i love you mom

sometimes...i get overwhelmed..shocking i know
but today...i just thought about joshua all day.
for those of you that don't know me, Josh is my 16 year old son that has been with my mother and raised with so much love since he was 18 months old
somedays ... most days i failed him as a parent
over and over
and days like today i am so overwhelmed with emotion for my mother who gave up so much for him
for me
i sit in tears for all that i miss and all that i gave him at the same time
how can i ever say thanks mom for raising my son
thank you for dad for showing him what man is
he is amazing..truly
so grown up and i am so proud of him
and i will forever be in debt to my mother for all the love and devotion she has given this boy
while it hurts me, and i am sure him too, all the time i wasnt there i hope that in the future he will always know that i love him
and her
i love my mother on such a different level and i dont tell her that enough
days go by without seeing her
and that should not happen
i love you mom so much
i know we never had that close of a relationship but know that you are the most spectacular mother, friend, PERSON on this earth.
and i will never be able to thank you in a million years for what you have done, given josh
i love you

crazy bitch

i know all of you were dying for me to post...
the crazy girl..who is manic and loves to start shit
yeah
i dont do much these days..
work and hang out
in love with my life
my kids
my love..
i found someone that has shown me that it is ok to be me
who knows all of my life story
who i dont have to put on a show for
who adores me...jennifer
and shows it
helps me
he is amazing
we are all pretty happy these days..
i love it

i finally know what happy is..
inside of me
and outside of me
i am learning that communication is key
and that i dont have to hide feelings...


blah blah blah
today is abby and jared party...
gotta run

journal it

everything from now on in my life will be noted..
i vent on here
i journal everything..
you never know when you will have to look back and have to know what happened on what day
;)

go..be great...

well..its tuesday..
im waiting to take collin to the doctor..
and i feel amazing..
what an idiot i am for him
and for what?
to be humilitated
put down
belittled
no more
you are no longer a part of my life
when i call it will be for the kids only
swear...
hope everyones tuesday is a success
a good friend, and i miss him dearly, used to say this to me all the time...
go
be great...

im on my way!!

so funny
im over this bullshit
i have one focus in my life..
my kids
everything and everyone else..
go fuck yourself

im ok

lol...i cant sleep..
i had to blogg..
i am actually giddy right now
thank GOD for the decisions that he made this week..
i forgot about me for a second ..
the true me..who i really am
not who you think you know
who i let you know
toxic relationships make you a different person ...
ex's are ex's for a reason
wether it was me or him...its over
its been over for years
its hard to see someone else move on..god knows he did and now i know
and she truly is just like mike..
lol
someone to pass the time..till things get serious and you see who they really are
someone that makes you feel good..
but ..lol
they are not long term people...AT ALL
so ..whatever
i am ok
i am sad
i did not cry
and i will not
and there will never be an us again and i am ok with it
... i think...
lol



i sat and talked to my kids tonight..they have so much genuine love for me
we have such good days now..we get a long so well
and i feel so bad that for two days i was so wrapped up in all the stupid shit...
that i wasnt paying attention to them
it will never happen again
such an unconditional love is overwhelming..
so when you put everything into perspective..

nothing else AT ALL matters

i just wish i would breathe...take a step back and then react..
i just react..
although..i regret nothing about what i said to her..
to him..the family..a little..

so anyway
i am getting back on track..
i am fucking completely insane
lol

but i am glad i can get myself back together now
my kids ground me..
show me whats right
lol...
funny it should be the other way around..
i hope they know i love them..
i think they do
they do

there really must be something theraputic in the water at aunt kathy's pool
really..


its early in the am..i am ok..
everything is ok..
im back

game over

i bitch about not having good friends..
i have two really good friends..
they tell me like it is
they listen and let me talk
and they tell me that its gonna hurt like a bitch
nothing is gonna dull it..it is the end of something
and i never thought in a million years that i would talk to them like i have today
thank you...
the end of something...hmmm.... never really had an end of anything..
deaths..
that's it..
everything in my life lingers..
so i have to end this "vicious cycle"
or you ended it..i ended it..u definately ended it this time..
oh well..its over right?

