just me...still finding me

i love you mom

2010-08-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

sometimes...i get overwhelmed..shocking i know
but today...i just thought about joshua all day.
for those of you that don't know me, Josh is my 16 year old son that has been with my mother and raised with so much love since he was 18 months old
somedays ... most days i failed him as a parent
over and over
and days like today i am so overwhelmed with emotion for my mother who gave up so much for him
for me
i sit in tears for all that i miss and all that i gave him at the same time
how can i ever say thanks mom for raising my son
thank you for dad for showing him what man is
he is amazing..truly
so grown up and i am so proud of him
and i will forever be in debt to my mother for all the love and devotion she has given this boy
while it hurts me, and i am sure him too, all the time i wasnt there i hope that in the future he will always know that i love him
and her
i love my mother on such a different level and i dont tell her that enough
days go by without seeing her
and that should not happen
i love you mom so much
i know we never had that close of a relationship but know that you are the most spectacular mother, friend, PERSON on this earth.
and i will never be able to thank you in a million years for what you have done, given josh
i love you

crazy bitch

2010-07-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

i know all of you were dying for me to post...
the crazy girl..who is manic and loves to start shit
yeah
i dont do much these days..
work and hang out
in love with my life
my kids
my love..
i found someone that has shown me that it is ok to be me
who knows all of my life story
who i dont have to put on a show for
who adores me...jennifer
and shows it
helps me
he is amazing
we are all pretty happy these days..
i love it

i finally know what happy is..
inside of me
and outside of me
i am learning that communication is key
and that i dont have to hide feelings...

blah blah blah
today is abby and jared party...
gotta run

journal it

2010-06-01T08:45:00.001-07:00

everything from now on in my life will be noted..
i vent on here
i journal everything..
you never know when you will have to look back and have to know what happened on what day
;)

go..be great...

2010-06-01T05:09:00.000-07:00

well..its tuesday..
im waiting to take collin to the doctor..
and i feel amazing..
what an idiot i am for him
and for what?
to be humilitated
put down
belittled
no more
you are no longer a part of my life
when i call it will be for the kids only
swear...
hope everyones tuesday is a success
a good friend, and i miss him dearly, used to say this to me all the time...
go
be great...

im on my way!!

2010-05-31T10:09:00.001-07:00

so funny
im over this bullshit
i have one focus in my life..
my kids
everything and everyone else..
go fuck yourself

im ok

2010-05-31T01:52:00.000-07:00

lol...i cant sleep..
i had to blogg..
i am actually giddy right now
thank GOD for the decisions that he made this week..
i forgot about me for a second ..
the true me..who i really am
not who you think you know
who i let you know
toxic relationships make you a different person ...
ex's are ex's for a reason
wether it was me or him...its over
its been over for years
its hard to see someone else move on..god knows he did and now i know
and she truly is just like mike..
lol
someone to pass the time..till things get serious and you see who they really are
someone that makes you feel good..
but ..lol
they are not long term people...AT ALL
so ..whatever
i am ok
i am sad
i did not cry
and i will not
and there will never be an us again and i am ok with it
... i think...
lol

i sat and talked to my kids tonight..they have so much genuine love for me
we have such good days now..we get a long so well
and i feel so bad that for two days i was so wrapped up in all the stupid shit...
that i wasnt paying attention to them
it will never happen again
such an unconditional love is overwhelming..
so when you put everything into perspective..

nothing else AT ALL matters

i just wish i would breathe...take a step back and then react..
i just react..
although..i regret nothing about what i said to her..
to him..the family..a little..

so anyway
i am getting back on track..
i am fucking completely insane
lol

but i am glad i can get myself back together now
my kids ground me..
show me whats right
lol...
funny it should be the other way around..
i hope they know i love them..
i think they do
they do

there really must be something theraputic in the water at aunt kathy's pool
really..

