Monday, June 30, 2008

it is officially me....all me

i geuss he got his two words
like no one knew
yes i fucked up my life
should i elaborate
not needed
i geuss he wanted to make himself look better
if he would have read back
he would have known that i pretty much put all that out there
i am not using this blog to fight
i published it
i am not afraid of the truth
i am who i am
i did alot
he did not put all his truth out there either
not even close
i am letting go
of a lot
i geuss he needed to blame me for everything one last time
the finger is officially pointed at me
you got the last one d
you put it out there...the worst of the worst
but you and everyone else knows i am not a bad person
i made a lot of bad choices
i am glad things happened the way they did
you hold a lot of resentment
i do to towards you
now i can say goodbye
especially of dj

where are you jenny penny

so i am moving forward with my life
i am sure there are many of you that think i share too much on here
stop reading now
infact some of you should just stop reading all together...

i am getting ready to travel a long long and very different road
i have made life changing decisions today and did a lot of thinking
i have to do the things i am doing to stay well for my children
and for those of you that think i never put them first
well...think of it this way
i have to put myself first right now
for the right reasons
so that i am here for them, my kids
i am doing everything by the law...
through the court
divorce, custody everything
i will never talk bad about my husband or his family to or around my kids
i will never deny them there family
you can rest assure that i have their best interest at heart....
i just want to move forward with our life
i hope that every one can act as adults and think of them first
practice what you preach
i will take responsibility for all that i have done wrong
i have and i will
and i am going to do everything in my power to stay strong for them
to make my kids proud of me
to show my girls that women do do this alone and can survive divorce
and do not need to be treated badly badly by a man
that furniture doesnt fly
we do not need to be put down
talk to like i was nothing
i am something
i am somebody
i am a mother
a sister
a friend
a daughter
an aunt
and most of all
i am a person
i made mistakes but i REFUSE to live my life with anymore regret and WILL NOT let ANYONES words hurt me anymore
i am sure this whole situation will get worse beofre getting better
but i have people too...
and speaking of
i got an offer to change my life today that brought me to tears
to get my life together
with a little help from a friend...
a hand extended....
truly touched me and means more to me than anything i could ever express in words
this is probably going to be the hardest thing that i ever had to deal with
i always wanted my kids to grow up in a house with their mother and father
but we just cant
and after sunday
i cannot
man or woman
will ever put their hands on me again

Sunday, June 29, 2008



Tuesday, June 24, 2008


thank youcarrie
my old and dear friend

it is so nice to seeand hear someonecome out of the wood work

to answer you all who wanna know the little summary of my life
aint gonna happen
cause it can't be short
i should write an autobiography
i can knock your socks off then
but not now
i have had enough of drama
i am argued and cried out
and i am not gonna let anyone hold me down
i wanted this page so i could write freely
to findmy way
here and out in the real world and that i am gonna do
i saw a quote on a friends myspace page
......"people say that i have changed
i say i found my true self"


i have been enjoying my kids these past few days
we all went to kennywood on sunday
i freaking rode the aero 360
and for those of you that dont know what it is...
it is this torture chamber that locks you in and goes upside down and around andholds you in the air for 5 seconds....
upside down....
and not only before the ride starts do i picture the restraints coming loose and letting me fall to my death, but i do it every two seconds as my kids flash by me,waving hi i feel like i am falling to my death...
other than that we had so much fun...
i took my nephew on the log jammer...
we were all laughing and then that first hill know....the little fast one...
and he says
aunt jen
i'm scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaared
the rest was all down hill
the first ride i take my beloved nephew on
he hates it
me and abs rode the jack rabbit in the front seat
she is such a dare devil
she loves everysecond of it
as i held onto her for dear life
she rides with her hands up and laughing
how free
i watch her hair blowing
and laughing almost uncontrollably
how free
how young
how fun
we all had fun
lots of laughs
i loved every tiring second of it

Friday, June 20, 2008

hey coward

thank you mrs blog
i would love to know how you know so much about me
but of course
you type with no name
i dont need anyone to love me
others have always thought so
but i hold my own and people that are close to me know that
so until you come forward and give me your name
keep your comments to yourself

one more thing

one more thing today
you people that love to comment
stand on your soap box...
i give you alot into my life
take it or leave it
it cracks me up how people are so fast to tell you what is wrong with you
when they are the ones that should be looking closer into their own life
maybe you all should read some of your comments
on this
and other pages that i have read
people in glass houses....
i have a quote for you all....
i liked it
and i didnt write down who said it..
but anyway
"...and by the way, everything in life is writeable if you have the outgoing guts to do it.
the worst ememy to creativity is self doubt"
i am not sure why i do this
why i blog
to connect
to get others input
not sure
but again
you dont like it
dont read it
and please...can you all give your names
not mrsblog
or mamadrama
or whatever
just deb
or meg
or jen
a name
dont be so cowardly

i care

for one
mrs blog
you should really becareful of what you say
you apparently do not know me really at all
how do you figure i do this for attention
if you dont like it
dont read it
i do this as a release..
maybe sometimes to let others know what is going on without really having to talk about it
do you think it is healthier to keep it all in
just make it look nice on the outside....
you have no right to judge
when you wont even give your name
if you dont want anyone else to know
until then
take a rest .....

