anyone out there?

does anyone still read this thing?
should i even post pictures anymore?

fallen soldier

look close....

yep
that would be it
the fallen soldier...
look at uncle lenny
all discouraged...
lmao

i over threw the ball back to uncle teddy
just a softball disgrace...
just know team, that i really tried hard to get that ball


i will never live that down

MVP

yep that is me....made it to second on one hit
what you dont see
is my chest as i am gasping for air
and my leg shaking from my muscles asking me what the fuck i am doing
running like that...




i mean..i had to post this today...late because every muscle in my freaking body hurts
we had a family softball game yesterday
and i thought...going in..
that i was pretty atheltic...lmao
i mean, when i think of sports, i think how i used to just go ahead and run...
walk,
play field hockey
run
ha haha
but i did not think about the last time i did those things


I WAS SIXTEEN


that was close to twenty years
so
keep that in mind as you read


so we were up to bat first...
did ok
then we take the field..i figure..i will take the outfield..
safe
ha ha
well, phillip dininno made a huge pop up fly ball lands behind me and i run to the fence to get it
i am feeling good
everyone yelling
ball in mit
go to run and throw and


BAM

fell right on my face
help up
like a dog chasing a ball but it tied to a leash...lmao
my shoe lace got caught on the little loop on the bottom of the fence
yeah
FLAT on my face

all i hear is throw the ball
hes runnin home
throw the ball jen



said ball was like three inches out of my reach at this point cause it dropped when my face hit the ground
then i hear my teammate ashley


HER FOOT IS CAUGHT IN THE FENCE!!!!

lol

and i am yelling...stop him from running...not fair
i am caught


ha ha

ms athlete of the year


i think i got MVP for that game





ha ha



good time tho
thanks everyone


and just a little fyi
i am practicing...
so any blue teamates wanna run some bases...we can do this
and one more thing....
i am bedazzling the shit out of my shirt

new kids...09..PITTSBURGH

for some reason, i cannot get these in order...maybe cause it is like 3 in the am..and i am still spinning from the concert....i will fix it tomorrow...maybe....probably not...lmao...

here we are at the show...the girls had shirts that say, i love nkotb on the front and just like my mommy on the back...mine was the same on the front and on the back of mine it said just like my kids.......

for some reason, i will have to have pictures to follow....

we had SUCH a good time...they loved it

lily and abby on either side of me, holding my arms....standing on the seats...dancing and singing the right stuff.....summertime...

lmao

who would have ever thought that we would be taking our kids to the new kids concert....

i loved it...so did they....

lily said to me...mom...

i think i am going to dream about the new kids tonight...

lmao

you and me both kid....

so fun

the bathroom floor

ok, i have been discussing this for a while with people
the whole jon and kate thing
i havent watched this season yet
i am however a follower of jon and kate from the beginning...
i would totally sell my story, install cameras and exploit my kids to be debt free...lmao
but for real, it was getting out of control
her barking, him dopey, her makeovers, his hair implants.... and her hair cut...they were killing me
and then all the hoopla about who jon was screwing over the summer really, i believed, was all for ratings
so i wasnt gonna watch
until now
nothing on, i watched the rerun of the first episode and balled..
i saw me
us
at that birthday party..
when they were so awkward...
they couldnt even look at each other
that hurt
being "civil" for the sake of the guests...
i have been in kates shoes, in jons shoes..
my kids
there kids
at the end of the day, they made the decision they did for the show, but to see them, that raw, just
hurt really hit home
we all make our decisions as jon says...
yes
but EVERYONE pays for them
we may not realize how much it hurts til you sit and see yourself and your family in someone's on tv
as i still sit and look at kate, with her nails done and thin
i see her trying to feel good...
just like when gram said to me... along time ago...
try some lipstick jen, it will make you feel better,
when you look better, you feel better
and in some cases, true...but when you look in the mirror or lay in bed or are alone in the car....
you know whats underneath..the hurt
when you feel totally inadequate..self esteem shot....
holding on ....
until you fuck everything up....
let go...she didnt
i did



