tank top...

i got a tan today


ah ha ha ha


lol

yes ladies and gents
i took the fat into the sun and burned it


i think a passerby actually asked if someone was cooking bacon....
no just me ...
tanning

lol


i dont know what the fuck i looked like
but while the boys played on the porch...
i sat on the side walk
tank top
and shorts


yes


i said
tank
top


lmao


white fat is nasty
tan fat looks better


lol

random thoughts

well....i had an interesting weekend so say the least
i wish to f ing god this computer...or whatever you want to call it would download my pictures, but it refuses to do so...
lilys party was saturday...
i just wanted to say thank you to dj's mom and my mother and father for all the help
thank you so much
i would love to vent and bitch...but i am not gonna waste time, space or typing energy to do so...
most people, the ones that are close to me, know what happened this weekend
i dont know what to do..
most women i feel would know
i do not
and that is how i am gonna leave it
i just dont know

i do know that i think i am having anxiety attacks..
certain things overwhelm me and i get chest pains and shortness of breath
my tounge feels like is swells and i have to lay down...


anyway


i do want to say this....


i would love to know what thing was placed in a mans head that makes them the way they are...
thought less....
completely selfish
rude
and always right



if anyone would care to shed some light on this....please please...
feel free to enlighten me



and why do we as women put up with the bull shit




for guilt maybe
past mistakes...


or maybe it s "for the kids"

not sure

i am not sure why women stay...
love?
fear?
i am exploring today..thoughts
so bear with me


i may blog alot
or none


never mind
i dont have shit to say

I love new kids

so the response from the VIP blog was awesome
and yes i will be taking pledges for the walk schedule late july






lol





WALK FOR JEN TO SEE NEW KIDS IN DC



lol




more to follow

VIP

so you see i am having issues


and not serious ones...like family issues or what have you


i am seriously stressing the fact that my loves, my new kids are not coming to pittsburgh, so now we have to stress about where we can go to see them


the ticket prices are outrageous....


they are making a pretty penny



but who cares



deb decided on dc cause we can stay with jen
and they have this package ...
VIP
that you can get on their web site
http://www.nkotb.com/


there you can get this package

THE VIP package

they should call it

you are over thirty now and you want that one last grasp on your teenage years tickets...

cause i am trying to figure out ways to get it....money wise

maybe i should to a walk

walk to send jen to see her first loves

or maybe sell candy for the trip..hey i can stop at the smithsonian....it could be educational...

but people please

to see these faces

and lets see ewhat else does this price include

ah yes a

Fucking MEET AND GREET

yes can you even believe it

i cant

so not only are in you the first ten rows

and lets face it

i am big

i will be in the front mid concert

but you can get them a week before anyone else

you have a pre party

and a fucking meet and greet

how can you say no

to whatever the price is

so what if the kids have to eat hot dogs and water all summer

im there!

im taking pledges....please leave info in the comments..thanks

yeah yeah

so i was in the worst mood yesterday
i mean christ
i read the blogs
and well by now ....well
i say i am allowed like one a week
then two weeks
then monthly
so for now
just deal with it bitches

whatever

i am so sick of my fake friends
how are you gonna say to me that you will always be there for me
but then when i have a day and i really need a break and i say
i was thinking of stopping over
and then no response
so then i say
oh well
i am just going to walk
and i get
ok call me when you get back if you need to talk
WHAT
then i call back and the person is drunk
hanging out with some chick
ok
i understand if you have plans
but just tell me
i am tired
i am always here for my friends
always
no matter what
if someone calls
i go
i am here
open house
i am so tired of every ~fucking ~body
tired
tired
tired




whatever
oh well....right
lol
christ

just a little life

so i dont know what the hell is going on with this computer
i have to do the recovery shit everymorning...lol
just to get in touch with the internet
i love it here
babbling
reading
i love the internet....



anywho..


i have been doing a lot of thinking lately
about my own trials and tribulations...
my own shit
and the shit of those that i love
lol
i see people struggling with their day to day
just as i do

and listen folks
this has been a real shitty year so far and last year was no picninc either
...i feel like i am at a stand still with my growing and learning of me process
like i am treading water
i am just here


it is such a hard situation, and something only those of us that have gone through it...no matter what type...addiction is ...
HELL
you dont know how you started, or how you end up at such an emtional bottom....but you did and it takes alot to get out from underneath that...
that guilt
i dont know if it will ever go away for me...
all i know is now...
just need to make things better for my family everyday


anyway

as i was saying



i just feel there has gotta be something more to it than this
this day to day shit
just more to it
and i try to put more into my life
activities with the kids
movie night with them
taking them places
reading
or just playing with them or listening to them tell me stories...
i love that
i do



i feel like i am worth more than what i have..
i have wonderful kids...no arrgument there
thats not what i need more of
i am on full with that...


and i have an ok marriage
i work daily at it


marriage is the hardest thing, besides addiction that i have ever had to really struggle and work for daily
i didnt do that for a long time..


