Monday, March 2, 2009

crazy bitch

so everyone knows how i stay in my head....ALOT
i over think everything
but last week, i literally went crazy
i was a guinnea pig for anti depressants and mood stabilizers and really thought about ending my life....
for real
the meds did not mix well and actually made the depression worse
so any of you that got a taste of that...sorry cause on top of the meds i was still dealing with everything else..
i didnt tell anyone, my therapist, no one else
she helped me through
took me off the depakote...
apparently, i am not bi polar enough to need that
so just lexapro for now...
i feel wonderful
seems it takes tragedy to show you happiness
the meds, the new job....
this has been the best four days of my life i think
i got a start date for work
i am going to be making more money than i ever did in my life and be able to retire a county worker!!!
relief to be able to stand on my own
i will be able to pay back EVEYONE i owe money too..
uncle tom , you are first on the list!!!
i feel like i just woke up
medication is wonderful..i geuss that is what it is
and after months of wondering where i was, where i was going...
i know now
i have been really messed up for a lot of years
i cant blame anyone anymore...i mean a lot of you dont have any idea what i endured early on in life...early on in my dating life..
wanted to be accepted and the shit i dealt with..well...
lets just say i have forgiven all that hurt me and i hope one day i will be forgiven by those i hurt
i have to let go..i have said it before..that i am, but i havent
i am trying
to let go of the shit i did..
and some day i will be free of it...
but for now,
i am focusing on me!!!
me and my kids, watching them laugh...
and as for all of you that are trying to hold me back
by talking about me
saying hurtful things...
fuck you

i am over it
i like where i am today
just seems like everytime that i start to feel ok, someone has to try to knock me down
write it down, get it out of my head and move on
thanks for letting me get rid of it