Friday, February 27, 2009

just rambling

i cant sleep
i hate when my kids arent here
i hate that he has all the cool stuff and lets them do whatever the hell they want
he is the cool parent
and i hate that i fucked my marriage up
i hate that my life got so out of control
i hate all the mistakes i have made in my life
all the hurt i have caused others
and now myself
i have so much going on in my head i am wondering of all these meds are ok
or if they are making me manic
they said it could happen
i seem to not be able to focus
i am all over the map
emotionally too
i did decide today to let dj go
in my head
emotionally free myself of him
i have been trying to make things right
but in all reality
we dont work
as friends or otherwise
we dont like each other
and while i thought i could be the one to save my family
like he did many times before
and i turned him down
hurt him
its too late
there is so much damage done
and i need to get myself right
i left one bad relationship and found another
i finally got the ok that i got the job in ths section 8 offices...
but the process is long
i interviewed, tested, drug tested, background checked...all of which passed to all of you that may be doubting
and they hired me part time
but it is general
i still have to interview in the actual office to see when i start
its weird
i dont know if any of you ever worked for a government or state office...but it is a long process ..
i shouldnt bitch....thanks alin for getting me in

just thought id let you all know whats going on
nothing exciting
collins birthday party is coming up
i cant wait
til next time....

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 many of us have them

have you missed me?
lots have happened
mike is gone
i feel like a fool...
i got know what i am saying
i feel like a fool
i broke it off with him earlier in the month and then found lots out...
but i was already done anyway
so finding out i was the other woman...
still stings a little
especially because i stuck up for him
believed in him
ah ha
jokes on me

karma is a bitch
then the following week
that would be this week
get the info that a very close friend has been creeping around, telling lies and "spending time" with someone...i am not even gonna explain who that person is
but isnt there some kind of friend rule
like a girl code that says not to sleep with your best friends ex
or tell you that she will be right back and then go spend the night at his house
or set you up
or talk to you while sitting on his couch .... while i am crying about my "friend"is spending time with him...letting him listen
fifteen years i have known this person
this woman
i have actually held her for days while she cried
watched this girl get the shit beat out of her by men
she lived in my house...and well now finding ....never mind
and they are JUST FRIENDS
i was at her house a few weeks ago and noticed a pair of his socks by her
never thought about it
just assumed that they were from my house...a pair that i had
i am just that stupid
but wow
this is movie shit
like shit you watch and say thats fucked up
what kind of friend does this

i mean i know that i may deserve this
to be made a fool of
so i geuss jokes is on me......let me hurt

have you ever read the book he's just not that into you?
read that chapter
it is almost impossible for these two to be just friends
but i am not gonna say anymore
and it will make you laugh

i have done a lot of hurting in my life
given and recieved
and i geuss now i am paying...i mean i dont know
and karma is a mother fucker.....
thank god for therapists and lexapro and the list of meds i am on
or i may have handled things differently
i am changing for the better by the day and maybe this is God's way of showing me who is important in my life and who isn't
get rid of the garbage...
i will come out on top
no more whoe is me
i will cry....a good cry and then pack it away...
this all helps to build a stronger jen
and while the thought of these two together makes my physically sick...
these two deserve each other...