today i sat and watched my kids play in the pool
today i laughed
i miss them when they arent with me



and tonight is the last night i will shed a tear thinking of you
cause it hurts so much
im giving my self one night....to cry...tomorrow ill deal
and i geuss i was grasping at what i thought could have been and never was...
from the door we were fucked...
and by the wat..
you didnt have to say those things to me that night..
that weekend
cause you knew what you were doing...

cause while in the past month i have heard so much from you
no one will ever take my place
that you wanted me ...
just be my girlfriend..you asked me three times
and held me so close..
let me treat you like you should be treated
and then that cunt is laying in the same spot i was five days before
and you tell me there are no feelings for her
and yet you are at her sisters house right now...with her family.....lol

i am a fool for you at all the wrong times
i let you make me feel insecure AGAIN
and i told you today you wont hear from me again
and you wont

she is a replacement of me
she lives in my shadow
a distraction
...you said distraction

and no i am not going to stop posting this blog
i love it
it frees me
of my feelings of you
cause i know you read it..and well...one way or another you will realize one day that i am not the only crazy one..
you
i am an attention hog and a lot of worthy people read and give me good feedback
and sometime..no its not always good...
but it is something


im not crazy
i am a person with a lot of emotion
and feeling
and i just cannot believe that this is happening
but it is what it is..
you have compared this to me and mike
she is mike
lol
the only difference is that she hasnt been around the kids..
im sure she will be
but maybe not
we play tit for tat
the endless game of lets see who can hurt who the most
well you played well babe
you have come out ahead it looks like
you have a wonderful family
2 lovely sisters and
now
an amazing girlfriend..
you have it all
careful


i geuss i lost
you won



GAME OVER

let me go

this used to be a place where i could vent
one of the only places is was accepted
and i guess now you have taken my freedom to type away too..
"defamation of character"
you say
lol
well is it defamation of character for you to sit with your friends and family call me a coke whore
or an unfit mother..
yell in my ear about how many children i gave birth to as to how many live with me
"thats character flaw jen..."
call me a nigger lover to your buddies
or tell me my mother and father dont love me
that i have NO ONE in my life that is real
that you will destroy me emotionally and in the public eye
is that defamation of character as well..
only difference is you say it
i type it
see .. i accept all my flaws..
i cannot let my self regret anymore or live in the shadows of the hurt i caused you or myself
and that kills you that i can just move on with my life
so now you think you can just hurt me..anytime you want
like you are soo innocent
but then.,..you are .. in your eyes...lol
you sit and chuckle at the crazy girl
lol
believe me i do to
and i sit and think about you.. passing judgement on me
careful
glass houses shatter very easy
see it is so easy to sit and point out my faults
rather than look at yourself in a magnified mirror
but now that you have pointed and laughed and sneered and tore me apart..
what is left for you to look at now?
who are you gonna talk about
who can you hurt next..
try this...
try looking at your own life ..the secret one that you think people don't know about
cause just as much as you have talked about me..you have been talked about
your secrets aren't so secret..
so here is a little suggestion
keep it to yourself..
leave me alone
stop hurting me
I'm not who i once was and for like an hour i let you bring me back there
wanting to get even
wanting to publicise your lies and your fake world....lol...
wanting to hurt anyone i could
but i guess knowing IS half the battle..cause i know enough...
i don't bother you
you call me
i don't want you
you want me
so leave me alone
walk away
don't pull me back there
i fight demons every day...EVERYDAY
i don't wanna fight you anymore..
i hurt you
and now i think we are even
i am done hurting
especially for things i cant take back
and i will never put myself in a position ..a vulnerable position with you again!!
please leave me alone
I'm letting go

where do i go

why is it so hard for me to deal with hurt..
the first thing i think of is how to hurt back
get even
he talks to me like last week he wasnt telling me he loved me
like i never existed
like i am so bad
he told me i was the best
that no one else was me
that i was it


i want to move on
i want to be free of you
so let me go

maybe i should be telling myself to not go back
to fall into all your shit
i sit here and feel gutted
so lost
so hurt

i dont know what to do
i dont have anyone

see you taunty...

i will always remember how her house smelled..

always remember that she taught me how to wipe the nail polish from around the tip of the jar every time you paint your nails...her house was immaculate..

i loved the way she laughed and the way she said my name..jenny

she was so sweet and she will be missed

dearly

she is now with her loves..marylin, uncle rich ...uncle rege and aunt helen, uncle jack

she is at peace

love you taunt

miss you buddy

i miss my friend
real friend
i miss my self at ttimes..who i used to be
i am happy some days..most days
and there are other days that i wanna run and hide
thats normal
but i miss my best friend...
i wasnt a good friend
you did so much for me
just know you were and are really appreciated
i hope one day we will be back together
i hate that we broke up

anyone out there?

does anyone still read this thing?
should i even post pictures anymore?

fallen soldier

look close....

yep
that would be it
the fallen soldier...
look at uncle lenny
all discouraged...
lmao

i over threw the ball back to uncle teddy
just a softball disgrace...
just know team, that i really tried hard to get that ball


i will never live that down

MVP

yep that is me....made it to second on one hit
what you dont see
is my chest as i am gasping for air
and my leg shaking from my muscles asking me what the fuck i am doing
running like that...




i mean..i had to post this today...late because every muscle in my freaking body hurts
we had a family softball game yesterday
and i thought...going in..
that i was pretty atheltic...lmao
i mean, when i think of sports, i think how i used to just go ahead and run...
walk,
play field hockey
run
ha haha
but i did not think about the last time i did those things


I WAS SIXTEEN


that was close to twenty years
so
keep that in mind as you read


so we were up to bat first...
did ok
then we take the field..i figure..i will take the outfield..
safe
ha ha
well, phillip dininno made a huge pop up fly ball lands behind me and i run to the fence to get it
i am feeling good
everyone yelling
ball in mit
go to run and throw and


BAM

fell right on my face
help up
like a dog chasing a ball but it tied to a leash...lmao
my shoe lace got caught on the little loop on the bottom of the fence
yeah
FLAT on my face

all i hear is throw the ball
hes runnin home
throw the ball jen



said ball was like three inches out of my reach at this point cause it dropped when my face hit the ground
then i hear my teammate ashley


HER FOOT IS CAUGHT IN THE FENCE!!!!

lol

and i am yelling...stop him from running...not fair
i am caught


ha ha

ms athlete of the year


i think i got MVP for that game





ha ha



good time tho
thanks everyone


and just a little fyi
i am practicing...
so any blue teamates wanna run some bases...we can do this
and one more thing....
i am bedazzling the shit out of my shirt

new kids...09..PITTSBURGH

for some reason, i cannot get these in order...maybe cause it is like 3 in the am..and i am still spinning from the concert....i will fix it tomorrow...maybe....probably not...lmao...

here we are at the show...the girls had shirts that say, i love nkotb on the front and just like my mommy on the back...mine was the same on the front and on the back of mine it said just like my kids.......

for some reason, i will have to have pictures to follow....

we had SUCH a good time...they loved it

lily and abby on either side of me, holding my arms....standing on the seats...dancing and singing the right stuff.....summertime...

lmao

who would have ever thought that we would be taking our kids to the new kids concert....

i loved it...so did they....

lily said to me...mom...

i think i am going to dream about the new kids tonight...

lmao

you and me both kid....

so fun

the bathroom floor

ok, i have been discussing this for a while with people
the whole jon and kate thing
i havent watched this season yet
i am however a follower of jon and kate from the beginning...
i would totally sell my story, install cameras and exploit my kids to be debt free...lmao
but for real, it was getting out of control
her barking, him dopey, her makeovers, his hair implants.... and her hair cut...they were killing me
and then all the hoopla about who jon was screwing over the summer really, i believed, was all for ratings
so i wasnt gonna watch
until now
nothing on, i watched the rerun of the first episode and balled..
i saw me
us
at that birthday party..
when they were so awkward...
they couldnt even look at each other
that hurt
being "civil" for the sake of the guests...
i have been in kates shoes, in jons shoes..
my kids
there kids
at the end of the day, they made the decision they did for the show, but to see them, that raw, just
hurt really hit home
we all make our decisions as jon says...
yes
but EVERYONE pays for them
we may not realize how much it hurts til you sit and see yourself and your family in someone's on tv
as i still sit and look at kate, with her nails done and thin
i see her trying to feel good...
just like when gram said to me... along time ago...
try some lipstick jen, it will make you feel better,
when you look better, you feel better
and in some cases, true...but when you look in the mirror or lay in bed or are alone in the car....
you know whats underneath..the hurt
when you feel totally inadequate..self esteem shot....
holding on ....
until you fuck everything up....
let go...she didnt
i did



just like today...
the tradgedy of bobby tomer
everyone is buzzing...
and everyone loves to talk
about how they knew him
what connection they had
what he did
that he was a drug addict
what the fuck does that matter now?
he is dead
and that his life got to be too much to take
he gave in, gave up
i did not know bobby
i knew of him, i know his family
and as a mother
for your child to take his own life, pretty much right in front of you
not being able to do anything to help your son
your baby....
well, has to be the most devestating thing in the world
and if it was indeed the psych drugs he was on
i can relate
sometimes i wish i never started taking them...
i mean, depression, anxiety, i just think you should be able to feel these things,
maybe we should hire coaches to help deal instead of masking it with psych drugs
i mean, it has been a while now,
but while my own doctors were figuring out what the hell was wrong with me
life is what is wrong with me
not having the right tools to deal with LIFE
i still believe that meds are horrible....
but i am so afraid to not be on them now...double edged sword

but anyway
not that long ago
the meds they gave me were not mixing
and a week into the cocktail....i found myself manic....
organizing clothes, except not...just putting things all over...and then just broke down,
kids fighting, my life spiraling, depression .....
i sat on my bathroom floor
wanting to end my life
while my kids were right in the living room
watching backyardigans...
no one knows why anything happens
so for all of you talking about this poor kid..
stop


you have no idea what goes on in peoples lives
the person in the cube next to you at work may have just picked herself up off the floor and hides behind a smile
or that guy serving you your cheese at the deli, may have just lost his mom or the girl sitting on the bus next to you may have just gotten her ass beat while her daughter watched before she went to school..
my point is, just cause someone is smiling on the outside, doesnt mean they are inside
i have judged people my whole life,
it is easy to point out others faults so you dont have to look at your own...
until recently
i have discovered
that no one deserves to be judged or talked about
it really saddens me that a 24 year old kid took his own life, no matter what his family life was
or whatever...
he is dead
say hi to a stranger
hug the ones you love
tell them you love them
smiling may just brighten someones day...
change their attitude..
keep them from hitting the bathroom floor...

Lily's cake at Grama mame's

Grama Mame had cake and ice cream for Lily....

Can you even believe the size of Josh...

and his voice has changed too...

abby said, "Mom, wait til you talk to Josh, he is like a man!!!"

and i am 6'1

pics from lilys party

here are the photos i promised...
lily had the best time...mom....not so much
if i ever attempt to take this on myself again...someone just mention may 16th
this is lily and her loot...

we then played games,

hot potato casuse the scavenger hun was vetoed by the rain

i made everyone make a t shirt

had lilys picture on the fron that said

LILYS BIRTHDAY BASH

and then they colored, signed, and put there name on it..

that way, i could keep track...


this is the crew...mark, maggie, abby, tyler, chris, steven, ben, maggie, allison

they were like the starter crew, cause the rest came later

lily's cake...she wanted it...lol

this my friends is katie...

this is lily's BFF

since pre school..

and if you think lily is bossy, katie is lil X 50!!!!!!!!!!!

so funny!!

the rain stopped long enough for the egg race....

after this was the part where i made dinner...

lol

i fed everyone and then put more hotdogs ont he grill

apparently they dont take that long when the grill is hot

lmao

um yeah, no one had seconds

burger kings flame broiled had nothing on these dogs...

they looked like little peices of black chalk..

