Friday, February 27, 2009

just rambling

i cant sleep
i hate when my kids arent here
i hate that he has all the cool stuff and lets them do whatever the hell they want
he is the cool parent
and i hate that i fucked my marriage up
i hate that my life got so out of control
i hate all the mistakes i have made in my life
all the hurt i have caused others
and now myself
i have so much going on in my head i am wondering of all these meds are ok
or if they are making me manic
they said it could happen
i seem to not be able to focus
i am all over the map
emotionally too
i did decide today to let dj go
in my head
emotionally free myself of him
i have been trying to make things right
but in all reality
we dont work
as friends or otherwise
we dont like each other
and while i thought i could be the one to save my family
like he did many times before
and i turned him down
hurt him
its too late
there is so much damage done
and i need to get myself right
i left one bad relationship and found another
i finally got the ok that i got the job in ths section 8 offices...
but the process is long
i interviewed, tested, drug tested, background checked...all of which passed to all of you that may be doubting
and they hired me part time
but it is general
i still have to interview in the actual office to see when i start
its weird
i dont know if any of you ever worked for a government or state office...but it is a long process ..
i shouldnt bitch....thanks alin for getting me in

just thought id let you all know whats going on
nothing exciting
collins birthday party is coming up
i cant wait
til next time....


Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. said...

So sorry to hear of your pains. Remember how important it is for you to forgive -- mostly yourself! When you hold on to those thoughts, you only torture yourself and make yourself miserable.

I believe it was Buddha who said that there are 1000 joys and 1000 pains in life. Pain is inevitable. We make it suffering when we constantly hold onto it.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
author of Save The Marriage