Monday, May 31, 2010

so funny
im over this bullshit
i have one focus in my life..
my kids
everything and everyone else..
go fuck yourself

im ok

lol...i cant sleep..
i had to blogg..
i am actually giddy right now
thank GOD for the decisions that he made this week..
i forgot about me for a second ..
the true me..who i really am
not who you think you know
who i let you know
toxic relationships make you a different person ...
ex's are ex's for a reason
wether it was me or him...its over
its been over for years
its hard to see someone else move on..god knows he did and now i know
and she truly is just like mike..
someone to pass the time..till things get serious and you see who they really are
someone that makes you feel good..
they are not long term people...AT ALL
so ..whatever
i am ok
i am sad
i did not cry
and i will not
and there will never be an us again and i am ok with it
... i think...

i sat and talked to my kids tonight..they have so much genuine love for me
we have such good days now..we get a long so well
and i feel so bad that for two days i was so wrapped up in all the stupid shit...
that i wasnt paying attention to them
it will never happen again
such an unconditional love is overwhelming..
so when you put everything into perspective..

nothing else AT ALL matters

i just wish i would breathe...take a step back and then react..
i just react..
although..i regret nothing about what i said to her..
to him..the family..a little..

so anyway
i am getting back on track..
i am fucking completely insane

but i am glad i can get myself back together now
my kids ground me..
show me whats right
funny it should be the other way around..
i hope they know i love them..
i think they do
they do

there really must be something theraputic in the water at aunt kathy's pool

its early in the am..i am ok..
everything is ok..
im back

Sunday, May 30, 2010

game over

i bitch about not having good friends..
i have two really good friends..
they tell me like it is
they listen and let me talk
and they tell me that its gonna hurt like a bitch
nothing is gonna dull is the end of something
and i never thought in a million years that i would talk to them like i have today
thank you...
the end of something...hmmm.... never really had an end of anything..
that's it..
everything in my life lingers..
so i have to end this "vicious cycle"
or you ended it..i ended it..u definately ended it this time..
oh well..its over right?

today i sat and watched my kids play in the pool
today i laughed
i miss them when they arent with me

and tonight is the last night i will shed a tear thinking of you
cause it hurts so much
im giving my self one cry...tomorrow ill deal
and i geuss i was grasping at what i thought could have been and never was...
from the door we were fucked...
and by the wat..
you didnt have to say those things to me that night..
that weekend
cause you knew what you were doing...

cause while in the past month i have heard so much from you
no one will ever take my place
that you wanted me ...
just be my asked me three times
and held me so close..
let me treat you like you should be treated
and then that cunt is laying in the same spot i was five days before
and you tell me there are no feelings for her
and yet you are at her sisters house right now...with her

i am a fool for you at all the wrong times
i let you make me feel insecure AGAIN
and i told you today you wont hear from me again
and you wont

she is a replacement of me
she lives in my shadow
a distraction said distraction

and no i am not going to stop posting this blog
i love it
it frees me
of my feelings of you
cause i know you read it..and way or another you will realize one day that i am not the only crazy one..
i am an attention hog and a lot of worthy people read and give me good feedback
and its not always good...
but it is something

im not crazy
i am a person with a lot of emotion
and feeling
and i just cannot believe that this is happening
but it is what it is..
you have compared this to me and mike
she is mike
the only difference is that she hasnt been around the kids..
im sure she will be
but maybe not
we play tit for tat
the endless game of lets see who can hurt who the most
well you played well babe
you have come out ahead it looks like
you have a wonderful family
2 lovely sisters and
an amazing girlfriend..
you have it all

i geuss i lost
you won


Saturday, May 29, 2010

let me go

this used to be a place where i could vent
one of the only places is was accepted
and i guess now you have taken my freedom to type away too..
"defamation of character"
you say
well is it defamation of character for you to sit with your friends and family call me a coke whore
or an unfit mother..
yell in my ear about how many children i gave birth to as to how many live with me
"thats character flaw jen..."
call me a nigger lover to your buddies
or tell me my mother and father dont love me
that i have NO ONE in my life that is real
that you will destroy me emotionally and in the public eye
is that defamation of character as well..
only difference is you say it
i type it
see .. i accept all my flaws..
i cannot let my self regret anymore or live in the shadows of the hurt i caused you or myself
and that kills you that i can just move on with my life
so now you think you can just hurt me..anytime you want
like you are soo innocent
but then., are .. in your
you sit and chuckle at the crazy girl
believe me i do to
and i sit and think about you.. passing judgement on me
glass houses shatter very easy
see it is so easy to sit and point out my faults
rather than look at yourself in a magnified mirror
but now that you have pointed and laughed and sneered and tore me apart..
what is left for you to look at now?
who are you gonna talk about
who can you hurt next..
try this...
try looking at your own life ..the secret one that you think people don't know about
cause just as much as you have talked about have been talked about
your secrets aren't so secret..
so here is a little suggestion
keep it to yourself..
leave me alone
stop hurting me
I'm not who i once was and for like an hour i let you bring me back there
wanting to get even
wanting to publicise your lies and your fake
wanting to hurt anyone i could
but i guess knowing IS half the battle..cause i know enough...
i don't bother you
you call me
i don't want you
you want me
so leave me alone
walk away
don't pull me back there
i fight demons every day...EVERYDAY
i don't wanna fight you anymore..
i hurt you
and now i think we are even
i am done hurting
especially for things i cant take back
and i will never put myself in a position ..a vulnerable position with you again!!
please leave me alone
I'm letting go

Thursday, May 27, 2010

where do i go

why is it so hard for me to deal with hurt..
the first thing i think of is how to hurt back
get even
he talks to me like last week he wasnt telling me he loved me
like i never existed
like i am so bad
he told me i was the best
that no one else was me
that i was it

i want to move on
i want to be free of you
so let me go

maybe i should be telling myself to not go back
to fall into all your shit
i sit here and feel gutted
so lost
so hurt

i dont know what to do
i dont have anyone