad comment or opinion ruin my life
i would be six feet under
~deep breath~
and i am gonna quote her ...... my favorite relative....
"anyone can stay for the rainbow - it is the people that are there after the storm "
and you know what
i should keep that in mind every day
EVERY DAY
thank you
be gone oh negative one
lol
poof

thank you

i sit here and debate on what to do
this anonymous really gets to me...
she knows it
but apparently there are two now because a "we"was mentioned
sooooooooooo
i could blog battle
and cry
and be hurt by reading these comments
i think that i cry because i do know it is true
or maybe i cry because i think i know who it is by the words that are used
women that have been hurt by cheating husbands...
or that have cheating fathers......
or that have cheated themselves and just want to point out my wrong doings to make them feel better....not sure
but hurtful none the less

let me start by saying this

i did what was right for aiden
i made another family complete
and one day i will explain that to my kids
I will answer any question that they have honestly
and maybe these mistakes i made will make me a better mom...
a better listener
a better person
and i HOPE that one day my kids WILL forgive me for me being the person that i WAS
back then
not present
the words you chose in those comments were hurtful
and maybe at one time in my life ...that was me
but not now
so
stop
stop trying to beat me down with past mistakes
i am a person
i have feelings...
i hurt to
and i have hurt myself and others in my life
i dont blame anyone for my decisions and mistakes
i made them
i deal with them everyday
none of you do
none of these decisions i made about josh, or lucas or anything in my life are easy
but they make me an easy target
easy for you to point the things out that you would have done different, or what i should have done
they arent easy things
do you know what it feels like to be all alone in a hospital room...
holding a peice of you, your child, tiny baby... so close
just to feel his breath of his on your face
to listen to his breath one last time before you have to let him go....
to sing to him over and over in hopes he will remember your voice forever....
to have a peice of you gone
forever
tell me you know what that feels like.....
and i know
i know
what i did to get there was all my fault...
but dont you dare tell me how it feels to be me
or what hurt is
i know
these decisions are hard for me
on a daily basis
and yes , at times maybe for me i do look to blame
but i do not blame anyone
not my family, yes sometimes i dont like the way things happened when i was little, what i saw or heard
and i do sometimes blame dj because in the beginning i was a really good wife and i tried really hard to make things work....as i did in the end....we just didnt know how to be married....
and i can sit here and try to justify or give you reasons both of us were wrong, but i am not
it has taken a toll on me
trying to blame
i stopped doing that and looked in the mirror a long time ago
i am the only one i hold responsible for anything going wrong or right in my life
i am moving on
i am past my mistakes
i am trying to make myself a better person daily
i know that all of you would love that to happen over night
its not gonna happen
but you keep trying to put me down
give me all the bad shit
remind me of it
over
and over
and over and over
i can take it
believe me i have taken much worse
i am taking it all in
cause in the end ...
maybe i can thank you
for making me stronger

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

i love life

sooooooooo......
i have been doing a lot of thinking
about life
-i know-
you all are probably like.......here we go......
lol
but no...
i just want to say
life is good.......
it is really good
even with the bad emotional shit....
its good
i have my kids....i love listening to them talk, cry, fight.....
i love that they love each other at the end of the day
they protect each other, they play together and
well
all in all
they are pretty good kids
and i love my life
lol
did i say that
it has been a long time since i have woken up on a daily basis and said........
another day...
but in a positive way
i am at a point where i cannot wait to wake up
to see what my day will hold
i have found a new sense of security in my self
self confidence....
i feel positive





"i am strong because i am weak
i am beautiful because i know my flaws
i am a lover because i am a fighter
I am fearless because i have been afraid
i am wise because i have been foolish
......and I can laugh because i have known sadness....."



i love that quote
i feel like it nails me
instead of dwelling on all my mistakes...
i can be happpy, in a way, that i made the mistakes
i can embrace life today
yes
i know how to fuck up
today
i know how to make things right.....
i know how to let someone care about me
to actually let someone love me
to listen as well as speak...
to give someone else love....
i dont know what to say
a lot of you dont agree with the person that i am with
but you dont know him
everyone judges
makes their own comments
but i just want to say
i have been judged
i have been ridiculed
and i have been hurt
and it hurts
really bad
to hear that people that you care about, your family
can talk that easily behind your back
it hurts
watch what you say people....
words hurt worse than anything i know
please at least have the guts to say or talk about me or him to my face
i let others thoughts and words hurt me for a long time
i refuse to let you hurt me or him anymore
i will stand up for what i believe in now...
i will not stand back and watch and listen to what people say and just agree so that i can avoid confrontation
i am happy
genunily happy
this may not last forever...
i am not looking for forever right now
but right now
i have a person in my life that i feel completely safe with
i feel happy most of every minute of the day
i have someone that SHOWS love for me
and i feel comfortable enought to do the same
we talk, we laugh, we dance, we play......
he gives me everything i have ever wanted in a man...
really
so all of you that hate it or hate me for being with him...
i dont care
lol
i really dont
misery loves company and i am not joining your club again

