tank top...

i got a tan today


ah ha ha ha


lol

yes ladies and gents
i took the fat into the sun and burned it


i think a passerby actually asked if someone was cooking bacon....
no just me ...
tanning

lol


i dont know what the fuck i looked like
but while the boys played on the porch...
i sat on the side walk
tank top
and shorts


yes


i said
tank
top


lmao


white fat is nasty
tan fat looks better


lol

random thoughts

well....i had an interesting weekend so say the least
i wish to f ing god this computer...or whatever you want to call it would download my pictures, but it refuses to do so...
lilys party was saturday...
i just wanted to say thank you to dj's mom and my mother and father for all the help
thank you so much
i would love to vent and bitch...but i am not gonna waste time, space or typing energy to do so...
most people, the ones that are close to me, know what happened this weekend
i dont know what to do..
most women i feel would know
i do not
and that is how i am gonna leave it
i just dont know

i do know that i think i am having anxiety attacks..
certain things overwhelm me and i get chest pains and shortness of breath
my tounge feels like is swells and i have to lay down...


anyway


i do want to say this....


i would love to know what thing was placed in a mans head that makes them the way they are...
thought less....
completely selfish
rude
and always right



if anyone would care to shed some light on this....please please...
feel free to enlighten me



and why do we as women put up with the bull shit




for guilt maybe
past mistakes...


or maybe it s "for the kids"

not sure

i am not sure why women stay...
love?
fear?
i am exploring today..thoughts
so bear with me


i may blog alot
or none


never mind
i dont have shit to say

I love new kids

so the response from the VIP blog was awesome
and yes i will be taking pledges for the walk schedule late july






lol





WALK FOR JEN TO SEE NEW KIDS IN DC



lol




more to follow

VIP

so you see i am having issues


and not serious ones...like family issues or what have you


i am seriously stressing the fact that my loves, my new kids are not coming to pittsburgh, so now we have to stress about where we can go to see them


the ticket prices are outrageous....


they are making a pretty penny



but who cares



deb decided on dc cause we can stay with jen
and they have this package ...
VIP
that you can get on their web site
http://www.nkotb.com/


there you can get this package

THE VIP package

they should call it

you are over thirty now and you want that one last grasp on your teenage years tickets...

cause i am trying to figure out ways to get it....money wise

maybe i should to a walk

walk to send jen to see her first loves

or maybe sell candy for the trip..hey i can stop at the smithsonian....it could be educational...

but people please

to see these faces

and lets see ewhat else does this price include

ah yes a

Fucking MEET AND GREET

yes can you even believe it

i cant

so not only are in you the first ten rows

and lets face it

i am big

i will be in the front mid concert

but you can get them a week before anyone else

you have a pre party

and a fucking meet and greet

how can you say no

to whatever the price is

so what if the kids have to eat hot dogs and water all summer

im there!

im taking pledges....please leave info in the comments..thanks

yeah yeah

so i was in the worst mood yesterday
i mean christ
i read the blogs
and well by now ....well
i say i am allowed like one a week
then two weeks
then monthly
so for now
just deal with it bitches

whatever

i am so sick of my fake friends
how are you gonna say to me that you will always be there for me
but then when i have a day and i really need a break and i say
i was thinking of stopping over
and then no response
so then i say
oh well
i am just going to walk
and i get
ok call me when you get back if you need to talk
WHAT
then i call back and the person is drunk
hanging out with some chick
ok
i understand if you have plans
but just tell me
i am tired
i am always here for my friends
always
no matter what
if someone calls
i go
i am here
open house
i am so tired of every ~fucking ~body
tired
tired
tired




whatever
oh well....right
lol
christ

just a little life

so i dont know what the hell is going on with this computer
i have to do the recovery shit everymorning...lol
just to get in touch with the internet
i love it here
babbling
reading
i love the internet....



anywho..


i have been doing a lot of thinking lately
about my own trials and tribulations...
my own shit
and the shit of those that i love
lol
i see people struggling with their day to day
just as i do

and listen folks
this has been a real shitty year so far and last year was no picninc either
...i feel like i am at a stand still with my growing and learning of me process
like i am treading water
i am just here


it is such a hard situation, and something only those of us that have gone through it...no matter what type...addiction is ...
HELL
you dont know how you started, or how you end up at such an emtional bottom....but you did and it takes alot to get out from underneath that...
that guilt
i dont know if it will ever go away for me...
all i know is now...
just need to make things better for my family everyday


anyway

as i was saying



i just feel there has gotta be something more to it than this
this day to day shit
just more to it
and i try to put more into my life
activities with the kids
movie night with them
taking them places
reading
or just playing with them or listening to them tell me stories...
i love that
i do



i feel like i am worth more than what i have..
i have wonderful kids...no arrgument there
thats not what i need more of
i am on full with that...


and i have an ok marriage
i work daily at it


marriage is the hardest thing, besides addiction that i have ever had to really struggle and work for daily
i didnt do that for a long time..


i wasnt used to having to prove my self to anyone
and now i do that on a daily basis


and i know fighting addiciton is one thing
i know that i need to do that on a daily basis
but am i really supposed to be putting up with so much of "life" (that's what i am gonna call bull shit from now on)
i mean i deal with a lot of "life"
from all ends

family
husband
friends


i just dont know how much is enough
how long do you let people pigeon hole you
just try to push you down
to hurt you
test your boundaries

i have become such a miserable bitch
and it is all because i have to suppress so much feeling and so much hurt
hide it all away

and well.....
we all know what happens when i bottle shit up..
hide away from the world
and i refuse to let that happen to me again


i am so tired
tired of the all this life i deal with

things have to change
i can only do so much from one side
the counseling
the therapy


yes it helps me
but i am not a me anymore
havent been for a long time
we are a we
a family



i just want to have an internal happiness
to feel complete...
does that happen
does anyone feel perfectly happy on a day to day basis
or does everyone put on that happy face
"oh we are so in love "
or
"oh my son is so perfect "in his nice shoes and matchine outfits.........
or
my kids are f-ing geniuses....we are reading war and peace
at like 2

i mean
i am so tired of questioning myself
and dont get me wrong
i dont want perfect
i know now there is no such thing..........no where!

but what is good enough


and why



why the fuck at 33 soon to be 34 am i so fucking worried what people say about me
seriously

when does the insecurity leave you..
ever?

alright i am done



seriously
sometimes i have really shitty days
and i question so much
and most of the time
no
i do not get the answers
but it keeps my head clear if i can ask