just a little life

so i dont know what the hell is going on with this computer
i have to do the recovery shit everymorning...lol
just to get in touch with the internet
i love it here
babbling
reading
i love the internet....



anywho..


i have been doing a lot of thinking lately
about my own trials and tribulations...
my own shit
and the shit of those that i love
lol
i see people struggling with their day to day
just as i do

and listen folks
this has been a real shitty year so far and last year was no picninc either
...i feel like i am at a stand still with my growing and learning of me process
like i am treading water
i am just here


it is such a hard situation, and something only those of us that have gone through it...no matter what type...addiction is ...
HELL
you dont know how you started, or how you end up at such an emtional bottom....but you did and it takes alot to get out from underneath that...
that guilt
i dont know if it will ever go away for me...
all i know is now...
just need to make things better for my family everyday


anyway

as i was saying



i just feel there has gotta be something more to it than this
this day to day shit
just more to it
and i try to put more into my life
activities with the kids
movie night with them
taking them places
reading
or just playing with them or listening to them tell me stories...
i love that
i do



i feel like i am worth more than what i have..
i have wonderful kids...no arrgument there
thats not what i need more of
i am on full with that...


and i have an ok marriage
i work daily at it


marriage is the hardest thing, besides addiction that i have ever had to really struggle and work for daily
i didnt do that for a long time..


i wasnt used to having to prove my self to anyone
and now i do that on a daily basis


and i know fighting addiciton is one thing
i know that i need to do that on a daily basis
but am i really supposed to be putting up with so much of "life" (that's what i am gonna call bull shit from now on)
i mean i deal with a lot of "life"
from all ends

family
husband
friends


i just dont know how much is enough
how long do you let people pigeon hole you
just try to push you down
to hurt you
test your boundaries

i have become such a miserable bitch
and it is all because i have to suppress so much feeling and so much hurt
hide it all away

and well.....
we all know what happens when i bottle shit up..
hide away from the world
and i refuse to let that happen to me again


i am so tired
tired of the all this life i deal with

things have to change
i can only do so much from one side
the counseling
the therapy


yes it helps me
but i am not a me anymore
havent been for a long time
we are a we
a family



i just want to have an internal happiness
to feel complete...
does that happen
does anyone feel perfectly happy on a day to day basis
or does everyone put on that happy face
"oh we are so in love "
or
"oh my son is so perfect "in his nice shoes and matchine outfits.........
or
my kids are f-ing geniuses....we are reading war and peace
at like 2

i mean
i am so tired of questioning myself
and dont get me wrong
i dont want perfect
i know now there is no such thing..........no where!

but what is good enough


and why



why the fuck at 33 soon to be 34 am i so fucking worried what people say about me
seriously

when does the insecurity leave you..
ever?

alright i am done



seriously
sometimes i have really shitty days
and i question so much
and most of the time
no
i do not get the answers
but it keeps my head clear if i can ask