Monday, October 20, 2008

race car buggies

what the hell
who invented this











do you realize that everytime i get to go to giant eagle....
everytime we walk in
everytime
we fight for this buggy
and i wouldn't care
at all
except
with four kids
in giant eagle
trying to push this big rig through the damn store


well


is a joke
you have to like back up and turn a certain way
so god forbid if you forget something in the same aisle
you have to just loop around the next one to get back to get that one packet of koolaid that you forgot that your daughter will freak out about cause she doesnt have something green to drink ..


ok


i have vented enough



i am putting out a petion to ban the race car buggies and the god forsakin ones that can fit like all of my kids in...
you know
the ones with the extended cab
i think they are at wal mart


too much!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hangin tough




lol



I LOVE IT

OCTOBER 2ND 2008








AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH






this is us......peeing ourselves before leaving Jenny's








this was one of the first seconds they were there...right in front of my face and nada....nothing......NO WORDS!











yes...this is actually joe mcintyre standing at our table.... i look all calm.....inside...i had bubble guts and i was screaming........











yep.....my arm touching danny wood.......yep he is a little guy.....lol






these were the coolest girls to have experienced this with....i will never forget this birthday...











this is when i shit myself.....i mean ....really.....come on....


















then we leave the meet and greet and this is our view...........amazing concert...............just .......







and there he is the love of my life.....

all of my dreams have come true......








yeah .............






joe .....jordan.....donnie..............AHHHHHHHHHHH
WE JUST COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!1



i think about you in the summertime......woah




we love you.............



i absolutley will be loving my new kids forever!





Tuesday, October 14, 2008

new kids ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



this is it


the photo you have all been waiting for


that is my pink arm around donnie wahlbergs neck
i may have been choking him
that was pretty much it
i waited 20 years to meet this man
always talkin shit of what i would say to them
to him
that i loved him over half of my life
and as soon as they came out i froze
literally
i froze
i stood in front of him as another fan...slut whore fan came rushing over in front of me
rubbing all over him and he was returning the favor i might add
but anyway
joe mcintyre made his way over to me
i wish all of you could have been inside my head
panic attack city
and not moving
did i mention that
i watched jenny and deb making their way around to all o f them
debby questioning the shit out of jordan
WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER
and jen shmoozing like she had known them forever
and then there was me
lmao
nothing
no words
as donnie made eye contact with me
lol
i freaked
he said
are you ok
and took my hand
checked me out
lol
ah ha
for real
told me i had nice legs
i still had nothing
no words
i just hugged him
smelling him
lol
then just stood watching
i could not beleive it
then i look up as jon knight walked near and saw deb almost tackle the fuck out of danny wood to get to him
lol
what a night ladies and gents
and well
to top that
we had like the BEST ever seats for the concert
lol
third row center stage
i think i t was third
third or fourth
it was the most amazing night ever
i will never forget it and i will always cherish that i shared it with my bff and fellow new kids loving friend deb
( and jenny too)
and well
it was emotional and fun and exhausting
i hope it is not there last show





lol


more pics to follow when i get em

ahem
deb
cd
lol

thank you deb
thank you
thank you
thank you

Thursday, September 11, 2008

nine kids...........lets play

i am laughing my ass off right now
lol
not laughing cause something is funny
laughing cause i am about to check into western psych


i agreed to let the kids have friends over after school
thinking that they would play quietly
LMAO

yeah right

at first
nice peaceful
the girls were playing, making bracelets
collin and kim....both 3 and 4
playing together
there were five addtional coming over today
so yes if you are doing the math
that would be 9 children under the age of nine





WHAT THE THE FUCK WAS I THINKING...........




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



SO AFTER ABOUT 20 MIN OF THE KIDS DEVOURING SNACKS
(no food left)
TEARING UP THE HOUSE
(every single toy is out and half are broken)
AND WRESTLING
(jared punching and kicking the shit out of abby....and in turn abby beating the shit out of jared to prove she "aint no punk")
i decided to head to the park



tire these kids out



leasson learned


one friend at a time


or just get rid of mine...............

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Monday, September 8, 2008

happy days

today i am happy.............
for real
i feel really good inside
my life is changing for the better
all over the place
i love life
ha ha ha

Thursday, August 28, 2008










so i totally had to find a way to blog this




i got to take my girls to their first boy band concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
















ahhhhhhhhhhhh












i think i was more excited than they were...












we went to see








THE JONAS BROTHERS








and might i add they are a cute little bunch of boys...








so i will spare you all the details




and just say




we got into the concert free of charge




lol




we went there with no tickets




well




long story




bottom line




i promised them i would get them in




and i did




and by the end of the concert we were close enough to actually see their faces




hey




i am a boy band veteran and glad i got some practice in before the oct second show












here are a few pics...




enjoy




i did








Tuesday, July 15, 2008

walk away

people never cease to amaze me
truly
why cant people just shut their mouths
honestly
do i really need the two cents not to mention the third and fourth cent too...
does that even make sense
lol
i geuss these are all life lessons i am learning now
just like i have my whole life
keeping my mouth shut and smiling
thats new
casue it is really hard for me to shut it
knowing when to say enough is enough
cause mamma taught me
it bothers others more if nothing is said at all
keep your friends close and your enemies closer
and walk away
just walk away
lol


im walking
fast
Posted by jenn at

Thursday, July 3, 2008

see ya

well
things are getting funny now
very interesting
it is funny what influence family has on all of us
mean, evil, vendictive people
oh well
i geuss everyone thinks i deserve the worst or whatever
but i will come out ahead
it may take years
but i will....
lol

anyway
the point of this whole blog is to say farewell for a while
i am getting back into the swing of life
i am going to go to work
soon i hope
and in aug i am all ready to start school...
just waiting on financial aid
keep your fingers crossed

but i am saying goodbye
i cannot stand the fact that i talk on here
and all of you that love to come here to try to get me down, or say hurtful things or what ever you wanna call it...i wish you had the balls to say this stuff to my face
i do
but none of you do
words are powerful
they can really hurt
and for those of you preaching
maybe you should look in the mirror
you know what they say about people in glass houses

my whole point is this
what gives you the right
what gives anyone the right

not sure
but i came
i saw
i blogged
im done


i am leaving the cyber world....
ill be back though

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

melissa dettore

i got a blast from the past today
ha ha ha
it is so funny how the new kids can bring old friends back together
melissa dettore...
how crazy is it...
i love it
she sent me a wonderful card and an inviation to a new kids reunion party...AHHHHHHHHHHH
so fun
deb..you are invited tooo....
sometime in august...
lol
i love it
so good to hear from you melissa
and your card was very touching...thank you
thank you for finding me
we will all be back together soon....
ill be in touch

Monday, June 30, 2008

it is officially me....all me

well
i geuss he got his two words
like no one knew
yes i fucked up my life
should i elaborate
no
not needed
i geuss he wanted to make himself look better
if he would have read back
he would have known that i pretty much put all that out there
i am not using this blog to fight
not
i published it
i am not afraid of the truth
i am who i am
i did alot
he did not put all his truth out there either
not even close
i am letting go
of a lot
i geuss he needed to blame me for everything one last time
the finger is officially pointed at me
you got the last one d
lol
you put it out there...the worst of the worst
but you and everyone else knows i am not a bad person
i made a lot of bad choices
obvioulsly...
i am glad things happened the way they did
you hold a lot of resentment
i do to towards you
now i can say goodbye
especially of dj

where are you jenny penny

so i am moving forward with my life
i am sure there are many of you that think i share too much on here
stop reading now
infact some of you should just stop reading all together...


i am getting ready to travel a long long and very different road
i have made life changing decisions today and did a lot of thinking
i have to do the things i am doing to stay well for my children
and for those of you that think i never put them first
well...think of it this way
i have to put myself first right now
for the right reasons
so that i am here for them, my kids
i am doing everything by the law...
through the court
divorce, custody everything
i will never talk bad about my husband or his family to or around my kids
i will never deny them there family
you can rest assure that i have their best interest at heart....
i just want to move forward with our life
i hope that every one can act as adults and think of them first
practice what you preach
i will take responsibility for all that i have done wrong
i have and i will
and i am going to do everything in my power to stay strong for them
to make my kids proud of me
to show my girls that women do do this alone and can survive divorce
and do not need to be treated badly badly by a man
that furniture doesnt fly
we do not need to be put down
talk to like i was nothing
i am something
i am somebody
i am a mother
a sister
a friend
a daughter
an aunt
and most of all
i am a person
i made mistakes but i REFUSE to live my life with anymore regret and WILL NOT let ANYONES words hurt me anymore
i am sure this whole situation will get worse beofre getting better
but i have people too...
and speaking of
i got an offer to change my life today that brought me to tears
to get my life together
with a little help from a friend...
a hand extended....
truly touched me and means more to me than anything i could ever express in words
this is probably going to be the hardest thing that i ever had to deal with
i always wanted my kids to grow up in a house with their mother and father
but we just cant
and after sunday
i cannot
NO ONE
man or woman
will ever put their hands on me again
EVER

Sunday, June 29, 2008

noooooooooooooooooooooo

NO MAN SHOULD EVER PUT HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN
EVER
NEVER
PERIOD

