Saturday, August 28, 2010

i love you mom

sometimes...i get overwhelmed..shocking i know
but today...i just thought about joshua all day.
for those of you that don't know me, Josh is my 16 year old son that has been with my mother and raised with so much love since he was 18 months old
somedays ... most days i failed him as a parent
over and over
and days like today i am so overwhelmed with emotion for my mother who gave up so much for him
for me
i sit in tears for all that i miss and all that i gave him at the same time
how can i ever say thanks mom for raising my son
thank you for dad for showing him what man is
he is amazing..truly
so grown up and i am so proud of him
and i will forever be in debt to my mother for all the love and devotion she has given this boy
while it hurts me, and i am sure him too, all the time i wasnt there i hope that in the future he will always know that i love him
and her
i love my mother on such a different level and i dont tell her that enough
days go by without seeing her
and that should not happen
i love you mom so much
i know we never had that close of a relationship but know that you are the most spectacular mother, friend, PERSON on this earth.
and i will never be able to thank you in a million years for what you have done, given josh
i love you

Sunday, July 25, 2010

crazy bitch

i know all of you were dying for me to post...
the crazy girl..who is manic and loves to start shit
i dont do much these days..
work and hang out
in love with my life
my kids
my love..
i found someone that has shown me that it is ok to be me
who knows all of my life story
who i dont have to put on a show for
who adores me...jennifer
and shows it
helps me
he is amazing
we are all pretty happy these days..
i love it

i finally know what happy is..
inside of me
and outside of me
i am learning that communication is key
and that i dont have to hide feelings...

blah blah blah
today is abby and jared party...
gotta run

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

journal it

everything from now on in my life will be noted..
i vent on here
i journal everything..
you never know when you will have to look back and have to know what happened on what day
;) great...

well..its tuesday..
im waiting to take collin to the doctor..
and i feel amazing..
what an idiot i am for him
and for what?
to be humilitated
put down
no more
you are no longer a part of my life
when i call it will be for the kids only
hope everyones tuesday is a success
a good friend, and i miss him dearly, used to say this to me all the time...
be great...

im on my way!!

Monday, May 31, 2010

so funny
im over this bullshit
i have one focus in my life..
my kids
everything and everyone else..
go fuck yourself

im ok

lol...i cant sleep..
i had to blogg..
i am actually giddy right now
thank GOD for the decisions that he made this week..
i forgot about me for a second ..
the true me..who i really am
not who you think you know
who i let you know
toxic relationships make you a different person ...
ex's are ex's for a reason
wether it was me or him...its over
its been over for years
its hard to see someone else move on..god knows he did and now i know
and she truly is just like mike..
someone to pass the time..till things get serious and you see who they really are
someone that makes you feel good..
they are not long term people...AT ALL
so ..whatever
i am ok
i am sad
i did not cry
and i will not
and there will never be an us again and i am ok with it
... i think...

i sat and talked to my kids tonight..they have so much genuine love for me
we have such good days now..we get a long so well
and i feel so bad that for two days i was so wrapped up in all the stupid shit...
that i wasnt paying attention to them
it will never happen again
such an unconditional love is overwhelming..
so when you put everything into perspective..

nothing else AT ALL matters

i just wish i would breathe...take a step back and then react..
i just react..
although..i regret nothing about what i said to her..
to him..the family..a little..

so anyway
i am getting back on track..
i am fucking completely insane

but i am glad i can get myself back together now
my kids ground me..
show me whats right
funny it should be the other way around..
i hope they know i love them..
i think they do
they do

there really must be something theraputic in the water at aunt kathy's pool

its early in the am..i am ok..
everything is ok..
im back

Sunday, May 30, 2010

game over

i bitch about not having good friends..
i have two really good friends..
they tell me like it is
they listen and let me talk
and they tell me that its gonna hurt like a bitch
nothing is gonna dull is the end of something
and i never thought in a million years that i would talk to them like i have today
thank you...
the end of something...hmmm.... never really had an end of anything..
that's it..
everything in my life lingers..
so i have to end this "vicious cycle"
or you ended it..i ended it..u definately ended it this time..
oh well..its over right?

today i sat and watched my kids play in the pool
today i laughed
i miss them when they arent with me

and tonight is the last night i will shed a tear thinking of you
cause it hurts so much
im giving my self one cry...tomorrow ill deal
and i geuss i was grasping at what i thought could have been and never was...
from the door we were fucked...
and by the wat..
you didnt have to say those things to me that night..
that weekend
cause you knew what you were doing...