its early in the am..i am ok..
everything is ok..
im back

game over

2010-05-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

i bitch about not having good friends..
i have two really good friends..
they tell me like it is
they listen and let me talk
and they tell me that its gonna hurt like a bitch
nothing is gonna dull it..it is the end of something
and i never thought in a million years that i would talk to them like i have today
thank you...
the end of something...hmmm.... never really had an end of anything..
deaths..
that's it..
everything in my life lingers..
so i have to end this "vicious cycle"
or you ended it..i ended it..u definately ended it this time..
oh well..its over right?

today i sat and watched my kids play in the pool
today i laughed
i miss them when they arent with me

and tonight is the last night i will shed a tear thinking of you
cause it hurts so much
im giving my self one night....to cry...tomorrow ill deal
and i geuss i was grasping at what i thought could have been and never was...
from the door we were fucked...
and by the wat..
you didnt have to say those things to me that night..
that weekend
cause you knew what you were doing...

cause while in the past month i have heard so much from you
no one will ever take my place
that you wanted me ...
just be my girlfriend..you asked me three times
and held me so close..
let me treat you like you should be treated
and then that cunt is laying in the same spot i was five days before
and you tell me there are no feelings for her
and yet you are at her sisters house right now...with her family.....lol

i am a fool for you at all the wrong times
i let you make me feel insecure AGAIN
and i told you today you wont hear from me again
and you wont

she is a replacement of me
she lives in my shadow
a distraction
...you said distraction

and no i am not going to stop posting this blog
i love it
it frees me
of my feelings of you
cause i know you read it..and well...one way or another you will realize one day that i am not the only crazy one..
you
i am an attention hog and a lot of worthy people read and give me good feedback
and sometime..no its not always good...
but it is something

im not crazy
i am a person with a lot of emotion
and feeling
and i just cannot believe that this is happening
but it is what it is..
you have compared this to me and mike
she is mike
lol
the only difference is that she hasnt been around the kids..
im sure she will be
but maybe not
we play tit for tat
the endless game of lets see who can hurt who the most
well you played well babe
you have come out ahead it looks like
you have a wonderful family
2 lovely sisters and
now
an amazing girlfriend..
you have it all
careful

i geuss i lost
you won

GAME OVER

let me go

2010-05-29T12:19:00.001-07:00

this used to be a place where i could vent
one of the only places is was accepted
and i guess now you have taken my freedom to type away too..
"defamation of character"
you say
lol
well is it defamation of character for you to sit with your friends and family call me a coke whore
or an unfit mother..
yell in my ear about how many children i gave birth to as to how many live with me
"thats character flaw jen..."
call me a nigger lover to your buddies
or tell me my mother and father dont love me
that i have NO ONE in my life that is real
that you will destroy me emotionally and in the public eye
is that defamation of character as well..
only difference is you say it
i type it
see .. i accept all my flaws..
i cannot let my self regret anymore or live in the shadows of the hurt i caused you or myself
and that kills you that i can just move on with my life
so now you think you can just hurt me..anytime you want
like you are soo innocent
but then.,..you are .. in your eyes...lol
you sit and chuckle at the crazy girl
lol
believe me i do to
and i sit and think about you.. passing judgement on me
careful
glass houses shatter very easy
see it is so easy to sit and point out my faults
rather than look at yourself in a magnified mirror
but now that you have pointed and laughed and sneered and tore me apart..
what is left for you to look at now?
who are you gonna talk about
who can you hurt next..
try this...
try looking at your own life ..the secret one that you think people don't know about
cause just as much as you have talked about me..you have been talked about
your secrets aren't so secret..
so here is a little suggestion
keep it to yourself..
leave me alone
stop hurting me
I'm not who i once was and for like an hour i let you bring me back there
wanting to get even
wanting to publicise your lies and your fake world....lol...
wanting to hurt anyone i could
but i guess knowing IS half the battle..cause i know enough...
i don't bother you
you call me
i don't want you
you want me
so leave me alone
walk away
don't pull me back there
i fight demons every day...EVERYDAY
i don't wanna fight you anymore..
i hurt you
and now i think we are even
i am done hurting
especially for things i cant take back
and i will never put myself in a position ..a vulnerable position with you again!!
please leave me alone
I'm letting go