just like today...
the tradgedy of bobby tomer
everyone is buzzing...
and everyone loves to talk
about how they knew him
what connection they had
what he did
that he was a drug addict
what the fuck does that matter now?
he is dead
and that his life got to be too much to take
he gave in, gave up
i did not know bobby
i knew of him, i know his family
and as a mother
for your child to take his own life, pretty much right in front of you
not being able to do anything to help your son
your baby....
well, has to be the most devestating thing in the world
and if it was indeed the psych drugs he was on
i can relate
sometimes i wish i never started taking them...
i mean, depression, anxiety, i just think you should be able to feel these things,
maybe we should hire coaches to help deal instead of masking it with psych drugs
i mean, it has been a while now,
but while my own doctors were figuring out what the hell was wrong with me
life is what is wrong with me
not having the right tools to deal with LIFE
i still believe that meds are horrible....
but i am so afraid to not be on them now...double edged sword

but anyway
not that long ago
the meds they gave me were not mixing
and a week into the cocktail....i found myself manic....
organizing clothes, except not...just putting things all over...and then just broke down,
kids fighting, my life spiraling, depression .....
i sat on my bathroom floor
wanting to end my life
while my kids were right in the living room
watching backyardigans...
no one knows why anything happens
so for all of you talking about this poor kid..
stop


you have no idea what goes on in peoples lives
the person in the cube next to you at work may have just picked herself up off the floor and hides behind a smile
or that guy serving you your cheese at the deli, may have just lost his mom or the girl sitting on the bus next to you may have just gotten her ass beat while her daughter watched before she went to school..
my point is, just cause someone is smiling on the outside, doesnt mean they are inside
i have judged people my whole life,
it is easy to point out others faults so you dont have to look at your own...
until recently
i have discovered
that no one deserves to be judged or talked about
it really saddens me that a 24 year old kid took his own life, no matter what his family life was
or whatever...
he is dead
say hi to a stranger
hug the ones you love
tell them you love them
smiling may just brighten someones day...
change their attitude..
keep them from hitting the bathroom floor...

Lily's cake at Grama mame's

Grama Mame had cake and ice cream for Lily....

Can you even believe the size of Josh...

and his voice has changed too...

abby said, "Mom, wait til you talk to Josh, he is like a man!!!"

and i am 6'1

pics from lilys party

here are the photos i promised...
lily had the best time...mom....not so much
if i ever attempt to take this on myself again...someone just mention may 16th
this is lily and her loot...

we then played games,

hot potato casuse the scavenger hun was vetoed by the rain

i made everyone make a t shirt

had lilys picture on the fron that said

LILYS BIRTHDAY BASH

and then they colored, signed, and put there name on it..

that way, i could keep track...


this is the crew...mark, maggie, abby, tyler, chris, steven, ben, maggie, allison

they were like the starter crew, cause the rest came later

lily's cake...she wanted it...lol

this my friends is katie...

this is lily's BFF

since pre school..

and if you think lily is bossy, katie is lil X 50!!!!!!!!!!!

so funny!!

the rain stopped long enough for the egg race....

after this was the part where i made dinner...

lol

i fed everyone and then put more hotdogs ont he grill

apparently they dont take that long when the grill is hot

lmao

um yeah, no one had seconds

burger kings flame broiled had nothing on these dogs...

they looked like little peices of black chalk..

cut me a break here people

i was solo...feeding like 17 kids

drinks, napkins, ketchup, more drinks

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

just thinking of it makes me need adavant

lol

happy birthday to you...

make your own sundae!!

i mean how cute are they....lol

these are lily's boys, they also met in pre school...

chris and mark

ok and here is the slumber crew!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...they were so amped!!!

that was the last picture of the evening...

no one slept,

everyone was hungry for snacks at different times

not one of them wanted to watch the same movie

or lay in the same spot

and there were tears and fights over who would lay nest to lil

so finally at one

i made everyone stand against the living room wall....

lmao

like freakin boot camp

and i laid there blankets down,

put i carly on

and lights out

i fell asleep sitting up on the couch!!

