game over

i bitch about not having good friends..
i have two really good friends..
they tell me like it is
they listen and let me talk
and they tell me that its gonna hurt like a bitch
nothing is gonna dull it..it is the end of something
and i never thought in a million years that i would talk to them like i have today
thank you...
the end of something...hmmm.... never really had an end of anything..
deaths..
that's it..
everything in my life lingers..
so i have to end this "vicious cycle"
or you ended it..i ended it..u definately ended it this time..
oh well..its over right?

today i sat and watched my kids play in the pool
today i laughed
i miss them when they arent with me



and tonight is the last night i will shed a tear thinking of you
cause it hurts so much
im giving my self one night....to cry...tomorrow ill deal
and i geuss i was grasping at what i thought could have been and never was...
from the door we were fucked...
and by the wat..
you didnt have to say those things to me that night..
that weekend
cause you knew what you were doing...

cause while in the past month i have heard so much from you
no one will ever take my place
that you wanted me ...
just be my girlfriend..you asked me three times
and held me so close..
let me treat you like you should be treated
and then that cunt is laying in the same spot i was five days before
and you tell me there are no feelings for her
and yet you are at her sisters house right now...with her family.....lol

i am a fool for you at all the wrong times
i let you make me feel insecure AGAIN
and i told you today you wont hear from me again
and you wont

she is a replacement of me
she lives in my shadow
a distraction
...you said distraction

and no i am not going to stop posting this blog
i love it
it frees me
of my feelings of you
cause i know you read it..and well...one way or another you will realize one day that i am not the only crazy one..
you
i am an attention hog and a lot of worthy people read and give me good feedback
and sometime..no its not always good...
but it is something


im not crazy
i am a person with a lot of emotion
and feeling
and i just cannot believe that this is happening
but it is what it is..
you have compared this to me and mike
she is mike
lol
the only difference is that she hasnt been around the kids..
im sure she will be
but maybe not
we play tit for tat
the endless game of lets see who can hurt who the most
well you played well babe
you have come out ahead it looks like
you have a wonderful family
2 lovely sisters and
now
an amazing girlfriend..
you have it all
careful


i geuss i lost
you won



GAME OVER

let me go

this used to be a place where i could vent
one of the only places is was accepted
and i guess now you have taken my freedom to type away too..
"defamation of character"
you say
lol
well is it defamation of character for you to sit with your friends and family call me a coke whore
or an unfit mother..
yell in my ear about how many children i gave birth to as to how many live with me
"thats character flaw jen..."
call me a nigger lover to your buddies
or tell me my mother and father dont love me
that i have NO ONE in my life that is real
that you will destroy me emotionally and in the public eye
is that defamation of character as well..
only difference is you say it
i type it
see .. i accept all my flaws..
i cannot let my self regret anymore or live in the shadows of the hurt i caused you or myself
and that kills you that i can just move on with my life
so now you think you can just hurt me..anytime you want
like you are soo innocent
but then.,..you are .. in your eyes...lol
you sit and chuckle at the crazy girl
lol
believe me i do to
and i sit and think about you.. passing judgement on me
careful
glass houses shatter very easy
see it is so easy to sit and point out my faults
rather than look at yourself in a magnified mirror
but now that you have pointed and laughed and sneered and tore me apart..
what is left for you to look at now?
who are you gonna talk about
who can you hurt next..
try this...
try looking at your own life ..the secret one that you think people don't know about
cause just as much as you have talked about me..you have been talked about
your secrets aren't so secret..
so here is a little suggestion
keep it to yourself..
leave me alone
stop hurting me
I'm not who i once was and for like an hour i let you bring me back there
wanting to get even
wanting to publicise your lies and your fake world....lol...
wanting to hurt anyone i could
but i guess knowing IS half the battle..cause i know enough...
i don't bother you
you call me
i don't want you
you want me
so leave me alone
walk away
don't pull me back there
i fight demons every day...EVERYDAY
i don't wanna fight you anymore..
i hurt you
and now i think we are even
i am done hurting
especially for things i cant take back
and i will never put myself in a position ..a vulnerable position with you again!!
please leave me alone
I'm letting go

where do i go

why is it so hard for me to deal with hurt..
the first thing i think of is how to hurt back
get even
he talks to me like last week he wasnt telling me he loved me
like i never existed
like i am so bad
he told me i was the best
that no one else was me
that i was it


i want to move on
i want to be free of you
so let me go

maybe i should be telling myself to not go back
to fall into all your shit
i sit here and feel gutted
so lost
so hurt

i dont know what to do
i dont have anyone

see you taunty...

i will always remember how her house smelled..

always remember that she taught me how to wipe the nail polish from around the tip of the jar every time you paint your nails...her house was immaculate..

i loved the way she laughed and the way she said my name..jenny

she was so sweet and she will be missed

dearly

she is now with her loves..marylin, uncle rich ...uncle rege and aunt helen, uncle jack

she is at peace

love you taunt

miss you buddy

i miss my friend
real friend
i miss my self at ttimes..who i used to be
i am happy some days..most days
and there are other days that i wanna run and hide
thats normal
but i miss my best friend...
i wasnt a good friend
you did so much for me
just know you were and are really appreciated
i hope one day we will be back together
i hate that we broke up

anyone out there?

does anyone still read this thing?
should i even post pictures anymore?

fallen soldier

look close....

yep
that would be it
the fallen soldier...
look at uncle lenny
all discouraged...
lmao

i over threw the ball back to uncle teddy
just a softball disgrace...
just know team, that i really tried hard to get that ball


i will never live that down