where do i go

2010-05-27T09:56:00.001-07:00

why is it so hard for me to deal with hurt..
the first thing i think of is how to hurt back
get even
he talks to me like last week he wasnt telling me he loved me
like i never existed
like i am so bad
he told me i was the best
that no one else was me
that i was it

i want to move on
i want to be free of you
so let me go

maybe i should be telling myself to not go back
to fall into all your shit
i sit here and feel gutted
so lost
so hurt

i dont know what to do
i dont have anyone

see you taunty...

2010-01-31T16:01:00.001-08:00

i will always remember how her house smelled..

always remember that she taught me how to wipe the nail polish from around the tip of the jar every time you paint your nails...her house was immaculate..

i loved the way she laughed and the way she said my name..jenny

she was so sweet and she will be missed

dearly

she is now with her loves..marylin, uncle rich ...uncle rege and aunt helen, uncle jack

she is at peace

love you taunt

miss you buddy

2010-01-27T07:52:00.001-08:00

i miss my friend
real friend
i miss my self at ttimes..who i used to be
i am happy some days..most days
and there are other days that i wanna run and hide
thats normal
but i miss my best friend...
i wasnt a good friend
you did so much for me
just know you were and are really appreciated
i hope one day we will be back together
i hate that we broke up

anyone out there?

2009-07-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

does anyone still read this thing?
should i even post pictures anymore?

fallen soldier

2009-06-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

look close....

yep
that would be it
the fallen soldier...
look at uncle lenny
all discouraged...
lmao

i over threw the ball back to uncle teddy
just a softball disgrace...
just know team, that i really tried hard to get that ball

i will never live that down

MVP

2009-06-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

yep that is me....made it to second on one hit
what you dont see
is my chest as i am gasping for air
and my leg shaking from my muscles asking me what the fuck i am doing
running like that...

i mean..i had to post this today...late because every muscle in my freaking body hurts
we had a family softball game yesterday
and i thought...going in..
that i was pretty atheltic...lmao
i mean, when i think of sports, i think how i used to just go ahead and run...
walk,
play field hockey
run
ha haha
but i did not think about the last time i did those things

I WAS SIXTEEN

that was close to twenty years
so
keep that in mind as you read

so we were up to bat first...
did ok
then we take the field..i figure..i will take the outfield..
safe
ha ha
well, phillip dininno made a huge pop up fly ball lands behind me and i run to the fence to get it
i am feeling good
everyone yelling
ball in mit
go to run and throw and

BAM

fell right on my face
help up
like a dog chasing a ball but it tied to a leash...lmao
my shoe lace got caught on the little loop on the bottom of the fence
yeah
FLAT on my face

all i hear is throw the ball
hes runnin home
throw the ball jen

said ball was like three inches out of my reach at this point cause it dropped when my face hit the ground
then i hear my teammate ashley

HER FOOT IS CAUGHT IN THE FENCE!!!!

lol

and i am yelling...stop him from running...not fair
i am caught

ha ha

ms athlete of the year

i think i got MVP for that game

ha ha

good time tho
thanks everyone

and just a little fyi
i am practicing...
so any blue teamates wanna run some bases...we can do this
and one more thing....
i am bedazzling the shit out of my shirt

new kids...09..PITTSBURGH

2009-06-12T00:06:00.000-07:00

for some reason, i cannot get these in order...maybe cause it is like 3 in the am..and i am still spinning from the concert....i will fix it tomorrow...maybe....probably not...lmao...

here we are at the show...the girls had shirts that say, i love nkotb on the front and just like my mommy on the back...mine was the same on the front and on the back of mine it said just like my kids.......

for some reason, i will have to have pictures to follow....

we had SUCH a good time...they loved it

lily and abby on either side of me, holding my arms....standing on the seats...dancing and singing the right stuff.....summertime...

