Monday, June 29, 2009

fallen soldier

look close....

that would be it
the fallen soldier...
look at uncle lenny
all discouraged...

i over threw the ball back to uncle teddy
just a softball disgrace...
just know team, that i really tried hard to get that ball

i will never live that down


yep that is me....made it to second on one hit
what you dont see
is my chest as i am gasping for air
and my leg shaking from my muscles asking me what the fuck i am doing
running like that...

i mean..i had to post this today...late because every muscle in my freaking body hurts
we had a family softball game yesterday
and i thought...going in..
that i was pretty atheltic...lmao
i mean, when i think of sports, i think how i used to just go ahead and run...
play field hockey
ha haha
but i did not think about the last time i did those things


that was close to twenty years
keep that in mind as you read

so we were up to bat first...
did ok
then we take the field..i figure..i will take the outfield..
ha ha
well, phillip dininno made a huge pop up fly ball lands behind me and i run to the fence to get it
i am feeling good
everyone yelling
ball in mit
go to run and throw and


fell right on my face
help up
like a dog chasing a ball but it tied to a leash...lmao
my shoe lace got caught on the little loop on the bottom of the fence
FLAT on my face

all i hear is throw the ball
hes runnin home
throw the ball jen

said ball was like three inches out of my reach at this point cause it dropped when my face hit the ground
then i hear my teammate ashley



and i am yelling...stop him from running...not fair
i am caught

ha ha

ms athlete of the year

i think i got MVP for that game

ha ha

good time tho
thanks everyone

and just a little fyi
i am practicing...
so any blue teamates wanna run some bases...we can do this
and one more thing....
i am bedazzling the shit out of my shirt

Friday, June 12, 2009

new kids...09..PITTSBURGH

for some reason, i cannot get these in order...maybe cause it is like 3 in the am..and i am still spinning from the concert....i will fix it tomorrow...maybe....probably not...lmao...

here we are at the show...the girls had shirts that say, i love nkotb on the front and just like my mommy on the back...mine was the same on the front and on the back of mine it said just like my kids.......

for some reason, i will have to have pictures to follow....

we had SUCH a good time...they loved it

lily and abby on either side of me, holding my arms....standing on the seats...dancing and singing the right stuff.....summertime...


who would have ever thought that we would be taking our kids to the new kids concert....
i loved did they....
lily said to
i think i am going to dream about the new kids tonight...
you and me both kid....
so fun

Monday, June 1, 2009

the bathroom floor

ok, i have been discussing this for a while with people
the whole jon and kate thing
i havent watched this season yet
i am however a follower of jon and kate from the beginning...
i would totally sell my story, install cameras and exploit my kids to be debt free...lmao
but for real, it was getting out of control
her barking, him dopey, her makeovers, his hair implants.... and her hair cut...they were killing me
and then all the hoopla about who jon was screwing over the summer really, i believed, was all for ratings
so i wasnt gonna watch
until now
nothing on, i watched the rerun of the first episode and balled..
i saw me
at that birthday party..
when they were so awkward...
they couldnt even look at each other
that hurt
being "civil" for the sake of the guests...
i have been in kates shoes, in jons shoes..
my kids
there kids
at the end of the day, they made the decision they did for the show, but to see them, that raw, just
hurt really hit home
we all make our decisions as jon says...
but EVERYONE pays for them
we may not realize how much it hurts til you sit and see yourself and your family in someone's on tv
as i still sit and look at kate, with her nails done and thin
i see her trying to feel good...
just like when gram said to me... along time ago...
try some lipstick jen, it will make you feel better,
when you look better, you feel better
and in some cases, true...but when you look in the mirror or lay in bed or are alone in the car....
you know whats underneath..the hurt
when you feel totally inadequate..self esteem shot....
holding on ....
until you fuck everything up....
let go...she didnt
i did

just like today...
the tradgedy of bobby tomer
everyone is buzzing...
and everyone loves to talk
about how they knew him
what connection they had
what he did
that he was a drug addict
what the fuck does that matter now?
he is dead
and that his life got to be too much to take
he gave in, gave up
i did not know bobby
i knew of him, i know his family
and as a mother
for your child to take his own life, pretty much right in front of you
not being able to do anything to help your son
your baby....
well, has to be the most devestating thing in the world
and if it was indeed the psych drugs he was on
i can relate
sometimes i wish i never started taking them...
i mean, depression, anxiety, i just think you should be able to feel these things,
maybe we should hire coaches to help deal instead of masking it with psych drugs
i mean, it has been a while now,
but while my own doctors were figuring out what the hell was wrong with me
life is what is wrong with me
not having the right tools to deal with LIFE
i still believe that meds are horrible....
but i am so afraid to not be on them now...double edged sword

but anyway
not that long ago
the meds they gave me were not mixing
and a week into the cocktail....i found myself manic....
organizing clothes, except not...just putting things all over...and then just broke down,
kids fighting, my life spiraling, depression .....
i sat on my bathroom floor
wanting to end my life
while my kids were right in the living room
watching backyardigans...
no one knows why anything happens
so for all of you talking about this poor kid..

you have no idea what goes on in peoples lives
the person in the cube next to you at work may have just picked herself up off the floor and hides behind a smile
or that guy serving you your cheese at the deli, may have just lost his mom or the girl sitting on the bus next to you may have just gotten her ass beat while her daughter watched before she went to school..
my point is, just cause someone is smiling on the outside, doesnt mean they are inside
i have judged people my whole life,
it is easy to point out others faults so you dont have to look at your own...
until recently
i have discovered
that no one deserves to be judged or talked about
it really saddens me that a 24 year old kid took his own life, no matter what his family life was
or whatever...
he is dead
say hi to a stranger
hug the ones you love
tell them you love them
smiling may just brighten someones day...
change their attitude..
keep them from hitting the bathroom floor...