cut me a break here people

i was solo...feeding like 17 kids

drinks, napkins, ketchup, more drinks

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

just thinking of it makes me need adavant

lol

happy birthday to you...

make your own sundae!!

i mean how cute are they....lol

these are lily's boys, they also met in pre school...

chris and mark

ok and here is the slumber crew!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...they were so amped!!!

that was the last picture of the evening...

no one slept,

everyone was hungry for snacks at different times

not one of them wanted to watch the same movie

or lay in the same spot

and there were tears and fights over who would lay nest to lil

so finally at one

i made everyone stand against the living room wall....

lmao

like freakin boot camp

and i laid there blankets down,

put i carly on

and lights out

i fell asleep sitting up on the couch!!

then i hear a little voice and feel this little cold finger...

miss jen...'

we are up

i am like, ok

my eyes literally were still closed like ten minutes into the morning bathroom trip..

i am pretty sure i fell back to sleep on the toilet

so i showered real quick and made breakfast..

of course

everyone gave me their order...lmao

like i am a fucking short order cook

Um no ladies, we are having scrambled eggs and bacon and toast

your parents will be here soon

if you dont want it, you can eat at home..

christ

here they are eating breakfst...

and here she is

officially 7

my lily bum

she loved every minute of it..from the cleaning, shopping preparation..to the end..

look at her..

lily bum bum

here are the pictures i promised...

lily's first birthday bash/slumber party

i am gonna post pictures later...i have to find the cord for my camera...and wait til you see them
lol
what a day
this was my shirt
i made t shirts for lilys friends...they said lily's 7th birthday bash...
then they all signed them and had their names on them...I had twin boys,
i figured it would be the only way i could keep track of the names..
so it began...at 3:30
we had,
maggie 1..she lives down the street
megan, she lives next door
chris and steven, the twins,
maggie
katie
mark
tyler
abigail
ben
savhanna
paige
emily
lily
abby
allison...
i may be forgetting someone...
but anyway...as they trickled in, the fun began...lmao


we played hot potatoe
to the beatles..
kids ..
tyler turned to me and said, even if i lose, i still get a prize right...
and they all needed something every second they were here
shit got real hectic when after the hot dog and french fry lunch
and in between clean up and cake
ben had a melt down when mark and stephen got into a real heated discussion about the woodland hills redistricting
lmao
ben is autistic
and is VERY sensitive
remember when rainman got really upset and started screaming
yes
that went down in the dining room
he just kept repeating,
this is just not going to work
this is just not going to work
and started crying
lily and katie actually know how to settle him
i was amazed...he doesnt make eye contact with anyone ...but lil and kate
so freaking cute


so..we did hot potatoe and egg races...lol
the rain ruined my scavenger hunt
i did pictures of clues...like a picture of the flowers..but i cut them up and they had to put them together..then figure out where to go
RAIN
dam rain...so that was out
they liked just playing and i was acutally sad the boys left
lol
they got into jared and collins room, found all the guns and were in there glory

and this is where i am at now...




we have switched rooms 85 times,
there has been actual tears shed...
fights over who is going to sleep next to lily
why wont she sleep by me
i am hungry
i am thirsty
i don t to watch this movie...
so ...i let them kind of go for a while...i had kate and the two maggies, lily, abby, emily..all of them
all set up and one by one
they go upstairs
then they need another drink
another snack
then another fight
more blankets


so finally
LIGHTS OUT
we are all in the living room
good night
i am over it
lol
i love that she is happy,
althought i had to deal with the lily drama of
"THIS IS THE WORST PARTY EVER"
and then two minutes later...she loves me and everything ...
lol


happy birthday lil
first and last slumber party



ha ha


pics to come...
i think someone is whisper fighting

my baby is seven...

lily turned 7
she wanted her hair cut off...short
so we did girls night tonight





here she is








i cant even handle this one...i mean...how old is she 17 or 7?



she loves it




my sweet lily....
she is my little princess
and is getting older...
i actually had to walk out of the salon for a second..
got teary today
i want to freeze them right now,....all of them
or jar their giggles
and save their "i love you mom" s in a box
life...
what a trip