lmao

who would have ever thought that we would be taking our kids to the new kids concert....

i loved it...so did they....

lily said to me...mom...

i think i am going to dream about the new kids tonight...

lmao

you and me both kid....

so fun

the bathroom floor

2009-06-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

ok, i have been discussing this for a while with people
the whole jon and kate thing
i havent watched this season yet
i am however a follower of jon and kate from the beginning...
i would totally sell my story, install cameras and exploit my kids to be debt free...lmao
but for real, it was getting out of control
her barking, him dopey, her makeovers, his hair implants.... and her hair cut...they were killing me
and then all the hoopla about who jon was screwing over the summer really, i believed, was all for ratings
so i wasnt gonna watch
until now
nothing on, i watched the rerun of the first episode and balled..
i saw me
us
at that birthday party..
when they were so awkward...
they couldnt even look at each other
that hurt
being "civil" for the sake of the guests...
i have been in kates shoes, in jons shoes..
my kids
there kids
at the end of the day, they made the decision they did for the show, but to see them, that raw, just
hurt really hit home
we all make our decisions as jon says...
yes
but EVERYONE pays for them
we may not realize how much it hurts til you sit and see yourself and your family in someone's on tv
as i still sit and look at kate, with her nails done and thin
i see her trying to feel good...
just like when gram said to me... along time ago...
try some lipstick jen, it will make you feel better,
when you look better, you feel better
and in some cases, true...but when you look in the mirror or lay in bed or are alone in the car....
you know whats underneath..the hurt
when you feel totally inadequate..self esteem shot....
holding on ....
until you fuck everything up....
let go...she didnt
i did

just like today...
the tradgedy of bobby tomer
everyone is buzzing...
and everyone loves to talk
about how they knew him
what connection they had
what he did
that he was a drug addict
what the fuck does that matter now?
he is dead
and that his life got to be too much to take
he gave in, gave up
i did not know bobby
i knew of him, i know his family
and as a mother
for your child to take his own life, pretty much right in front of you
not being able to do anything to help your son
your baby....
well, has to be the most devestating thing in the world
and if it was indeed the psych drugs he was on
i can relate
sometimes i wish i never started taking them...
i mean, depression, anxiety, i just think you should be able to feel these things,
maybe we should hire coaches to help deal instead of masking it with psych drugs
i mean, it has been a while now,
but while my own doctors were figuring out what the hell was wrong with me
life is what is wrong with me
not having the right tools to deal with LIFE
i still believe that meds are horrible....
but i am so afraid to not be on them now...double edged sword

but anyway
not that long ago
the meds they gave me were not mixing
and a week into the cocktail....i found myself manic....
organizing clothes, except not...just putting things all over...and then just broke down,
kids fighting, my life spiraling, depression .....
i sat on my bathroom floor
wanting to end my life
while my kids were right in the living room
watching backyardigans...
no one knows why anything happens
so for all of you talking about this poor kid..
stop

you have no idea what goes on in peoples lives
the person in the cube next to you at work may have just picked herself up off the floor and hides behind a smile
or that guy serving you your cheese at the deli, may have just lost his mom or the girl sitting on the bus next to you may have just gotten her ass beat while her daughter watched before she went to school..
my point is, just cause someone is smiling on the outside, doesnt mean they are inside
i have judged people my whole life,
it is easy to point out others faults so you dont have to look at your own...
until recently
i have discovered
that no one deserves to be judged or talked about
it really saddens me that a 24 year old kid took his own life, no matter what his family life was
or whatever...
he is dead
say hi to a stranger
hug the ones you love
tell them you love them
smiling may just brighten someones day...
change their attitude..
keep them from hitting the bathroom floor...

Lily's cake at Grama mame's

2009-05-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

Grama Mame had cake and ice cream for Lily....