then i hear a little voice and feel this little cold finger...

miss jen...'

we are up

i am like, ok

my eyes literally were still closed like ten minutes into the morning bathroom trip..

i am pretty sure i fell back to sleep on the toilet

so i showered real quick and made breakfast..

of course

everyone gave me their order...lmao

like i am a fucking short order cook

Um no ladies, we are having scrambled eggs and bacon and toast

your parents will be here soon

if you dont want it, you can eat at home..

christ

here they are eating breakfst...

and here she is

officially 7

my lily bum

she loved every minute of it..from the cleaning, shopping preparation..to the end..

look at her..

lily bum bum

here are the pictures i promised...

lily's first birthday bash/slumber party

i am gonna post pictures later...i have to find the cord for my camera...and wait til you see them
lol
what a day
this was my shirt
i made t shirts for lilys friends...they said lily's 7th birthday bash...
then they all signed them and had their names on them...I had twin boys,
i figured it would be the only way i could keep track of the names..
so it began...at 3:30
we had,
maggie 1..she lives down the street
megan, she lives next door
chris and steven, the twins,
maggie
katie
mark
tyler
abigail
ben
savhanna
paige
emily
lily
abby
allison...
i may be forgetting someone...
but anyway...as they trickled in, the fun began...lmao


we played hot potatoe
to the beatles..
kids ..
tyler turned to me and said, even if i lose, i still get a prize right...
and they all needed something every second they were here
shit got real hectic when after the hot dog and french fry lunch
and in between clean up and cake
ben had a melt down when mark and stephen got into a real heated discussion about the woodland hills redistricting
lmao
ben is autistic
and is VERY sensitive
remember when rainman got really upset and started screaming
yes
that went down in the dining room
he just kept repeating,
this is just not going to work
this is just not going to work
and started crying
lily and katie actually know how to settle him
i was amazed...he doesnt make eye contact with anyone ...but lil and kate
so freaking cute


so..we did hot potatoe and egg races...lol
the rain ruined my scavenger hunt
i did pictures of clues...like a picture of the flowers..but i cut them up and they had to put them together..then figure out where to go
RAIN
dam rain...so that was out
they liked just playing and i was acutally sad the boys left
lol
they got into jared and collins room, found all the guns and were in there glory

and this is where i am at now...




we have switched rooms 85 times,
there has been actual tears shed...
fights over who is going to sleep next to lily
why wont she sleep by me
i am hungry
i am thirsty
i don t to watch this movie...
so ...i let them kind of go for a while...i had kate and the two maggies, lily, abby, emily..all of them
all set up and one by one
they go upstairs
then they need another drink
another snack
then another fight
more blankets


so finally
LIGHTS OUT
we are all in the living room
good night
i am over it
lol
i love that she is happy,
althought i had to deal with the lily drama of
"THIS IS THE WORST PARTY EVER"
and then two minutes later...she loves me and everything ...
lol


happy birthday lil
first and last slumber party



ha ha


pics to come...
i think someone is whisper fighting

my baby is seven...

lily turned 7
she wanted her hair cut off...short
so we did girls night tonight





here she is








i cant even handle this one...i mean...how old is she 17 or 7?



she loves it




my sweet lily....
she is my little princess
and is getting older...
i actually had to walk out of the salon for a second..
got teary today
i want to freeze them right now,....all of them
or jar their giggles
and save their "i love you mom" s in a box
life...
what a trip

please

JUST STOP..................


please...

tom

today was a real hard day
i watched my husband...(yes, legally we are married)
bury his best friend...
slowly over the years, all of us at one time or another have tried to help
tried to show him we were there
tried to hold him
let him cry
let him hurt
he has struggled with a heavy addiction
a disease i know well
feeling alone, even when people are all around you
wanting out ....even when you cannot fight
i dont believe that tom did this on purpose
i believe is was totally .... well, i geuss it is one in the same
putting the drugs in your body does slowly kill you
as i walked into that funeral home, seeing him laying there actually weakened my knees...
i never felt what i did
i cried...