no need to focus on the negative...
i have other things on my mind
we have a friend
he has been on my mind lately
he is severely addicted to opiates ...
that is opiates of any kind
pills, heroin....
and we all have known for a long time..
he has hurt us...
and we continue to know that he is killing himself and we stand by and watch
i wanted to make a difference
when he called dj's cell phone the other night, i got a few seconds to hear his voice
it was actualy disturbing
hearing the slur
i asked him why
why he wants to live like this
he said cause he doesn't want to be tortured....
but isnt that what he is doing to himself everyday
i couldnt shake the sound of his voice
the loneliness that i heard
i was there

i went to talk to him
not intentionally,
i drove past his house with a friend...
he was outside
i drove past three times before i stopped
i got out of the car
i gave him a hug
and he cried
and i didnt ask him to go to rehab
i just let him know...there is someone here that will listen
i hugged him again
he shook and cried
he is high
he is alone
and as many of you may not wanna hear
so was i
but see the difference is
i had family that loved me, i pushed away
but i knew they were there...
in the back of my head
i knew they would listen
he has no one that cares...NO ONE
no one to say...
i will travel this road with you if you need me
having a hand extended to you is an amazing feeling...
and love
i could never imagine not having it because i have had it all of my life
and recently
over the last few years...
friends that stand by me
i stood talking to him...
looking in to this strangers face...
looking for the friend that i once knew
his face distorted, puffy
missing teeth
a lost soul
a boy that is trying to find his way
he wasnt this person
addiction is a horrible disease..
no one ever beats it
there is no cure
you just live and battle
i cringe at the thought of ever feeling that low
losing myself
being in that spot
where you think you have no one

i told him i was gonna call him everyday
even if he doesnt answer
i called...his aunt is there
he is not
maybe he went to get help
maybe the support of old friends will make a difference in his life
dj is his childhood friend and i am sure that it makes him feel safe when he talks to d
just maybe
we can make a difference
if not...
i do not want to have one negative thought
just maybe if i can muster up some positive thoughts and prayers...
i just want you all to understand...
i am a caring person, deep down
i blow alot of shit off
but i relate to him
in a weird way
and i do want to try and help
i know not everyone wants it
and i know not everyone will think i am doing the right thing
but what if everyone gave up on me
i just want him to know people care

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

mrs blog is a coward

so mrs blog is too cowardly to come through
i put all my shit out here
and she cant even tell me her name

not much is going on
i am heading to wally mart today to put the pics on a disk...
so hopefully
i will have lots of pics to share with you
i have over 600 picutres on two memory cards that i need to share...
i know you are all anxiously waiting....

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

mrs blog

i refuse to post til i find out who you are mrs blog
tell me now

trim the fat

so i decided no only to trim the fat from my body
but from my house
and really from my life
i am really tired of bloggging
virtual bitching
i am turning into a bitter person
all because of the actions of others
and well
that just aint me
so i am letting go
of it all
all the bull shit
i am making over my body
my soul
and my life
you have to get the mental so the physical can come into play right?

Monday, June 16, 2008

two fat chicks.......

so to let you all know how serious this is....
the weight loss
deb has created a new blog site

so come see it
give us some support

this is so hard
but it does give me a focus...........

Sunday, June 15, 2008

fathers day

i have had a few questions/comments that need to be dealt with
i cannot post pictures at the moment
my computer...if that is what you want to call it
has no memory
i cannot download anything...
who are you new people...
identify yourself
how do you know me
where did you hear of my blog
just cause you cannot post annonymously anymore doesnt meanthat you can make up names
and not let me know

and three
my shit list
seems you are right mrs blog
someone always is
but let me tell you
deservingly so...

