Monday, October 27, 2008

Happy Pumpkin Carving Day

Happy Pre Halloween...........
WE had so much fun today....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

franklin regional homecoming 08

josh is growing up
and so is meg
i remember singing the alligator song and megan cracking up
and josh
he is my first born...
he is the apple of my mothers eye
and he is getting older by the second....

Click to play josh's first homecoming
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Friday, October 24, 2008



all i can say is i am flattered
that this anonymouse person feels they have to spend time reminding me of this shit
what else can i say but thank you
i can look in the mirror and love what i see
i have to admit
some days are a little harder than others
but i am a good person
that made bad choices
but i am me none the less
so keep it coming
this is the last response that you will get from me
i cant wait for your daily comments...
how you think you can get to me
you cannot
or will not

halloween is coming up
my kids are thrilled to go trick or treating
i just hate the whole day


devils night

i am scared


and after watching THE STRANGERS
have any of you seen this shit?

if michael myers wasnt enough
now i have these images in my head
i thought it would be fun to watch a scary movie
like i am all grown up now
there arent enough happy movies to take these images out of my head

i cannot go outside after dark
all of my blinds are closed
all the time
my door is always gonna be locked
cause in the movie when asked
"why are you doing this to us?"
the freaky voice behind the mask says
"Cause you were home"
and to make matters worse
at the beginning
you are reminded
that the movie is based on true events
thank you
and good night

Thursday, October 23, 2008 gone

you know
i just got a very honest and touching email from my favorite relative...
and she brought something to my attention that made me think
why is this anonymous part of my life
why with such harshness and anonymity is this person even in my life
why do they want to know me?
i am not sure
if you have such strong feelings for me
for my past
such loathing
then why not remove yourself from my life
or is it just easier to sit and judge me
ridicule me for my mistakes than look at your own
or that someone is doing to you

go ahead
i will be your punching bag...
get it all out
cause i can laugh daily
i look back and cringe and cry and hurt for all i did
but how long am i supposed to mourn the mistakes i have made

i love my life so much now
i like me
with all the bull shit
i have lots of character....lmao

and i can do this because i do have a wonderful family
that does care
they dont have to agree with my fuck ups and they can tell me to get up off my ass and do something with my life...
and they can have their opinion
but then that's it
they are not my judge
nor are you
you are not better than me
or anyone else
life is short
too short for someone like you in my life
cause it may not be today
or tomorrow of a year from now
but trust me
the truth always surfaces.................ALWAYS
i will find out who wrote me these love letters
and what will i do with them
because if i let every bad comment or opinion ruin my life
i would be six feet under
~deep breath~
and i am gonna quote her ...... my favorite relative....
"anyone can stay for the rainbow - it is the people that are there after the storm "
and you know what
i should keep that in mind every day
thank you
be gone oh negative one

thank you

i sit here and debate on what to do
this anonymous really gets to me...
she knows it
but apparently there are two now because a "we"was mentioned
i could blog battle
and cry
and be hurt by reading these comments
i think that i cry because i do know it is true
or maybe i cry because i think i know who it is by the words that are used
women that have been hurt by cheating husbands...
or that have cheating fathers......
or that have cheated themselves and just want to point out my wrong doings to make them feel better....not sure
but hurtful none the less

let me start by saying this

i did what was right for aiden
i made another family complete
and one day i will explain that to my kids
I will answer any question that they have honestly
and maybe these mistakes i made will make me a better mom...
a better listener
a better person
and i HOPE that one day my kids WILL forgive me for me being the person that i WAS
back then
not present
the words you chose in those comments were hurtful
and maybe at one time in my life ...that was me
but not now
stop trying to beat me down with past mistakes
i am a person
i have feelings...
i hurt to
and i have hurt myself and others in my life
i dont blame anyone for my decisions and mistakes
i made them
i deal with them everyday
none of you do
none of these decisions i made about josh, or lucas or anything in my life are easy
but they make me an easy target
easy for you to point the things out that you would have done different, or what i should have done
they arent easy things
do you know what it feels like to be all alone in a hospital room...
holding a peice of you, your child, tiny baby... so close
just to feel his breath of his on your face
to listen to his breath one last time before you have to let him go....
to sing to him over and over in hopes he will remember your voice forever....
to have a peice of you gone
tell me you know what that feels like.....
and i know
i know
what i did to get there was all my fault...
but dont you dare tell me how it feels to be me
or what hurt is
i know
these decisions are hard for me
on a daily basis
and yes , at times maybe for me i do look to blame
but i do not blame anyone
not my family, yes sometimes i dont like the way things happened when i was little, what i saw or heard
and i do sometimes blame dj because in the beginning i was a really good wife and i tried really hard to make things i did in the end....we just didnt know how to be married....
and i can sit here and try to justify or give you reasons both of us were wrong, but i am not
it has taken a toll on me
trying to blame
i stopped doing that and looked in the mirror a long time ago
i am the only one i hold responsible for anything going wrong or right in my life
i am moving on
i am past my mistakes
i am trying to make myself a better person daily
i know that all of you would love that to happen over night
its not gonna happen
but you keep trying to put me down
give me all the bad shit
remind me of it
and over
and over and over
i can take it
believe me i have taken much worse
i am taking it all in
cause in the end ...
maybe i can thank you
for making me stronger