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

update

thank youcarrie
my old and dear friend

it is so nice to seeand hear someonecome out of the wood work

to answer you all who wanna know the little summary of my life
aint gonna happen
cause it can't be short
i should write an autobiography
i can knock your socks off then
but not now
i have had enough of drama
i am argued and cried out
and i am not gonna let anyone hold me down
i wanted this page so i could write freely
to findmy way
here and out in the real world and that i am gonna do
i saw a quote on a friends myspace page
......"people say that i have changed
i say i found my true self"


anywho..........


i have been enjoying my kids these past few days
we all went to kennywood on sunday
lol
i freaking rode the aero 360
and for those of you that dont know what it is...
it is this torture chamber that locks you in and goes upside down and around andholds you in the air for 5 seconds....
upside down....
yes
and not only before the ride starts do i picture the restraints coming loose and letting me fall to my death, but i do it every two seconds as my kids flash by me,waving hi momma....as i feel like i am falling to my death...
other than that we had so much fun...
i took my nephew on the log jammer...
we were all laughing and then that first hill comes...you know....the little fast one...
and he says
aunt jen
i'm scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaared
the rest was all down hill
literally
great
the first ride i take my beloved nephew on
he hates it
me and abs rode the jack rabbit in the front seat
she is such a dare devil
she loves everysecond of it
as i held onto her for dear life
she rides with her hands up and laughing
how free
i watch her hair blowing
and laughing almost uncontrollably
how free
how young
how fun
we all had fun
lots of laughs
i loved every tiring second of it

Friday, June 20, 2008

hey coward

thank you mrs blog
i would love to know how you know so much about me
but of course
cowardly
you type with no name
i dont need anyone to love me
others have always thought so
but i hold my own and people that are close to me know that
so until you come forward and give me your name
please
keep your comments to yourself

one more thing

one more thing today
you people that love to comment
stand on your soap box...
i give you alot into my life
take it or leave it
it cracks me up how people are so fast to tell you what is wrong with you
when they are the ones that should be looking closer into their own life
maybe you all should read some of your comments
on this
and other pages that i have read
people in glass houses....
i have a quote for you all....
i liked it
and i didnt write down who said it..
but anyway
"...and by the way, everything in life is writeable if you have the outgoing guts to do it.
the worst ememy to creativity is self doubt"
i am not sure why i do this
why i blog
to connect
to get others input
not sure
but again
you dont like it
dont read it
and please...can you all give your names
not mrsblog
or mamadrama
or whatever
just deb
or meg
or jen
a name
dont be so cowardly

i care

for one
mrs blog
you should really becareful of what you say
you apparently do not know me really at all
how do you figure i do this for attention
if you dont like it
dont read it
i do this as a release..
maybe sometimes to let others know what is going on without really having to talk about it
do you think it is healthier to keep it all in
just make it look nice on the outside....
please...
you have no right to judge
when you wont even give your name
if you dont want anyone else to know
jenmomlily@yahoo.com
until then
take a rest .....


anyway
no need to focus on the negative...
i have other things on my mind
we have a friend
he has been on my mind lately
he is severely addicted to opiates ...
that is opiates of any kind
pills, heroin....
and we all have known for a long time..
he has hurt us...
and we continue to know that he is killing himself and we stand by and watch
i wanted to make a difference
when he called dj's cell phone the other night, i got a few seconds to hear his voice
it was actualy disturbing
hearing the slur
i asked him why
why he wants to live like this
he said cause he doesn't want to be tortured....
lol
but isnt that what he is doing to himself everyday
i couldnt shake the sound of his voice
the loneliness that i heard
i was there

i went to talk to him
not intentionally,
i drove past his house with a friend...
he was outside
i drove past three times before i stopped
i got out of the car
i gave him a hug
and he cried
and i didnt ask him to go to rehab
i just let him know...there is someone here that will listen
i hugged him again
he shook and cried
he is high
he is alone
and as many of you may not wanna hear
so was i
but see the difference is
i had family that loved me, i pushed away
but i knew they were there...
in the back of my head
i knew they would listen
support
he has no one that cares...NO ONE
no one to say...
i will travel this road with you if you need me
having a hand extended to you is an amazing feeling...
support
and love
i could never imagine not having it because i have had it all of my life
and recently
over the last few years...
friends that stand by me
i stood talking to him...
looking in to this strangers face...
looking for the friend that i once knew
his face distorted, puffy
missing teeth
a lost soul
a boy that is trying to find his way
he wasnt this person
addiction is a horrible disease..
no one ever beats it
there is no cure
you just live and battle
everyday
i cringe at the thought of ever feeling that low
losing myself
being in that spot
where you think you have no one


i told him i was gonna call him everyday
even if he doesnt answer
i called...his aunt is there
he is not
maybe he went to get help
maybe
maybe the support of old friends will make a difference in his life
dj is his childhood friend and i am sure that it makes him feel safe when he talks to d
maybe
just maybe
we can make a difference
if not...
well
i do not want to have one negative thought
just maybe if i can muster up some positive thoughts and prayers...
i just want you all to understand...
i am a caring person, deep down
i blow alot of shit off
but i relate to him
in a weird way
and i do want to try and help
i know not everyone wants it
and i know not everyone will think i am doing the right thing
but what if everyone gave up on me
i just want him to know people care

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

mrs blog is a coward

ok
so mrs blog is too cowardly to come through
i put all my shit out here
and she cant even tell me her name
COWARD

anywho
not much is going on
i am heading to wally mart today to put the pics on a disk...
so hopefully
i will have lots of pics to share with you
i have over 600 picutres on two memory cards that i need to share...
lol
soon
i know you are all anxiously waiting....

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

mrs blog

i refuse to post til i find out who you are mrs blog
tell me now

trim the fat

so i decided no only to trim the fat from my body
but from my house
and really from my life
i am really tired of bloggging
virtual bitching
i am turning into a bitter person
all because of the actions of others
and well
that just aint me
so i am letting go
of it all
all the bull shit
i am making over my body
my soul
and my life
you have to get the mental so the physical can come into play right?

Monday, June 16, 2008

two fat chicks.......

ok
so to let you all know how serious this is....
the weight loss
deb has created a new blog site
lol



http://2fatchicsontheblock.blogspot.com


so come see it
give us some support
lol


this is so hard
but it does give me a focus...........
lol

Sunday, June 15, 2008

fathers day

i have had a few questions/comments that need to be dealt with
one
i cannot post pictures at the moment
my computer...if that is what you want to call it
has no memory
NONE
i cannot download anything...
two
who are you new people...
identify yourself
how do you know me
where did you hear of my blog
just cause you cannot post annonymously anymore doesnt meanthat you can make up names
lol
and not let me know



and three
my shit list
seems you are right mrs blog
someone always is
but let me tell you
deservingly so...


we shall see
today
no one
i had a fun day
i love my family
(most of the time)
today was extra fun
mom email the pics then i can post
oh forget that
just get them burned..then i can post

lol

i got my dad his own set of clippers for fathers day
he likes his head shaved now a days
thinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn on top.....lol

daddy is gettin old....
but that is a whole other blog...
anywho...
seems that with a little bitch wine and a few iron citys...
everyone wanted the henderson buzz cut
but then throw in kentuky joe...
and we got the fades goin round....
and erin even picked up a southern accent


i can not wait to talk to everyone tomorrow
when the alcohol wears off
when they all wake up and see the baldness of the scalp
bill lantz....
BALD
who rah
he looks like he just enlisted
jeff keating.......
HIL ARIOUS
he was like a little puppy
me next
me next
as the wife screams from the gallery
JEFFERY...NO
again with the southern accent....
so he went with the inch guard....
suttle, nice
dad...bald
josh
bald
eric
bald...
so funny


i will definately get the pics...ASAP
and post


til nex time

Saturday, June 14, 2008

im done

im done
i am done caring for those who dont give two shits about me
i can live with them in my life...
easy
but i have to cut the feeling....
the caring
the giving a shit
shut it off
cause when someone doesnt give a shit about you
there actions are cold
hurtful
and repititous
the same shit
over and over
then why am i bothering?
so you want me to shut you off
you got it
ludwigs are famous for the cold shoulder
so....
i am done

Friday, June 13, 2008

i finally cleaned

so today i took a day off of play
i had to clean
and clean i did

cabinets
floors
ceilings and walls

my apt officially smells like a bottle of mr clean
i love it
i need a mr clean scented candle...


anywho
as i was scouring my floor...
i came across a few little spots that were a little harder to clean up


cocoa krispys.............
WTF?
the kids dropped a few under the table
they were wet when dropped
i came across them dried.........


f-ing CEMENT
i pretty much had to get a razor blade to get it off the floor


christ....
what is in that shit that makes it dry like that?????????

like baby cereal.........
you could tile a bathroom with that shit when it dries


so after the three buckets of muddy ass water that i cleaned out of this house of mine
i am ready to relax...
play


but not here.....
its too clean..

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

just babbling

so ..
the video is out
it is here
and i loooooooooooooooooooooove me some new kids
i am hearing them on the radio


my kids are like
mom
your song
i hear it


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



how fun
anywho
i am hot


does anyone not have central air..........
YEAH
me
it is like a prison camp in here
a sweltering sauna box

and it is a mess
i cant even walk from room to room without having a bead of sweat drip from the underneath of the boob down the gut


i am so fucking hot


and did i mention sunburned on top....
yeah from the day that i fried my fat ass in the sun
sitting with the hose as the human sprinkler....lol
that was almost a weeka go and my skin still hurts
my kids dont even look like they were in the sun...
i lathered them up with a 50 and by the time we got down to collin
i was soaking wet with sweat..
n ot that i wear sunscreen
i should
cause now i have these spots on my neck that i am fearing is melenoma...not sure if i spelled that right
anyway
i am just babbling....
i need to clean and dive into the laundry that i have let pile up since thursday..
i have no underwear

Thursday, June 5, 2008

dw

well....
donnie wahlberg
here i come....



and yes i will be in a size 10


did i hear laughing

ok
maybe 12



but not the 18 i am in now
wow i said it
yes i am in a size freakin 18
and i have to wear the xxl at old navy

now if you shop in lane giant....as deb calls is
18 aint half bad



but that is on ly because the sizes range from 14 to like 46
so an 18 in lane giant aint bad


no go to abercrombie....
lmao


the girls that work there are no bigger than my thigh
their WHOLE body is no bigger....


they try to not make eye contact...
helllo
a a hi MAAM

yes

i am a maam now

and the little bitch asked me what size i was looking for


is that allowed
maybe i wanted a mans sweatshirt


or maybe some socks



lmao


yes dear, can you please point me in the direction of the plus size abercrombie....


NO DEAL


anywho...
i always said donnie would fall in love with me if he ever met me, i mean....
psht ca
whats not to love right


i gots a little extra to love now



so deb

fellow blogger
i say we chart it on here

put it out there
weigh in every ten days
make a schedule....
together we shall do it



but it is the dam ice cream and why are krispy cremes so good and always by the register at sheetz

and how do i not drink pepsi


i have got to dig deep and find the will power to do it....

when i meet him i want like the slow motion
the room to stop
people wispering as he stares at me...
LMAO


aaahhhh haaaaa


as he takes my hand
my hair blowing...
tan
skinny and cute


and we live happily ever hafter




yes i know
i am 32 years old
actually i will be 33 at the concert



but its gonna happen
and i aint gonna be fat



oh yeah
i am looking for any takers for that weekend

October second
is the concert
so i neeed sitters for the day before, day after and the day

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i still cant believe it....lol

and for all of you that think it really may happen
the hook up
me and donnie
yeah
he's on my list
its legal
number one in the top three


you know
when you get married, you have the list of three people you are permitted to sleep with..........
i have mine laminated in my purse
just in case i run into donnie
collin farrel
or matthew mc...









ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh donnie

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

WE ARE GOING

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



WE ARE GOING
WE ARE GOING


VIPS

WE WILL BE THE ONES IN THE FIRST TEN ROWS
THE ONES IN THE MEET AND GREET



HOLY SHIT



I LOVE YOU DEB
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

one more thing

so i got it
i read the comments over and over
and i am sorry if i am coming off all pissy
but i am a miserable bitch
i am
and you all dont make it much easier for me to snap out of it


i just want to make one thing clear and then i am done defending my blog


I NEVER CLAIMED TO BE DOING IT ALL ALONE
I claimed to have an asshole husband
yes
there i said it
and he is not an ass all the time.....lol
and i did claim to be trying to get my shit together
trying to make a marriage work
and trying to be a good mother and house wife...

but i never said anything about our family not being there for me...mine or his

i get lots of help from you michelle
infact i think i thanked you in a blog of mine


and mom
you too
even though we dont talk much, i know you support me


and to everyone else...

wait

no

christ do i have to hand out ribbons or little certificates to let you all know that you are appreciated


i sit here and i read these comments from family and let me tell you
you can come on here and be anonymous all you want
i know who you are just by the words that you use

it is so sad that i have to do this...
i wanted to have a blog where i could be funny
or where i could vent when i was pissed off
and now it is being used against me
to keep tabs on my feelings

does it make you feel good to try to wreck this too
to throw your two cents in

i didnt mind it for a while
but if you are going to read this blog...then READ it
dont skim it

i love the comments good and bad
when they are about the blogs that i write
not the ones that you skim......

last day

so today is the last day of school....
i was taking pictures this morning
so i can have first day...
last day



jared is all like WOO HOO..
lily....am i gonna see my friends?
and abs...she is excited to be in kindergarten....
all of them came home yesterday with packets of papers
work from this year
journals
work from all year and
blank pages ....
crisp new worksheets to do over the summer


i think jared already pitched his...
lily's are under lock and key
she has started her packet...
only one sheet a day
and so has abs
the two of them ( the girls)
are already through it...


