Monday, June 30, 2008

where are you jenny penny

so i am moving forward with my life
i am sure there are many of you that think i share too much on here
stop reading now
infact some of you should just stop reading all together...

i am getting ready to travel a long long and very different road
i have made life changing decisions today and did a lot of thinking
i have to do the things i am doing to stay well for my children
and for those of you that think i never put them first
well...think of it this way
i have to put myself first right now
for the right reasons
so that i am here for them, my kids
i am doing everything by the law...
through the court
divorce, custody everything
i will never talk bad about my husband or his family to or around my kids
i will never deny them there family
you can rest assure that i have their best interest at heart....
i just want to move forward with our life
i hope that every one can act as adults and think of them first
practice what you preach
i will take responsibility for all that i have done wrong
i have and i will
and i am going to do everything in my power to stay strong for them
to make my kids proud of me
to show my girls that women do do this alone and can survive divorce
and do not need to be treated badly badly by a man
that furniture doesnt fly
we do not need to be put down
talk to like i was nothing
i am something
i am somebody
i am a mother
a sister
a friend
a daughter
an aunt
and most of all
i am a person
i made mistakes but i REFUSE to live my life with anymore regret and WILL NOT let ANYONES words hurt me anymore
i am sure this whole situation will get worse beofre getting better
but i have people too...
and speaking of
i got an offer to change my life today that brought me to tears
to get my life together
with a little help from a friend...
a hand extended....
truly touched me and means more to me than anything i could ever express in words
this is probably going to be the hardest thing that i ever had to deal with
i always wanted my kids to grow up in a house with their mother and father
but we just cant
and after sunday
i cannot
man or woman
will ever put their hands on me again


supahmommy- somethin's wrong with that girl said...

Hoo rah.


the reason said...

it really sucks that you blog and air your one sided veiw about a man. a good man who stood by you when you had a seriuos drug problem. a good man who stood by you when you spent every dime you had on pills. so much that the gas was turned off in the middle of winter with four kids in the house. a good man who stayed when he found out one of his children was not conceived by him. a good man who stood next to you while you were pregnant by a crackhead you met in rehab. i guess all that means nothing becuase one time he snapped. one time he reached his breaking point and got physical. by no means does that make it ok. wrongs were done on both parts through out that relationship but dont make a good man look bad just because you can. a good man

carrie said...

i think the most interesting things in this world are old, worn down, have been beaten up and yes, distressed. we end up paying good money for these antiques--for the character and uniqueness they bring to our homes & our life.

i think the most interesting people in this world are those who have fucked up the most.

do all the mistakes make them stupid or thought of as less of a person? maybe. if the mistakes were for nothing. if the person hasn't learned or hasn't decided to move forward.....i might think that, yes. If we are putting it out there. but who am i to judge? why would you care? who is anyone to judge a fuck up? and honestly, do we or you really care who is bringing on that judgement? is there any value to an opinion except that it makes that person a little more distressed????

so the fuck-ups. they will bear that unsightly mark and scars of those awful bone chilling, mouth agape mistakes, yes. those will never fade. you know that already. and you, jenn seem to be reminded of that on a daily basis--just in case you forget where you have been. but you have decided, based on all your fuck ups that there is a new option. and i like that.

and you may still fuck up--but you'll be making new mistakes with sound and sober judgement---with new knowledge, with support. but here's a thought--we all fuck up.

but you do have a long haul. and you have more baggage than most to slow you down. but for every step you move forward, your load may just start feeling a little lighter and in the end, you will be older,worn and you will be beaten down and yes, distressed.

and you will likely be the strongest, most interesting person with hands down the most character & spirit--who inspired herself to do what she thinks is right.

for you and for your kids. i wish you best, always. i know you can do it. under all that shit, i know you're in there somewhere.

just keep going.