just rambling

i cant sleep
i hate when my kids arent here
i hate that he has all the cool stuff and lets them do whatever the hell they want
he is the cool parent
and i hate that i fucked my marriage up
i hate that my life got so out of control
i hate all the mistakes i have made in my life
all the hurt i have caused others
and now myself
i have so much going on in my head i am wondering of all these meds are ok
or if they are making me manic
they said it could happen
i seem to not be able to focus
i am all over the map
emotionally too
i did decide today to let dj go
in my head
emotionally free myself of him
i have been trying to make things right
but in all reality
we dont work
as friends or otherwise
we dont like each other
and while i thought i could be the one to save my family
like he did many times before
and i turned him down
hurt him
its too late
there is so much damage done
and i need to get myself right
i left one bad relationship and found another
i finally got the ok that i got the job in ths section 8 offices...
but the process is long
i interviewed, tested, drug tested, background checked...all of which passed to all of you that may be doubting me...lol
and they hired me part time
but it is general
i still have to interview in the actual office to see when i start
its weird
i dont know if any of you ever worked for a government or state office...but it is a long process ..
LET ME WORK ALREADY
i shouldnt bitch....thanks alin for getting me in


anyway
just thought id let you all know whats going on
nothing exciting
collins birthday party is coming up
i cant wait
til next time....

friends....how many of us have them

so
have you missed me?
lots have happened
one
mike is gone
yeah
i feel like a fool...
i got got...you know what i am saying
i feel like a fool
i broke it off with him earlier in the month and then found lots out...
lol
but i was already done anyway
so finding out i was the other woman...
well
still stings a little
especially because i stuck up for him
believed in him
ah ha
jokes on me

karma is a bitch
then the following week
that would be this week
get the info that a very close friend has been creeping around, telling lies and "spending time" with someone...i am not even gonna explain who that person is
but isnt there some kind of friend rule
like a girl code that says not to sleep with your best friends ex
or tell you that she will be right back and then go spend the night at his house
or set you up
or talk to you while sitting on his couch .... while i am crying about my life...my "friend"is spending time with him...letting him listen
fifteen years i have known this person
this woman
i have actually held her for days while she cried
watched this girl get the shit beat out of her by men
she lived in my house...and well now finding ....never mind
and they are JUST FRIENDS
i was at her house a few weeks ago and noticed a pair of his socks by her bed...lol
never thought about it
just assumed that they were from my house...a pair that i had
no
i am just that stupid
but wow
this is movie shit
like shit you watch and say ....wow thats fucked up
what kind of friend does this

i mean i know that i may deserve this
to be made a fool of
so i geuss jokes is on me......let me hurt

have you ever read the book he's just not that into you?
lol
read that chapter
it is almost impossible for these two to be just friends
but i am not gonna say anymore
and it will make you laugh


i have done a lot of hurting in my life
given and recieved
and i geuss now i am paying...i mean i dont know
and karma is a mother fucker.....
thank god for therapists and lexapro and the list of meds i am on
or i may have handled things differently
i am changing for the better by the day and maybe this is God's way of showing me who is important in my life and who isn't
get rid of the garbage...
i will come out on top
no more whoe is me
i will cry....a good cry and then pack it away...
this all helps to build a stronger jen
lol
and while the thought of these two together makes my physically sick...
these two deserve each other...

it's official...

toothless...
the tooth fairy is comin tonight.....

happy new year

happy new year every one
as i packed away all the christmas decorations until next year
i was a little sad
they will be another year older
another year closer to not believing in santa
they are so fun right now and even though i sometimes wonder if lily was really put on this earth to test my patience...
i do not want them to get any older
please
but then i was also thinking...
i love the first of the year cause i feel like i have a clean slate...
it makes me feel refreshed...a new start
lets all start off on the right foot...
i feel positive about the changes i am making in my life..
i have not smoked in 5 days
i have drank eight glasses of water every day
and i swear after looking at pictures of me and mike during the penn state game
i will completely cut out pepsi again and cut back on the junk food
i am trying to keep up with positive decisions i made for the new year
not anything grand...just enough for me
so that i can reach the goals and then i will set them a little higher each month
i hope you all have a wonderful new year!
love you

be kind

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet
is fighting some kind of battle."


this was an email that i received, from dj's grama b, she passed away this morning....
i hadn't checked it in a while..
seeing this
well
maybe we should all take these words to heart...

just a sneak peek

this is after we decorated the tree....my helpers...
jared dissed us for jeremy....he only put one ornament on ...



the kids.....so cute...



charlie brown ..... huh?



collin got to do the star this year

baking at grama mames..

just thought you would enjoy a few photos since you havent seen us in a while!!

happy holidays

i was on a break
lol
from all of you negative people
now we are all sitting together
face to face
this whole week
eating, laughing
it is such a shame that it is all fake

not for me
i love all of you
i love to laugh
but it is times like these
little moments of surfing the net
you never know what you will find


who is talking about you now
lol
fuck off



anyway
i love my life right now
christmas has approached us so fast
i do regret that i could barely afford to buy for my kids,
so if any of you are expecting a gift...sorry...
i am
i feel really bad
i know all of you that spend tons of money on my kids at christmas
i just started working and well....
i had to get my kids their santa stuff..

i dont even wanna get into that
and by the way
my coach bags are fake....

in a few days we will be up at the crack of dawn opening gifts...
and all everyone is worried about is where my kids will be opening
and which house the gifts will reside..
does this really matter
i wish that all of you would just look at things in the big picture
these are my kids memories...
i am trying to make them happy ones
i am trying
so if we open presents at djs on christmas..all together
or if we do it here..
i am doing this for my kids
not for me
they are christmas..
not you
and your selfish thoughts...negative comments
whatever
in the grand scheme of things..
this is a tiny speck of my lifeline....theirs too..
so if i dont make the right decision on the gift opening
it is not the end of the world


so please
enjoy every moment
cause this life of ours is very short..
in a few years, they wont believe in santa...
they will not wanna sleep with me
and they will not want me calling them boopy anymore...
and it breaks my heart
to even think of it


i just love the feeling right now
that i have
i love them
i love all of you
no matter what you may think of me


merry christmas everyone!!!
happy holidays and happy new year!!!


see ya next year