we shall see
no one
i had a fun day
i love my family
(most of the time)
today was extra fun
mom email the pics then i can post
oh forget that
just get them burned..then i can post


i got my dad his own set of clippers for fathers day
he likes his head shaved now a days
thinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn on

daddy is gettin old....
but that is a whole other blog...
seems that with a little bitch wine and a few iron citys...
everyone wanted the henderson buzz cut
but then throw in kentuky joe...
and we got the fades goin round....
and erin even picked up a southern accent

i can not wait to talk to everyone tomorrow
when the alcohol wears off
when they all wake up and see the baldness of the scalp
bill lantz....
who rah
he looks like he just enlisted
jeff keating.......
he was like a little puppy
me next
me next
as the wife screams from the gallery
again with the southern accent....
so he went with the inch guard....
suttle, nice
so funny

i will definately get the pics...ASAP
and post

til nex time

Saturday, June 14, 2008

im done

im done
i am done caring for those who dont give two shits about me
i can live with them in my life...
but i have to cut the feeling....
the caring
the giving a shit
shut it off
cause when someone doesnt give a shit about you
there actions are cold
and repititous
the same shit
over and over
then why am i bothering?
so you want me to shut you off
you got it
ludwigs are famous for the cold shoulder
i am done

Friday, June 13, 2008

i finally cleaned

so today i took a day off of play
i had to clean
and clean i did

ceilings and walls

my apt officially smells like a bottle of mr clean
i love it
i need a mr clean scented candle...

as i was scouring my floor...
i came across a few little spots that were a little harder to clean up

cocoa krispys.............
the kids dropped a few under the table
they were wet when dropped
i came across them dried.........

f-ing CEMENT
i pretty much had to get a razor blade to get it off the floor

what is in that shit that makes it dry like that?????????

like baby cereal.........
you could tile a bathroom with that shit when it dries

so after the three buckets of muddy ass water that i cleaned out of this house of mine
i am ready to relax...

but not here.....
its too clean..

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

just babbling

so ..
the video is out
it is here
and i loooooooooooooooooooooove me some new kids
i am hearing them on the radio

my kids are like
your song
i hear it


how fun
i am hot

does anyone not have central air..........
it is like a prison camp in here
a sweltering sauna box

and it is a mess
i cant even walk from room to room without having a bead of sweat drip from the underneath of the boob down the gut

i am so fucking hot

and did i mention sunburned on top....
yeah from the day that i fried my fat ass in the sun
sitting with the hose as the human
that was almost a weeka go and my skin still hurts
my kids dont even look like they were in the sun...
i lathered them up with a 50 and by the time we got down to collin
i was soaking wet with sweat..
n ot that i wear sunscreen
i should
cause now i have these spots on my neck that i am fearing is melenoma...not sure if i spelled that right
i am just babbling....
i need to clean and dive into the laundry that i have let pile up since thursday..
i have no underwear

Thursday, June 5, 2008


donnie wahlberg
here i come....

and yes i will be in a size 10

did i hear laughing

maybe 12

but not the 18 i am in now
wow i said it
yes i am in a size freakin 18
and i have to wear the xxl at old navy

now if you shop in lane deb calls is
18 aint half bad

but that is on ly because the sizes range from 14 to like 46
so an 18 in lane giant aint bad

no go to abercrombie....

the girls that work there are no bigger than my thigh
their WHOLE body is no bigger....

they try to not make eye contact...
a a hi MAAM


i am a maam now

and the little bitch asked me what size i was looking for

is that allowed
maybe i wanted a mans sweatshirt

or maybe some socks


yes dear, can you please point me in the direction of the plus size abercrombie....


i always said donnie would fall in love with me if he ever met me, i mean....
psht ca
whats not to love right

i gots a little extra to love now

so deb

fellow blogger
i say we chart it on here

put it out there
weigh in every ten days
make a schedule....
together we shall do it

but it is the dam ice cream and why are krispy cremes so good and always by the register at sheetz

and how do i not drink pepsi

i have got to dig deep and find the will power to do it....

when i meet him i want like the slow motion
the room to stop
people wispering as he stares at me...

aaahhhh haaaaa

as he takes my hand
my hair blowing...
skinny and cute

and we live happily ever hafter

yes i know
i am 32 years old
actually i will be 33 at the concert

but its gonna happen
and i aint gonna be fat

oh yeah
i am looking for any takers for that weekend

October second
is the concert
so i neeed sitters for the day before, day after and the day


i still cant believe

and for all of you that think it really may happen
the hook up
me and donnie
he's on my list
its legal
number one in the top three

you know
when you get married, you have the list of three people you are permitted to sleep with..........
i have mine laminated in my purse
just in case i run into donnie
collin farrel
or matthew mc...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh donnie

Wednesday, June 4, 2008








one more thing

so i got it
i read the comments over and over
and i am sorry if i am coming off all pissy
but i am a miserable bitch
i am
and you all dont make it much easier for me to snap out of it

i just want to make one thing clear and then i am done defending my blog

I claimed to have an asshole husband
there i said it
and he is not an ass all the
and i did claim to be trying to get my shit together
trying to make a marriage work
and trying to be a good mother and house wife...