i wasnt toms best friend

i didnt grow up with him

but he was a part of my life...

he was always a shoulder

and i was glad to be his

i wish i would have never let him go that day..

let him cry on my shoulder

felt him shake as he held me so tight

tom was and is a good person that got caught up in a horrible disease

he is loved

he is, was and will be missed

he doesnt have to fight now

he is truly in the arms of angels

i hope no one ever feels the addiction, the loneliness, the hopelessness of the disease

i am glad i got out and found my own strength to overcome a demon,

i have many...

one day

everything will come together....

i am working on it!

i am a bitch

i love me some new kids...
lol
i just found twitter
so now as i work...i find other shit i can neb shit in
twitter
so i found donnie wahlberg
on twitter
lol
so maybe he will wanna meet me
and fall in love and
OK ENOUGH

i know
anyway
just thought i would put a blog out there just to let my wonderful family
barely hear from anyone anymore
i forget what my nephews look like
billy?
oh yeah...he is my brother
but we are all family
rememebr two years ago when we were all so close
my cirsis
my rehab
we were all gonna be there for each other
seems i always wonder what everyone is doing and i know i am at fault too
i mean does anyone know where i actually work or what the hell i am actually doing?
and i always wonder why my mother keeps in touch so much with my brother and his wife
why i always have to be the one to call or email
but oh well...
just venting
lol
actually...i like my life like this....distant and away ....i like it better that no one asks me a freaking thousand questions everyday...
i am a bitch today
just feel like bitchin

bye tom...

well..
the call came yesterday
i geuss everyone knew it was for years, just when it comes
its sad
dj's life long friend tom
tom died yesterday of an accidental overdose
he was found in his house
apparently there is no service
dont know how a family can have someone die and not say goodbye
it is sad
still
even though i knew it would come
to feel alone
to turn to drugs
but
he is in a better place now
no pain
peace




i couldnt see him, i couldnt find him, but in his eyes, through his tears, i saw his beautiful soul..
that is from me...to him...the last time i saw him...

catching up with old friends...............

just look at this
i mean really
again
i love this shit


read on





ok...talk about a crazy weekend
was totally messed up with a migraine this weekend
but soldiered up for this


yes ladies and gents
a night with the new kids
erie, pa


and thanks to a facebook message from angelo madonna to call dan vok...that it was very important
i was again front and center for a new kids concert
well, front and center on the back stage.........




i mean....donnie IS looking at me here

i am pretty sure he remembered who i was from the dc show
i was the only female towering over the little people
i love my height when i am at a new kids concert




jordan....nice to see you again....

and danny.....looking good


danny has apparently been working out a little more
i mean check the blog from oct
the arms werent this big and he looks REALLY good in person




yes....me....post migraine and LOVING the new kids..
i mean the only thing that could have made this night a little more perfect was deb....my partner
but thanks to sue
aka....babysitting gramma

who insists on going to these far off lands...i mean who vacations in VIETNAM

ok


sue does...but deb IS eight months prego and well....if she would have birthed at the concert then i would have missed this..............and well..wait
i bet deb that if we get you to birth at a new kids show..
you will DEFINATELY get jons attention...........and we can hang and have pics
sorry
sorry
i tend to drift off
i will be like this for the next couple of days.....
its like new kids mania
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

now before you see the below photo...i gotta give you the story
donnie was talking to everyone....and my god..i have to get the video uploaded
AND I WILL
but anywhooooooooooo
donnie asked for my friends hat...
yep
i thought for sure he wanted me on the stage
like waving his finger like jonny did to baby in dirty dancing...i was totally lost and in love for 2.3 seconds
and then as i tried to get through...like hello ladies...
he said come on...i realized he was asking for the hat
anyway
-i do have this all on video.........
it will be up soon..
i just cant remember how i got the girls on
anyway
donnie took the hat, put it on joes head and then jow took it off and gave it back to donnie and then he threw it back into my hands and back onto her head
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this was right after it...
on the video you can actually see him laugh with me...shrug and
LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
he totally remembered me


anyway
heres to you my five favorite men of all time
you brought another night of happiness into my life

i got to see old friends and meet some new ones too...
what a show
what a night
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh




thanks dan vok
hearing from an old friend
out of the blue
was awesome
and what makes it better is that he really thought of me before putting them on ebay
well
you owed me anyway
from the time you told dom you knew....
we are now even

my girls are gonna be famous

my kids wanna be famous...
lil and ab wanna be on i carly
so i am sending this video..
lily wrote it


enjoy!