cause while in the past month i have heard so much from you
no one will ever take my place
that you wanted me ...
just be my asked me three times
and held me so close..
let me treat you like you should be treated
and then that cunt is laying in the same spot i was five days before
and you tell me there are no feelings for her
and yet you are at her sisters house right now...with her

i am a fool for you at all the wrong times
i let you make me feel insecure AGAIN
and i told you today you wont hear from me again
and you wont

she is a replacement of me
she lives in my shadow
a distraction said distraction

and no i am not going to stop posting this blog
i love it
it frees me
of my feelings of you
cause i know you read it..and way or another you will realize one day that i am not the only crazy one..
i am an attention hog and a lot of worthy people read and give me good feedback
and its not always good...
but it is something

im not crazy
i am a person with a lot of emotion
and feeling
and i just cannot believe that this is happening
but it is what it is..
you have compared this to me and mike
she is mike
the only difference is that she hasnt been around the kids..
im sure she will be
but maybe not
we play tit for tat
the endless game of lets see who can hurt who the most
well you played well babe
you have come out ahead it looks like
you have a wonderful family
2 lovely sisters and
an amazing girlfriend..
you have it all

i geuss i lost
you won


Saturday, May 29, 2010

let me go

this used to be a place where i could vent
one of the only places is was accepted
and i guess now you have taken my freedom to type away too..
"defamation of character"
you say
well is it defamation of character for you to sit with your friends and family call me a coke whore
or an unfit mother..
yell in my ear about how many children i gave birth to as to how many live with me
"thats character flaw jen..."
call me a nigger lover to your buddies
or tell me my mother and father dont love me
that i have NO ONE in my life that is real
that you will destroy me emotionally and in the public eye
is that defamation of character as well..
only difference is you say it
i type it
see .. i accept all my flaws..
i cannot let my self regret anymore or live in the shadows of the hurt i caused you or myself
and that kills you that i can just move on with my life
so now you think you can just hurt me..anytime you want
like you are soo innocent
but then., are .. in your
you sit and chuckle at the crazy girl
believe me i do to
and i sit and think about you.. passing judgement on me
glass houses shatter very easy
see it is so easy to sit and point out my faults
rather than look at yourself in a magnified mirror
but now that you have pointed and laughed and sneered and tore me apart..
what is left for you to look at now?
who are you gonna talk about
who can you hurt next..
try this...
try looking at your own life ..the secret one that you think people don't know about
cause just as much as you have talked about have been talked about
your secrets aren't so secret..
so here is a little suggestion
keep it to yourself..
leave me alone
stop hurting me
I'm not who i once was and for like an hour i let you bring me back there
wanting to get even
wanting to publicise your lies and your fake
wanting to hurt anyone i could
but i guess knowing IS half the battle..cause i know enough...
i don't bother you
you call me
i don't want you
you want me
so leave me alone
walk away
don't pull me back there
i fight demons every day...EVERYDAY
i don't wanna fight you anymore..
i hurt you
and now i think we are even
i am done hurting
especially for things i cant take back
and i will never put myself in a position ..a vulnerable position with you again!!
please leave me alone
I'm letting go

Thursday, May 27, 2010

where do i go

why is it so hard for me to deal with hurt..
the first thing i think of is how to hurt back
get even
he talks to me like last week he wasnt telling me he loved me
like i never existed
like i am so bad
he told me i was the best
that no one else was me
that i was it

i want to move on
i want to be free of you
so let me go

maybe i should be telling myself to not go back
to fall into all your shit
i sit here and feel gutted
so lost
so hurt

i dont know what to do
i dont have anyone

Sunday, January 31, 2010

see you taunty...

i will always remember how her house smelled..

always remember that she taught me how to wipe the nail polish from around the tip of the jar every time you paint your nails...her house was immaculate..

i loved the way she laughed and the way she said my name..jenny
she was so sweet and she will be missed
she is now with her loves..marylin, uncle rich ...uncle rege and aunt helen, uncle jack
she is at peace
love you taunt

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

miss you buddy

i miss my friend
real friend
i miss my self at ttimes..who i used to be
i am happy some days..most days
and there are other days that i wanna run and hide
thats normal
but i miss my best friend...
i wasnt a good friend
you did so much for me
just know you were and are really appreciated
i hope one day we will be back together
i hate that we broke up