i wasnt used to having to prove my self to anyone
and now i do that on a daily basis


and i know fighting addiciton is one thing
i know that i need to do that on a daily basis
but am i really supposed to be putting up with so much of "life" (that's what i am gonna call bull shit from now on)
i mean i deal with a lot of "life"
from all ends

family
husband
friends


i just dont know how much is enough
how long do you let people pigeon hole you
just try to push you down
to hurt you
test your boundaries

i have become such a miserable bitch
and it is all because i have to suppress so much feeling and so much hurt
hide it all away

and well.....
we all know what happens when i bottle shit up..
hide away from the world
and i refuse to let that happen to me again


i am so tired
tired of the all this life i deal with

things have to change
i can only do so much from one side
the counseling
the therapy


yes it helps me
but i am not a me anymore
havent been for a long time
we are a we
a family



i just want to have an internal happiness
to feel complete...
does that happen
does anyone feel perfectly happy on a day to day basis
or does everyone put on that happy face
"oh we are so in love "
or
"oh my son is so perfect "in his nice shoes and matchine outfits.........
or
my kids are f-ing geniuses....we are reading war and peace
at like 2

i mean
i am so tired of questioning myself
and dont get me wrong
i dont want perfect
i know now there is no such thing..........no where!

but what is good enough


and why



why the fuck at 33 soon to be 34 am i so fucking worried what people say about me
seriously

when does the insecurity leave you..
ever?

alright i am done



seriously
sometimes i have really shitty days
and i question so much
and most of the time
no
i do not get the answers
but it keeps my head clear if i can ask

hello

ok everyone..
i know you have missed me
i know
i think i was like a computer geek in another life...
but i got it
and i found the recovery disk #2 in my sons cd player...
so that also helped
lol
ha ha
so stay tuned i have lots to catch up on

new kids

OH well

i didn't make it to new york

deb made it on to just like she said

i am working on getting the images from the show to here....soon to come

anyway

emma and deb and jen

emma holding the sign.."2nd Generation new kids fan"

deb holding a sign that i think said "Jon, my husband said i can marry you"

jens sign said ...i am sorry jen

i cant remember at the momnent

something about joe....

i am very happy for them
for deb

sure

happy

yeah thats it

not jealous

i should have been there, but

OH WELL
she got to see the first of the many new kids concerts to come
the much anticipated reunion that i missed
but through her i was there, in spirit

as i sat and watched at home

i lost my breath

got the butterflies back in my stomach

and shed a tear

as the curtain dropped and the vision of my boys on stage....

i could not contain myself

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i have waited for this day

and too see them all together on stage agian was weird...

took me back....

and yes..i actually did shed a tear

to hear .........

WOAH OH OH O OH...

hangin tough........

and

firts time was a great time

second time was a blast...........

and see the crowd hand waving..........

oh my god

joe actually sang please don'to go girl with "the hat"

you know the one

with no top

shit i lost the picture..................

sorry

anyway

i love him

i always did and always will...........LOL

in this pic he is saying......

"Jen, one more chance.....I better see you in Cleveland.......love you"

ha ha

no new kids for me

my dream has been shattered
my trip is canceled...
all i want to say is thanks
you know who you are
i had these plans for months
MONTHS i say...
and you are keeping me away from my one true everlasting love
how dare you
all of you
my heart grows colder for you daily...
i will have to watch my love on the tv as always...
but oh well i geuss huh...
just another something on my list that has been canceled due to what........
jealousy
or just plan ...you dont want me to be happy at all!
just wants me to sit in the house....
with the kids
not in new york
with my new kids....
oh well
right
that is the saying of my life..
so i say farewell debby
please give dw my love
NOT ALL OF MY LOVE deb
just a little
fuck
i am so mad

attack of the adult zit

i would like some advice
from the older set of ladies that read this little bloggy blogg


I am thiry something...young thirties ...there you go

and well....

i am beginning to wonder










WHY THE FUCK I HAVE BOILS ERRUPTING ON MY CHIN


i mean really
i can handle the occasional blemish
but this really


i was talking with my mom yesterday...
nice kitchen talk
mothers day
me, her, billy
and i am like
"mom...that stuff you gave me isnt working...neither is the clinique....i dont know what i need to do"
i think billy may have had a few suggestions...
lol
then my mom turns to me and says
"have you tried soap "

AHHHHHHHH HAAAAAAAA


lol


thanks mom
no
i dont use soap



christ

but if anyone has serious adult onset acne....can you let me know what the hell i should do...
i have actually increased water intake...
wash the face............with soap
use the erythromiacin acid shit
acne spot treatment from clinique
does pro active work?




cause i am at a loss...
I cannot see donnie wahlberg like this......
help

i love dw

just few more days
i have butterflies just thinking about it.....
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hi

hello all
just checking in
the computer should be back soon...
just wanted to say hi
geese
i miss blogging
i have been so moody lately
i have no where to vent...lol
well....i geuss i will post soon
pictures that is
i have been stocking up
lol
new kids
may 16th
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh