Monday, June 1, 2009

the bathroom floor

ok, i have been discussing this for a while with people
the whole jon and kate thing
i havent watched this season yet
i am however a follower of jon and kate from the beginning...
i would totally sell my story, install cameras and exploit my kids to be debt free...lmao
but for real, it was getting out of control
her barking, him dopey, her makeovers, his hair implants.... and her hair cut...they were killing me
and then all the hoopla about who jon was screwing over the summer really, i believed, was all for ratings
so i wasnt gonna watch
until now
nothing on, i watched the rerun of the first episode and balled..
i saw me
at that birthday party..
when they were so awkward...
they couldnt even look at each other
that hurt
being "civil" for the sake of the guests...
i have been in kates shoes, in jons shoes..
my kids
there kids
at the end of the day, they made the decision they did for the show, but to see them, that raw, just
hurt really hit home
we all make our decisions as jon says...
but EVERYONE pays for them
we may not realize how much it hurts til you sit and see yourself and your family in someone's on tv
as i still sit and look at kate, with her nails done and thin
i see her trying to feel good...
just like when gram said to me... along time ago...
try some lipstick jen, it will make you feel better,
when you look better, you feel better
and in some cases, true...but when you look in the mirror or lay in bed or are alone in the car....
you know whats underneath..the hurt
when you feel totally inadequate..self esteem shot....
holding on ....
until you fuck everything up....
let go...she didnt
i did

just like today...
the tradgedy of bobby tomer
everyone is buzzing...
and everyone loves to talk
about how they knew him
what connection they had
what he did
that he was a drug addict
what the fuck does that matter now?
he is dead
and that his life got to be too much to take
he gave in, gave up
i did not know bobby
i knew of him, i know his family
and as a mother
for your child to take his own life, pretty much right in front of you
not being able to do anything to help your son
your baby....
well, has to be the most devestating thing in the world
and if it was indeed the psych drugs he was on
i can relate
sometimes i wish i never started taking them...
i mean, depression, anxiety, i just think you should be able to feel these things,
maybe we should hire coaches to help deal instead of masking it with psych drugs
i mean, it has been a while now,
but while my own doctors were figuring out what the hell was wrong with me
life is what is wrong with me
not having the right tools to deal with LIFE
i still believe that meds are horrible....
but i am so afraid to not be on them now...double edged sword

but anyway
not that long ago
the meds they gave me were not mixing
and a week into the cocktail....i found myself manic....
organizing clothes, except not...just putting things all over...and then just broke down,
kids fighting, my life spiraling, depression .....
i sat on my bathroom floor
wanting to end my life
while my kids were right in the living room
watching backyardigans...
no one knows why anything happens
so for all of you talking about this poor kid..

you have no idea what goes on in peoples lives
the person in the cube next to you at work may have just picked herself up off the floor and hides behind a smile
or that guy serving you your cheese at the deli, may have just lost his mom or the girl sitting on the bus next to you may have just gotten her ass beat while her daughter watched before she went to school..
my point is, just cause someone is smiling on the outside, doesnt mean they are inside
i have judged people my whole life,
it is easy to point out others faults so you dont have to look at your own...
until recently
i have discovered
that no one deserves to be judged or talked about
it really saddens me that a 24 year old kid took his own life, no matter what his family life was
or whatever...
he is dead
say hi to a stranger
hug the ones you love
tell them you love them
smiling may just brighten someones day...
change their attitude..
keep them from hitting the bathroom floor...


Judy said...

I love your blog. I just read your post and am finding myself nodding in community with you- i, a pittsburgh blogger/mommy with depression and anxiety and a fucked up life in general, though with all of the best intentions. I'll be lurking to read your next truths- as you are welcome to lurk around mine. Thanks for the good read! - Judy

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

I've been neglecting my reading for a while and yours is one of the first blogs I'm trying to catch up with. You are so right here.

Anonymous said...

Just make sure you seal those tiles after installing