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

i love life

i have been doing a lot of thinking
about life
-i know-
you all are probably we go......
but no...
i just want to say
life is good.......
it is really good
even with the bad emotional shit....
its good
i have my kids....i love listening to them talk, cry, fight.....
i love that they love each other at the end of the day
they protect each other, they play together and
all in all
they are pretty good kids
and i love my life
did i say that
it has been a long time since i have woken up on a daily basis and said........
another day...
but in a positive way
i am at a point where i cannot wait to wake up
to see what my day will hold
i have found a new sense of security in my self
self confidence....
i feel positive

"i am strong because i am weak
i am beautiful because i know my flaws
i am a lover because i am a fighter
I am fearless because i have been afraid
i am wise because i have been foolish
......and I can laugh because i have known sadness....."

i love that quote
i feel like it nails me
instead of dwelling on all my mistakes...
i can be happpy, in a way, that i made the mistakes
i can embrace life today
i know how to fuck up
i know how to make things right.....
i know how to let someone care about me
to actually let someone love me
to listen as well as speak...
to give someone else love....
i dont know what to say
a lot of you dont agree with the person that i am with
but you dont know him
everyone judges
makes their own comments
but i just want to say
i have been judged
i have been ridiculed
and i have been hurt
and it hurts
really bad
to hear that people that you care about, your family
can talk that easily behind your back
it hurts
watch what you say people....
words hurt worse than anything i know
please at least have the guts to say or talk about me or him to my face
i let others thoughts and words hurt me for a long time
i refuse to let you hurt me or him anymore
i will stand up for what i believe in now...
i will not stand back and watch and listen to what people say and just agree so that i can avoid confrontation
i am happy
genunily happy
this may not last forever...
i am not looking for forever right now
but right now
i have a person in my life that i feel completely safe with
i feel happy most of every minute of the day
i have someone that SHOWS love for me
and i feel comfortable enought to do the same
we talk, we laugh, we dance, we play......
he gives me everything i have ever wanted in a man...
so all of you that hate it or hate me for being with him...
i dont care
i really dont
misery loves company and i am not joining your club again

Monday, October 20, 2008

race car buggies

what the hell
who invented this

do you realize that everytime i get to go to giant eagle....
everytime we walk in
we fight for this buggy
and i wouldn't care
at all
with four kids
in giant eagle
trying to push this big rig through the damn store


is a joke
you have to like back up and turn a certain way
so god forbid if you forget something in the same aisle
you have to just loop around the next one to get back to get that one packet of koolaid that you forgot that your daughter will freak out about cause she doesnt have something green to drink ..


i have vented enough

i am putting out a petion to ban the race car buggies and the god forsakin ones that can fit like all of my kids in...
you know
the ones with the extended cab
i think they are at wal mart

too much!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hangin tough





this is us......peeing ourselves before leaving Jenny's

this was one of the first seconds they were there...right in front of my face and nada....nothing......NO WORDS!

yes...this is actually joe mcintyre standing at our table.... i look all calm.....inside...i had bubble guts and i was screaming........

 arm touching danny wood.......yep he is a little

these were the coolest girls to have experienced this with....i will never forget this birthday...

this is when i shit myself.....i mean ....really.....come on....

then we leave the meet and greet and this is our view...........amazing concert...............just .......

and there he is the love of my life.....

all of my dreams have come true......

yeah .............

joe .....jordan.....donnie..............AHHHHHHHHHHH

i think about you in the summertime......woah

we love you.............

i absolutley will be loving my new kids forever!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

new kids ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this is it

the photo you have all been waiting for

that is my pink arm around donnie wahlbergs neck
i may have been choking him
that was pretty much it
i waited 20 years to meet this man
always talkin shit of what i would say to them
to him
that i loved him over half of my life
and as soon as they came out i froze
i froze
i stood in front of him as another fan...slut whore fan came rushing over in front of me
rubbing all over him and he was returning the favor i might add
but anyway
joe mcintyre made his way over to me
i wish all of you could have been inside my head
panic attack city
and not moving
did i mention that
i watched jenny and deb making their way around to all o f them
debby questioning the shit out of jordan
and jen shmoozing like she had known them forever
and then there was me
no words
as donnie made eye contact with me
i freaked
he said
are you ok
and took my hand
checked me out
ah ha
for real
told me i had nice legs
i still had nothing
no words
i just hugged him
smelling him
then just stood watching
i could not beleive it
then i look up as jon knight walked near and saw deb almost tackle the fuck out of danny wood to get to him
what a night ladies and gents
and well
to top that
we had like the BEST ever seats for the concert
third row center stage
i think i t was third
third or fourth
it was the most amazing night ever
i will never forget it and i will always cherish that i shared it with my bff and fellow new kids loving friend deb
( and jenny too)
and well
it was emotional and fun and exhausting
i hope it is not there last show


more pics to follow when i get em


thank you deb
thank you
thank you
thank you