so funny
they are all so different
and all getting so big


oh well..
as soon as i get my computer working normally again
i will begin to post pictures

so i am taking ideas
for activites for the summer
i already am on it for the childrens museum membership
it is air conditioned and well...that right there sold me
we have aunt kaths pool....
and i will have to start saving for gas now...
zoo...........NO
i hate the zoo
it stinks
it is all pretty much up hill
and most of it is in the hot sun
so
the henderson clan more than likely,
unless bribed
will not be seen at the zoo this year
and we have the sprinkler park
other wise known as swisshelm...
we live there
i literally pack for the day
and park it
the kids love it
they can run and play
get wet
nap in the shade and it is free


so if any of you care to join me
that is where i will most likely be this year
the sprinkler park

i will either be there or haning out on the rankin bridge....
YEE HAW
summer is here!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

i am almost on e

i am so frazzled
this blog was to hep me find myself
to write what i want
what i feel
and i spend most of the time explaining why i feel certain ways
i am now done
i am going to type happy shit
fucked up shit
sad stuff
whatever stuff



i cant stand it anymore
it is funny this way
i put my feelings out there
and you all....you know who you are.......
just use it as my weakness
an achilles heal if you may...


well watch out
cause i am on to you
keep your friends close
and your enemies closer....


i think that some of you are just mean
mean
mean
mean


thank you charlotte
thank you
you always open my eyes when i become blinded

it is funny...this life of mine
when i think that i am just getting to find out who people really are
let my guard down
to let you in
and you shit on me

i am done explaining
i am done doing things for you
and i am done tiptoeing around you

and stop using this blog as a way to communicate anonymously
tell me if you have a problem
and own your comments
i have the balls to put it out there
why dont you claim your comments
coward

from now on...i will put it all out there
the funny
the sad
the angry
and the pathetic

i am running out of emotion for some people
i am alomost on e
careful

Monday, June 2, 2008

90210

who is reading from california....
lol


please let me know
is that you nicole?

sex and the city

well
i have to tell you
i dont remember the last time i went to the theatre
The blair wtch project



and to top it all
i went alone

yes
lily had a birthday party at the theater and i went while she partied
something i think everyone with kids and a husband should do once in their life
it is dark
and quiet
and you are completely thrown into this wonderful movie...
it is a movie i wish i would have waited to see with deb, but none the less
Sex and the city is one of the most wonderful movies i have ever seen in my life
these women..the characters....
so wonderful
a movie about friendship
TRUE friendship


as samantha sat feeding pudding to a devestated carrie....
i balled my eyes out
and thought of you deb
you would so do that...as i for you
except ours would be a rudys steak hoagie or a slice or two from mineos
and we would probably not be in mexico...but still......



i laughed asuch as i cried and i felt good..
if you are a sex and the city fan..as i am
(never missed one episode)
this movies stay true to the story line of the show...the characters

i just cannot say enough

from the first moment it captures you and you feel everything they are....
and i to agree with deb...
my favorite part of this movie...
charlotte..
the feeling that shows through..
carrie sees big
and then turns to charlotte
and holds her so tight...
NO
oh my....whew
it wells me up just thinking of it
to feel for a friend...
to feel that much for a friend...
takes my breath away


i am lucky enough to have found it again
i can honestly say
when no one else is here for me
deb is
and i know if my "situation" ever got that out of control...she too would let me know
let me know the truth no matter how horrible it sounds
i know i can count on her for the hard truth...
whatever it is


she makes me laugh
we have cried together
and i would do just about anything for her
and know she would and has done just about everything for me


words could never thank you for all that you have done for me deb
you are my charlotte


love you

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

tank top...

i got a tan today


ah ha ha ha


lol

yes ladies and gents
i took the fat into the sun and burned it


i think a passerby actually asked if someone was cooking bacon....
no just me ...
tanning

lol


i dont know what the fuck i looked like
but while the boys played on the porch...
i sat on the side walk
tank top
and shorts


yes


i said
tank
top


lmao


white fat is nasty
tan fat looks better


lol

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

random thoughts

well....i had an interesting weekend so say the least
i wish to f ing god this computer...or whatever you want to call it would download my pictures, but it refuses to do so...
lilys party was saturday...
i just wanted to say thank you to dj's mom and my mother and father for all the help
thank you so much
i would love to vent and bitch...but i am not gonna waste time, space or typing energy to do so...
most people, the ones that are close to me, know what happened this weekend
i dont know what to do..
most women i feel would know
i do not
and that is how i am gonna leave it
i just dont know

i do know that i think i am having anxiety attacks..
certain things overwhelm me and i get chest pains and shortness of breath
my tounge feels like is swells and i have to lay down...


anyway


i do want to say this....


i would love to know what thing was placed in a mans head that makes them the way they are...
thought less....
completely selfish
rude
and always right



if anyone would care to shed some light on this....please please...
feel free to enlighten me



and why do we as women put up with the bull shit




for guilt maybe
past mistakes...


or maybe it s "for the kids"

not sure

i am not sure why women stay...
love?
fear?
i am exploring today..thoughts
so bear with me


i may blog alot
or none


never mind
i dont have shit to say

Friday, May 23, 2008

I love new kids

so the response from the VIP blog was awesome
and yes i will be taking pledges for the walk schedule late july






lol





WALK FOR JEN TO SEE NEW KIDS IN DC



lol




more to follow

Thursday, May 22, 2008

VIP

so you see i am having issues


and not serious ones...like family issues or what have you


i am seriously stressing the fact that my loves, my new kids are not coming to pittsburgh, so now we have to stress about where we can go to see them


the ticket prices are outrageous....