Can you even believe the size of Josh...

and his voice has changed too...

abby said, "Mom, wait til you talk to Josh, he is like a man!!!"

and i am 6'1

pics from lilys party

2009-05-17T20:43:00.001-07:00

here are the photos i promised...
lily had the best time...mom....not so much
if i ever attempt to take this on myself again...someone just mention may 16th
this is lily and her loot...

we then played games,

hot potato casuse the scavenger hun was vetoed by the rain

i made everyone make a t shirt

had lilys picture on the fron that said

LILYS BIRTHDAY BASH

and then they colored, signed, and put there name on it..

that way, i could keep track...

this is the crew...mark, maggie, abby, tyler, chris, steven, ben, maggie, allison

they were like the starter crew, cause the rest came later

lily's cake...she wanted it...lol

this my friends is katie...

this is lily's BFF

since pre school..

and if you think lily is bossy, katie is lil X 50!!!!!!!!!!!

so funny!!

the rain stopped long enough for the egg race....

after this was the part where i made dinner...

lol

i fed everyone and then put more hotdogs ont he grill

apparently they dont take that long when the grill is hot

lmao

um yeah, no one had seconds

burger kings flame broiled had nothing on these dogs...

they looked like little peices of black chalk..

cut me a break here people

i was solo...feeding like 17 kids

drinks, napkins, ketchup, more drinks

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

just thinking of it makes me need adavant

lol

happy birthday to you...

make your own sundae!!

i mean how cute are they....lol

these are lily's boys, they also met in pre school...

chris and mark

ok and here is the slumber crew!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...they were so amped!!!

that was the last picture of the evening...

no one slept,

everyone was hungry for snacks at different times

not one of them wanted to watch the same movie

or lay in the same spot

and there were tears and fights over who would lay nest to lil

so finally at one

i made everyone stand against the living room wall....

lmao

like freakin boot camp

and i laid there blankets down,

put i carly on

and lights out

i fell asleep sitting up on the couch!!

then i hear a little voice and feel this little cold finger...

miss jen...'

we are up

i am like, ok

my eyes literally were still closed like ten minutes into the morning bathroom trip..

i am pretty sure i fell back to sleep on the toilet

so i showered real quick and made breakfast..

of course

everyone gave me their order...lmao

like i am a fucking short order cook

Um no ladies, we are having scrambled eggs and bacon and toast

your parents will be here soon

if you dont want it, you can eat at home..

christ

here they are eating breakfst...

and here she is

officially 7

my lily bum

she loved every minute of it..from the cleaning, shopping preparation..to the end..

look at her..

lily bum bum

here are the pictures i promised...

lily's first birthday bash/slumber party

2009-05-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

i am gonna post pictures later...i have to find the cord for my camera...and wait til you see them
lol
what a day
this was my shirt
i made t shirts for lilys friends...they said lily's 7th birthday bash...
then they all signed them and had their names on them...I had twin boys,
i figured it would be the only way i could keep track of the names..
so it began...at 3:30
we had,
maggie 1..she lives down the street
megan, she lives next door
chris and steven, the twins,
maggie
katie
mark
tyler
abigail
ben
savhanna
paige
emily
lily
abby
allison...
i may be forgetting someone...
but anyway...as they trickled in, the fun began...lmao

we played hot potatoe
to the beatles..
kids ..
tyler turned to me and said, even if i lose, i still get a prize right...
and they all needed something every second they were here
shit got real hectic when after the hot dog and french fry lunch
and in between clean up and cake
ben had a melt down when mark and stephen got into a real heated discussion about the woodland hills redistricting
lmao
ben is autistic
and is VERY sensitive
remember when rainman got really upset and started screaming
yes
that went down in the dining room
he just kept repeating,
this is just not going to work
this is just not going to work
and started crying
lily and katie actually know how to settle him
i was amazed...he doesnt make eye contact with anyone ...but lil and kate
so freaking cute

so..we did hot potatoe and egg races...lol
the rain ruined my scavenger hunt
i did pictures of clues...like a picture of the flowers..but i cut them up and they had to put them together..then figure out where to go
RAIN
dam rain...so that was out
they liked just playing and i was acutally sad the boys left
lol
they got into jared and collins room, found all the guns and were in there glory

and this is where i am at now...

