Thursday, October 23, 2008

thank you

i sit here and debate on what to do
this anonymous really gets to me...
she knows it
but apparently there are two now because a "we"was mentioned
i could blog battle
and cry
and be hurt by reading these comments
i think that i cry because i do know it is true
or maybe i cry because i think i know who it is by the words that are used
women that have been hurt by cheating husbands...
or that have cheating fathers......
or that have cheated themselves and just want to point out my wrong doings to make them feel better....not sure
but hurtful none the less

let me start by saying this

i did what was right for aiden
i made another family complete
and one day i will explain that to my kids
I will answer any question that they have honestly
and maybe these mistakes i made will make me a better mom...
a better listener
a better person
and i HOPE that one day my kids WILL forgive me for me being the person that i WAS
back then
not present
the words you chose in those comments were hurtful
and maybe at one time in my life ...that was me
but not now
stop trying to beat me down with past mistakes
i am a person
i have feelings...
i hurt to
and i have hurt myself and others in my life
i dont blame anyone for my decisions and mistakes
i made them
i deal with them everyday
none of you do
none of these decisions i made about josh, or lucas or anything in my life are easy
but they make me an easy target
easy for you to point the things out that you would have done different, or what i should have done
they arent easy things
do you know what it feels like to be all alone in a hospital room...
holding a peice of you, your child, tiny baby... so close
just to feel his breath of his on your face
to listen to his breath one last time before you have to let him go....
to sing to him over and over in hopes he will remember your voice forever....
to have a peice of you gone
tell me you know what that feels like.....
and i know
i know
what i did to get there was all my fault...
but dont you dare tell me how it feels to be me
or what hurt is
i know
these decisions are hard for me
on a daily basis
and yes , at times maybe for me i do look to blame
but i do not blame anyone
not my family, yes sometimes i dont like the way things happened when i was little, what i saw or heard
and i do sometimes blame dj because in the beginning i was a really good wife and i tried really hard to make things i did in the end....we just didnt know how to be married....
and i can sit here and try to justify or give you reasons both of us were wrong, but i am not
it has taken a toll on me
trying to blame
i stopped doing that and looked in the mirror a long time ago
i am the only one i hold responsible for anything going wrong or right in my life
i am moving on
i am past my mistakes
i am trying to make myself a better person daily
i know that all of you would love that to happen over night
its not gonna happen
but you keep trying to put me down
give me all the bad shit
remind me of it
and over
and over and over
i can take it
believe me i have taken much worse
i am taking it all in
cause in the end ...
maybe i can thank you
for making me stronger