they are making a pretty penny



but who cares



deb decided on dc cause we can stay with jen
and they have this package ...
VIP
that you can get on their web site
http://www.nkotb.com/


there you can get this package


THE VIP package


they should call it

you are over thirty now and you want that one last grasp on your teenage years tickets...


cause i am trying to figure out ways to get it....money wise

maybe i should to a walk

walk to send jen to see her first loves



or maybe sell candy for the trip..hey i can stop at the smithsonian....it could be educational...


but people please



to see these faces
and lets see ewhat else does this price include
ah yes a
Fucking MEET AND GREET
yes can you even believe it
i cant
so not only are in you the first ten rows
and lets face it
i am big
i will be in the front mid concert
but you can get them a week before anyone else
you have a pre party
and a fucking meet and greet
how can you say no
to whatever the price is
so what if the kids have to eat hot dogs and water all summer
im there!
im taking pledges....please leave info in the comments..thanks

yeah yeah

so i was in the worst mood yesterday
i mean christ
i read the blogs
and well by now ....well
i say i am allowed like one a week
then two weeks
then monthly
so for now
just deal with it bitches

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

whatever

i am so sick of my fake friends
how are you gonna say to me that you will always be there for me
but then when i have a day and i really need a break and i say
i was thinking of stopping over
and then no response
so then i say
oh well
i am just going to walk
and i get
ok call me when you get back if you need to talk
WHAT
then i call back and the person is drunk
hanging out with some chick
ok
i understand if you have plans
but just tell me
i am tired
i am always here for my friends
always
no matter what
if someone calls
i go
i am here
open house
i am so tired of every ~fucking ~body
tired
tired
tired




whatever
oh well....right
lol
christ

just a little life

so i dont know what the hell is going on with this computer
i have to do the recovery shit everymorning...lol
just to get in touch with the internet
i love it here
babbling
reading
i love the internet....



anywho..


i have been doing a lot of thinking lately
about my own trials and tribulations...
my own shit
and the shit of those that i love
lol
i see people struggling with their day to day
just as i do

and listen folks
this has been a real shitty year so far and last year was no picninc either
...i feel like i am at a stand still with my growing and learning of me process
like i am treading water
i am just here


it is such a hard situation, and something only those of us that have gone through it...no matter what type...addiction is ...
HELL
you dont know how you started, or how you end up at such an emtional bottom....but you did and it takes alot to get out from underneath that...
that guilt
i dont know if it will ever go away for me...
all i know is now...
just need to make things better for my family everyday


anyway

as i was saying



i just feel there has gotta be something more to it than this
this day to day shit
just more to it
and i try to put more into my life
activities with the kids
movie night with them
taking them places
reading
or just playing with them or listening to them tell me stories...
i love that
i do



i feel like i am worth more than what i have..
i have wonderful kids...no arrgument there
thats not what i need more of
i am on full with that...


and i have an ok marriage
i work daily at it


marriage is the hardest thing, besides addiction that i have ever had to really struggle and work for daily
i didnt do that for a long time..


i wasnt used to having to prove my self to anyone
and now i do that on a daily basis


and i know fighting addiciton is one thing
i know that i need to do that on a daily basis
but am i really supposed to be putting up with so much of "life" (that's what i am gonna call bull shit from now on)
i mean i deal with a lot of "life"
from all ends

family
husband
friends


i just dont know how much is enough
how long do you let people pigeon hole you
just try to push you down
to hurt you
test your boundaries

i have become such a miserable bitch
and it is all because i have to suppress so much feeling and so much hurt
hide it all away

and well.....
we all know what happens when i bottle shit up..
hide away from the world
and i refuse to let that happen to me again


i am so tired
tired of the all this life i deal with

things have to change
i can only do so much from one side
the counseling
the therapy


yes it helps me
but i am not a me anymore
havent been for a long time
we are a we
a family



i just want to have an internal happiness
to feel complete...
does that happen
does anyone feel perfectly happy on a day to day basis
or does everyone put on that happy face
"oh we are so in love "
or
"oh my son is so perfect "in his nice shoes and matchine outfits.........
or
my kids are f-ing geniuses....we are reading war and peace
at like 2

i mean
i am so tired of questioning myself
and dont get me wrong
i dont want perfect
i know now there is no such thing..........no where!

but what is good enough


and why



why the fuck at 33 soon to be 34 am i so fucking worried what people say about me
seriously

when does the insecurity leave you..
ever?

alright i am done



seriously
sometimes i have really shitty days
and i question so much
and most of the time
no
i do not get the answers
but it keeps my head clear if i can ask