but i never said anything about our family not being there for me...mine or his

i get lots of help from you michelle
infact i think i thanked you in a blog of mine

and mom
you too
even though we dont talk much, i know you support me

and to everyone else...



christ do i have to hand out ribbons or little certificates to let you all know that you are appreciated

i sit here and i read these comments from family and let me tell you
you can come on here and be anonymous all you want
i know who you are just by the words that you use

it is so sad that i have to do this...
i wanted to have a blog where i could be funny
or where i could vent when i was pissed off
and now it is being used against me
to keep tabs on my feelings

does it make you feel good to try to wreck this too
to throw your two cents in

i didnt mind it for a while
but if you are going to read this blog...then READ it
dont skim it

i love the comments good and bad
when they are about the blogs that i write
not the ones that you skim......

last day

so today is the last day of school....
i was taking pictures this morning
so i can have first day...
last day

jared is all like WOO HOO.. i gonna see my friends?
and abs...she is excited to be in kindergarten....
all of them came home yesterday with packets of papers
work from this year
work from all year and
blank pages ....
crisp new worksheets to do over the summer

i think jared already pitched his...
lily's are under lock and key
she has started her packet...
only one sheet a day
and so has abs
the two of them ( the girls)
are already through it...

so funny
they are all so different
and all getting so big

oh well..
as soon as i get my computer working normally again
i will begin to post pictures

so i am taking ideas
for activites for the summer
i already am on it for the childrens museum membership
it is air conditioned and well...that right there sold me
we have aunt kaths pool....
and i will have to start saving for gas now...
i hate the zoo
it stinks
it is all pretty much up hill
and most of it is in the hot sun
the henderson clan more than likely,
unless bribed
will not be seen at the zoo this year
and we have the sprinkler park
other wise known as swisshelm...
we live there
i literally pack for the day
and park it
the kids love it
they can run and play
get wet
nap in the shade and it is free

so if any of you care to join me
that is where i will most likely be this year
the sprinkler park

i will either be there or haning out on the rankin bridge....
summer is here!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

i am almost on e

i am so frazzled
this blog was to hep me find myself
to write what i want
what i feel
and i spend most of the time explaining why i feel certain ways
i am now done
i am going to type happy shit
fucked up shit
sad stuff
whatever stuff

i cant stand it anymore
it is funny this way
i put my feelings out there
and you know who you are.......
just use it as my weakness
an achilles heal if you may...

well watch out
cause i am on to you
keep your friends close
and your enemies closer....

i think that some of you are just mean

thank you charlotte
thank you
you always open my eyes when i become blinded

it is funny...this life of mine
when i think that i am just getting to find out who people really are
let my guard down
to let you in
and you shit on me

i am done explaining
i am done doing things for you
and i am done tiptoeing around you

and stop using this blog as a way to communicate anonymously
tell me if you have a problem
and own your comments
i have the balls to put it out there
why dont you claim your comments

from now on...i will put it all out there
the funny
the sad
the angry
and the pathetic

i am running out of emotion for some people
i am alomost on e

Monday, June 2, 2008


who is reading from california....

please let me know
is that you nicole?

sex and the city

i have to tell you
i dont remember the last time i went to the theatre
The blair wtch project

and to top it all
i went alone

lily had a birthday party at the theater and i went while she partied
something i think everyone with kids and a husband should do once in their life
it is dark
and quiet
and you are completely thrown into this wonderful movie...
it is a movie i wish i would have waited to see with deb, but none the less
Sex and the city is one of the most wonderful movies i have ever seen in my life
these women..the characters....
so wonderful
a movie about friendship
TRUE friendship

as samantha sat feeding pudding to a devestated carrie....
i balled my eyes out
and thought of you deb
you would so do i for you
except ours would be a rudys steak hoagie or a slice or two from mineos
and we would probably not be in mexico...but still......

i laughed asuch as i cried and i felt good..
if you are a sex and the city i am
(never missed one episode)
this movies stay true to the story line of the show...the characters

i just cannot say enough

from the first moment it captures you and you feel everything they are....
and i to agree with deb...
my favorite part of this movie...
the feeling that shows through..
carrie sees big
and then turns to charlotte
and holds her so tight...
oh my....whew
it wells me up just thinking of it
to feel for a friend...
to feel that much for a friend...
takes my breath away

i am lucky enough to have found it again
i can honestly say
when no one else is here for me
deb is
and i know if my "situation" ever got that out of control...she too would let me know
let me know the truth no matter how horrible it sounds
i know i can count on her for the hard truth...
whatever it is

she makes me laugh
we have cried together
and i would do just about anything for her
and know she would and has done just about everything for me

words could never thank you for all that you have done for me deb
you are my charlotte

love you