im done with you

i sit here wondering....
why do i let it happen
why do i fall for all this bullshit
why cant i just walk away
is it the guilt that i keep putting up with the abuse
the hurt
please
who has these answers for me
just when i think that all is ok...that things are going my way
that i am finally going to be head above water
i get a punch in the gut



i have been in my house now for two weeks
appreciating all that i have somewhat let go..not paid very much attention to
like the laughter of my kids
walking with collin and enjoying a cup of hot chocolate with him while he tells me his "funny" story
laughing with abby cause she had two different shoes on for mixed matched day
listening to jared finally open up to me about his life...just his 9 year old life
lily....telling me how she knows everything in school...shes bored...lmao

i did took these things for granted..and it is nights like this that i fall asleep and wake to find out these crazy people....
people that just dont wanna see me happy
these people that leave me the most ridiculous messages in my email, myspace and facebook..
trying to set me up .... make me feel stupid

i am not that stupid and actually, i am pretty smart...

i am tired people...
i am tired of living in this shadow..
shadow of guilt


see it is pretty easy to get me,
cause when i catch you hurting me....it is pretty easy to flip the script..
turn it around
make me feel guilty
so there is no other choice other than to cut you out
totally
no more
i refuse to hurt anymore
i have spent so much of my life trying to make up
for insecurites,
hurt
burden
i am not a bad person
i made alot of bad coices
i do not deserve to live like this anymore
my kids are so happy that i am happy
so please ...dont call me
dont txt me
dont message me
dont send me emails


let my kids be happy with the mom they deserve
i will not answer anymore negative comments, emails, phone calls

NONE

and if you keep it up...i will file charges

i am 33 years old...i am not a junior in high school
im done with you

crazy bitch

ok
so everyone knows how i stay in my head....ALOT
i over think everything
but last week, i literally went crazy
i was a guinnea pig for anti depressants and mood stabilizers and really thought about ending my life....
yeah
for real
the meds did not mix well and actually made the depression worse
so any of you that got a taste of that...sorry cause on top of the meds i was still dealing with everything else..
no
i didnt tell anyone, my therapist, no one else
she helped me through
took me off the depakote...
apparently, i am not bi polar enough to need that
so just lexapro for now...
i feel wonderful
seems it takes tragedy to show you happiness
the meds, the new job....
this has been the best four days of my life i think
i got a start date for work
i am going to be making more money than i ever did in my life and be able to retire a county worker!!!
relief to be able to stand on my own
i will be able to pay back EVEYONE i owe money too..
uncle tom , you are first on the list!!!
i feel like i just woke up
medication is wonderful..i geuss that is what it is
and after months of wondering where i was, where i was going...
i know now
i have been really messed up for a lot of years
i cant blame anyone anymore...i mean a lot of you dont have any idea what i endured early on in life...early on in my dating life..
wanted to be accepted and the shit i dealt with..well...
lets just say i have forgiven all that hurt me and i hope one day i will be forgiven by those i hurt
i have to let go..i have said it before..that i am, but i havent
i am trying
to let go of the shit i did..
and some day i will be free of it...
but for now,
i am focusing on me!!!
me and my kids, watching them laugh...
and as for all of you that are trying to hold me back
by talking about me
saying hurtful things...
fuck you

anyway
i am over it
i like where i am today
just seems like everytime that i start to feel ok, someone has to try to knock me down
write it down, get it out of my head and move on
done...
thanks for letting me get rid of it
later