we have switched rooms 85 times,
there has been actual tears shed...
fights over who is going to sleep next to lily
why wont she sleep by me
i am hungry
i am thirsty
i don t to watch this movie...
so ...i let them kind of go for a while...i had kate and the two maggies, lily, abby, emily..all of them
all set up and one by one
they go upstairs
then they need another drink
another snack
then another fight
more blankets

so finally
LIGHTS OUT
we are all in the living room
good night
i am over it
lol
i love that she is happy,
althought i had to deal with the lily drama of
"THIS IS THE WORST PARTY EVER"
and then two minutes later...she loves me and everything ...
lol

happy birthday lil
first and last slumber party

ha ha

pics to come...
i think someone is whisper fighting

my baby is seven...

2009-05-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

lily turned 7
she wanted her hair cut off...short
so we did girls night tonight

here she is

i cant even handle this one...i mean...how old is she 17 or 7?

she loves it

my sweet lily....
she is my little princess
and is getting older...
i actually had to walk out of the salon for a second..
got teary today
i want to freeze them right now,....all of them
or jar their giggles
and save their "i love you mom" s in a box
life...
what a trip

please

2009-04-21T08:55:00.001-07:00

JUST STOP..................

please...

tom

2009-04-14T12:48:00.001-07:00

today was a real hard day
i watched my husband...(yes, legally we are married)
bury his best friend...
slowly over the years, all of us at one time or another have tried to help
tried to show him we were there
tried to hold him
let him cry
let him hurt
he has struggled with a heavy addiction
a disease i know well
feeling alone, even when people are all around you
wanting out ....even when you cannot fight
i dont believe that tom did this on purpose
i believe is was totally .... well, i geuss it is one in the same
putting the drugs in your body does slowly kill you
as i walked into that funeral home, seeing him laying there actually weakened my knees...
i never felt what i did
i cried...

i wasnt toms best friend

i didnt grow up with him

but he was a part of my life...

he was always a shoulder

and i was glad to be his

i wish i would have never let him go that day..

let him cry on my shoulder

felt him shake as he held me so tight

tom was and is a good person that got caught up in a horrible disease

he is loved

he is, was and will be missed

he doesnt have to fight now

he is truly in the arms of angels

i hope no one ever feels the addiction, the loneliness, the hopelessness of the disease

i am glad i got out and found my own strength to overcome a demon,

i have many...

one day

everything will come together....

i am working on it!

i am a bitch

2009-04-06T16:28:00.001-07:00

i love me some new kids...
lol
i just found twitter
so now as i work...i find other shit i can neb shit in
twitter
so i found donnie wahlberg
on twitter
lol
so maybe he will wanna meet me
and fall in love and
OK ENOUGH

i know
anyway
just thought i would put a blog out there just to let my wonderful family
barely hear from anyone anymore
i forget what my nephews look like
billy?
oh yeah...he is my brother
but we are all family
rememebr two years ago when we were all so close
my cirsis
my rehab
we were all gonna be there for each other
seems i always wonder what everyone is doing and i know i am at fault too
i mean does anyone know where i actually work or what the hell i am actually doing?
and i always wonder why my mother keeps in touch so much with my brother and his wife
why i always have to be the one to call or email
but oh well...
just venting
lol
actually...i like my life like this....distant and away ....i like it better that no one asks me a freaking thousand questions everyday...
i am a bitch today
just feel like bitchin

bye tom...

2009-03-25T13:50:00.001-07:00

well..
the call came yesterday
i geuss everyone knew it was for years, just when it comes
its sad
dj's life long friend tom
tom died yesterday of an accidental overdose
he was found in his house
apparently there is no service
dont know how a family can have someone die and not say goodbye
it is sad
still
even though i knew it would come
to feel alone
to turn to drugs
but
he is in a better place now
no pain
peace

i couldnt see him, i couldnt find him, but in his eyes, through his tears, i saw his beautiful soul..
that is from me...to him...the last time i saw him...

catching up with old friends...............

