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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

just a little life

so i dont know what the hell is going on with this computer
i have to do the recovery shit everymorning...lol
just to get in touch with the internet
i love it here
babbling
reading
i love the internet....



anywho..


i have been doing a lot of thinking lately
about my own trials and tribulations...
my own shit
and the shit of those that i love
lol
i see people struggling with their day to day
just as i do

and listen folks
this has been a real shitty year so far and last year was no picninc either
...i feel like i am at a stand still with my growing and learning of me process
like i am treading water
i am just here


it is such a hard situation, and something only those of us that have gone through it...no matter what type...addiction is ...
HELL
you dont know how you started, or how you end up at such an emtional bottom....but you did and it takes alot to get out from underneath that...
that guilt
i dont know if it will ever go away for me...
all i know is now...
just need to make things better for my family everyday


anyway

as i was saying



i just feel there has gotta be something more to it than this
this day to day shit
just more to it
and i try to put more into my life
activities with the kids
movie night with them
taking them places
reading
or just playing with them or listening to them tell me stories...
i love that
i do



i feel like i am worth more than what i have..
i have wonderful kids...no arrgument there
thats not what i need more of
i am on full with that...


and i have an ok marriage
i work daily at it


marriage is the hardest thing, besides addiction that i have ever had to really struggle and work for daily
i didnt do that for a long time..


i wasnt used to having to prove my self to anyone
and now i do that on a daily basis


and i know fighting addiciton is one thing
i know that i need to do that on a daily basis
but am i really supposed to be putting up with so much of "life" (that's what i am gonna call bull shit from now on)
i mean i deal with a lot of "life"
from all ends

family
husband
friends


i just dont know how much is enough
how long do you let people pigeon hole you
just try to push you down
to hurt you
test your boundaries

i have become such a miserable bitch
and it is all because i have to suppress so much feeling and so much hurt
hide it all away

and well.....
we all know what happens when i bottle shit up..
hide away from the world
and i refuse to let that happen to me again


i am so tired
tired of the all this life i deal with

things have to change
i can only do so much from one side
the counseling
the therapy


yes it helps me
but i am not a me anymore
havent been for a long time
we are a we
a family



i just want to have an internal happiness
to feel complete...
does that happen
does anyone feel perfectly happy on a day to day basis
or does everyone put on that happy face
"oh we are so in love "
or
"oh my son is so perfect "in his nice shoes and matchine outfits.........
or
my kids are f-ing geniuses....we are reading war and peace
at like 2

i mean
i am so tired of questioning myself
and dont get me wrong
i dont want perfect
i know now there is no such thing..........no where!

but what is good enough


and why



why the fuck at 33 soon to be 34 am i so fucking worried what people say about me
seriously

when does the insecurity leave you..
ever?

alright i am done



seriously
sometimes i have really shitty days
and i question so much
and most of the time
no
i do not get the answers
but it keeps my head clear if i can ask

6 comments:

Pam said...

Well said girl....love Pam

~d said...

WEll YOU ARE SUCH A TOTAL DOWNER. sheesh. lol.. Just kidding.
I just read this great book. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch: he put a lot of stock into making his students evaulate and critique each other's performances. So guess what.. you are doing that daily.

Questioning , EVALUATING ourselves is the only way TO GROW.

So grow .
GROW.

It's a matter of deciding what you want: and never stopping til you get it.
You gotta like yourself first : enough to "deserve" GOOD STUFF.

and....You're likeable ,... I guess.

JUST KIDDING. You're this great girL; with SUCH incredible potential that is UNUSED , UNTAPPED and untouched. Find it... use it. :)





Enough of a CRAPPO life for all of us: filled with crap. Just be.

And get a new computer while you're at it. SERIOUSLY NOW. And Pam? Whose this new comer? I'll have to JUMP HER IN. ;)


:)
d

Anonymous said...

Deb is exactly right. However, neither of us have four kids, live in an apartment, have minimal income. I think if you want to tap into your potential it will have to be in small increments. Perhaps getting a night time job, using the internet, working at a hospital or as library... If it is school you want, perhaps getting into a weekend program. DJ has to be more of a help for you to do anything. Unfortunately your financial situation has its limitations. Perhaps welfare could assist with your education and child care. Again you have limitations. Organize your life one thing at a time. Get rid of baggage. You will continue to have people comment on you as long as you are dependent on them, work on becoming independent. Dont try to fix everything all at once. Take small steps to change things. If you fall then it wont be so painful. Nobody can do it for your. No amount of money will give you a life. It is what you make it. I really want to read that book Deb mentioned. I think it would be a great start.
I AM here
Love
Aunt Kath

~d said...

I think Pam is my blogger friend from IReland!
d

~d said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~d said...

sorry didnt' realize i posted the same twice..