just rambling

i cant sleep
i hate when my kids arent here
i hate that he has all the cool stuff and lets them do whatever the hell they want
he is the cool parent
and i hate that i fucked my marriage up
i hate that my life got so out of control
i hate all the mistakes i have made in my life
all the hurt i have caused others
and now myself
i have so much going on in my head i am wondering of all these meds are ok
or if they are making me manic
they said it could happen
i seem to not be able to focus
i am all over the map
emotionally too
i did decide today to let dj go
in my head
emotionally free myself of him
i have been trying to make things right
but in all reality
we dont work
as friends or otherwise
we dont like each other
and while i thought i could be the one to save my family
like he did many times before
and i turned him down
hurt him
its too late
there is so much damage done
and i need to get myself right
i left one bad relationship and found another
i finally got the ok that i got the job in ths section 8 offices...
but the process is long
i interviewed, tested, drug tested, background checked...all of which passed to all of you that may be doubting me...lol
and they hired me part time
but it is general
i still have to interview in the actual office to see when i start
its weird
i dont know if any of you ever worked for a government or state office...but it is a long process ..
LET ME WORK ALREADY
i shouldnt bitch....thanks alin for getting me in


anyway
just thought id let you all know whats going on
nothing exciting
collins birthday party is coming up
i cant wait
til next time....

friends....how many of us have them

so
have you missed me?
lots have happened
one
mike is gone
yeah
i feel like a fool...
i got got...you know what i am saying
i feel like a fool
i broke it off with him earlier in the month and then found lots out...
lol
but i was already done anyway
so finding out i was the other woman...
well
still stings a little
especially because i stuck up for him
believed in him
ah ha
jokes on me

karma is a bitch
then the following week
that would be this week
get the info that a very close friend has been creeping around, telling lies and "spending time" with someone...i am not even gonna explain who that person is
but isnt there some kind of friend rule
like a girl code that says not to sleep with your best friends ex
or tell you that she will be right back and then go spend the night at his house
or set you up
or talk to you while sitting on his couch .... while i am crying about my life...my "friend"is spending time with him...letting him listen
fifteen years i have known this person
this woman
i have actually held her for days while she cried
watched this girl get the shit beat out of her by men
she lived in my house...and well now finding ....never mind
and they are JUST FRIENDS
i was at her house a few weeks ago and noticed a pair of his socks by her bed...lol
never thought about it
just assumed that they were from my house...a pair that i had
no
i am just that stupid
but wow
this is movie shit
like shit you watch and say ....wow thats fucked up
what kind of friend does this

i mean i know that i may deserve this
to be made a fool of
so i geuss jokes is on me......let me hurt

have you ever read the book he's just not that into you?
lol
read that chapter
it is almost impossible for these two to be just friends
but i am not gonna say anymore
and it will make you laugh


i have done a lot of hurting in my life
given and recieved
and i geuss now i am paying...i mean i dont know
and karma is a mother fucker.....
thank god for therapists and lexapro and the list of meds i am on
or i may have handled things differently
i am changing for the better by the day and maybe this is God's way of showing me who is important in my life and who isn't
get rid of the garbage...
i will come out on top
no more whoe is me
i will cry....a good cry and then pack it away...
this all helps to build a stronger jen
lol
and while the thought of these two together makes my physically sick...
these two deserve each other...

it's official...

toothless...
the tooth fairy is comin tonight.....

happy new year

happy new year every one
as i packed away all the christmas decorations until next year
i was a little sad
they will be another year older
another year closer to not believing in santa
they are so fun right now and even though i sometimes wonder if lily was really put on this earth to test my patience...
i do not want them to get any older
please
but then i was also thinking...
i love the first of the year cause i feel like i have a clean slate...
it makes me feel refreshed...a new start
lets all start off on the right foot...
i feel positive about the changes i am making in my life..
i have not smoked in 5 days
i have drank eight glasses of water every day
and i swear after looking at pictures of me and mike during the penn state game
i will completely cut out pepsi again and cut back on the junk food
i am trying to keep up with positive decisions i made for the new year
not anything grand...just enough for me
so that i can reach the goals and then i will set them a little higher each month
i hope you all have a wonderful new year!
love you