2009-03-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

just look at this
i mean really
again
i love this shit

read on

ok...talk about a crazy weekend
was totally messed up with a migraine this weekend
but soldiered up for this

yes ladies and gents
a night with the new kids
erie, pa

and thanks to a facebook message from angelo madonna to call dan vok...that it was very important
i was again front and center for a new kids concert
well, front and center on the back stage.........

i mean....donnie IS looking at me here

i am pretty sure he remembered who i was from the dc show
i was the only female towering over the little people
i love my height when i am at a new kids concert

jordan....nice to see you again....

and danny.....looking good

danny has apparently been working out a little more
i mean check the blog from oct
the arms werent this big and he looks REALLY good in person

yes....me....post migraine and LOVING the new kids..
i mean the only thing that could have made this night a little more perfect was deb....my partner
but thanks to sue
aka....babysitting gramma

who insists on going to these far off lands...i mean who vacations in VIETNAM

ok

sue does...but deb IS eight months prego and well....if she would have birthed at the concert then i would have missed this..............and well..wait
i bet deb that if we get you to birth at a new kids show..
you will DEFINATELY get jons attention...........and we can hang and have pics
sorry
sorry
i tend to drift off
i will be like this for the next couple of days.....
its like new kids mania
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

now before you see the below photo...i gotta give you the story
donnie was talking to everyone....and my god..i have to get the video uploaded
AND I WILL
but anywhooooooooooo
donnie asked for my friends hat...
yep
i thought for sure he wanted me on the stage
like waving his finger like jonny did to baby in dirty dancing...i was totally lost and in love for 2.3 seconds
and then as i tried to get through...like hello ladies...
he said come on...i realized he was asking for the hat
anyway
-i do have this all on video.........
it will be up soon..
i just cant remember how i got the girls on
anyway
donnie took the hat, put it on joes head and then jow took it off and gave it back to donnie and then he threw it back into my hands and back onto her head
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this was right after it...
on the video you can actually see him laugh with me...shrug and
LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
he totally remembered me

anyway
heres to you my five favorite men of all time
you brought another night of happiness into my life

i got to see old friends and meet some new ones too...
what a show
what a night
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

thanks dan vok
hearing from an old friend
out of the blue
was awesome
and what makes it better is that he really thought of me before putting them on ebay
well
you owed me anyway
from the time you told dom you knew....
we are now even

my girls are gonna be famous

2009-03-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

my kids wanna be famous...
lil and ab wanna be on i carly
so i am sending this video..
lily wrote it

enjoy!

im done with you

2009-03-04T21:53:00.001-08:00

i sit here wondering....
why do i let it happen
why do i fall for all this bullshit
why cant i just walk away
is it the guilt that i keep putting up with the abuse
the hurt
please
who has these answers for me
just when i think that all is ok...that things are going my way
that i am finally going to be head above water
i get a punch in the gut

i have been in my house now for two weeks
appreciating all that i have somewhat let go..not paid very much attention to
like the laughter of my kids
walking with collin and enjoying a cup of hot chocolate with him while he tells me his "funny" story
laughing with abby cause she had two different shoes on for mixed matched day
listening to jared finally open up to me about his life...just his 9 year old life
lily....telling me how she knows everything in school...shes bored...lmao

i did took these things for granted..and it is nights like this that i fall asleep and wake to find out these crazy people....
people that just dont wanna see me happy
these people that leave me the most ridiculous messages in my email, myspace and facebook..
trying to set me up .... make me feel stupid

i am not that stupid and actually, i am pretty smart...

i am tired people...
i am tired of living in this shadow..
shadow of guilt

see it is pretty easy to get me,
cause when i catch you hurting me....it is pretty easy to flip the script..
turn it around
make me feel guilty
so there is no other choice other than to cut you out
totally
no more
i refuse to hurt anymore
i have spent so much of my life trying to make up
for insecurites,
hurt
burden
i am not a bad person
i made alot of bad coices
i do not deserve to live like this anymore
my kids are so happy that i am happy
so please ...dont call me
dont txt me
dont message me
dont send me emails

let my kids be happy with the mom they deserve
i will not answer anymore negative comments, emails, phone calls

NONE

and if you keep it up...i will file charges

i am 33 years old...i am not a junior in high school
im done with you

crazy bitch

2009-03-02T20:07:00.001-08:00

ok
so everyone knows how i stay in my head....ALOT
i over think everything
but last week, i literally went crazy
i was a guinnea pig for anti depressants and mood stabilizers and really thought about ending my life....
yeah
for real
the meds did not mix well and actually made the depression worse
so any of you that got a taste of that...sorry cause on top of the meds i was still dealing with everything else..
no
i didnt tell anyone, my therapist, no one else
she helped me through
took me off the depakote...
apparently, i am not bi polar enough to need that
so just lexapro for now...
i feel wonderful
seems it takes tragedy to show you happiness
the meds, the new job....
this has been the best four days of my life i think
i got a start date for work
i am going to be making more money than i ever did in my life and be able to retire a county worker!!!
relief to be able to stand on my own
i will be able to pay back EVEYONE i owe money too..
uncle tom , you are first on the list!!!
i feel like i just woke up
medication is wonderful..i geuss that is what it is
and after months of wondering where i was, where i was going...
i know now
i have been really messed up for a lot of years
i cant blame anyone anymore...i mean a lot of you dont have any idea what i endured early on in life...early on in my dating life..
wanted to be accepted and the shit i dealt with..well...
lets just say i have forgiven all that hurt me and i hope one day i will be forgiven by those i hurt
i have to let go..i have said it before..that i am, but i havent
i am trying
to let go of the shit i did..
and some day i will be free of it...
but for now,
i am focusing on me!!!
me and my kids, watching them laugh...
and as for all of you that are trying to hold me back
by talking about me
saying hurtful things...
fuck you

anyway
i am over it
i like where i am today
just seems like everytime that i start to feel ok, someone has to try to knock me down
write it down, get it out of my head and move on
done...
thanks for letting me get rid of it
later

just rambling

2009-02-27T01:21:00.001-08:00

i cant sleep
i hate when my kids arent here
i hate that he has all the cool stuff and lets them do whatever the hell they want
he is the cool parent
and i hate that i fucked my marriage up
i hate that my life got so out of control
i hate all the mistakes i have made in my life
all the hurt i have caused others
and now myself
i have so much going on in my head i am wondering of all these meds are ok
or if they are making me manic
they said it could happen
i seem to not be able to focus
i am all over the map
emotionally too
i did decide today to let dj go
in my head
emotionally free myself of him
i have been trying to make things right
but in all reality
we dont work
as friends or otherwise
we dont like each other
and while i thought i could be the one to save my family
like he did many times before
and i turned him down
hurt him
its too late
there is so much damage done
and i need to get myself right
i left one bad relationship and found another
i finally got the ok that i got the job in ths section 8 offices...
but the process is long
i interviewed, tested, drug tested, background checked...all of which passed to all of you that may be doubting me...lol
and they hired me part time
but it is general
i still have to interview in the actual office to see when i start
its weird
i dont know if any of you ever worked for a government or state office...but it is a long process ..
LET ME WORK ALREADY
i shouldnt bitch....thanks alin for getting me in

anyway
just thought id let you all know whats going on
nothing exciting
collins birthday party is coming up
i cant wait
til next time....

friends....how many of us have them

2009-02-25T07:13:00.000-08:00

so
have you missed me?
lots have happened
one
mike is gone
yeah
i feel like a fool...
i got got...you know what i am saying
i feel like a fool
i broke it off with him earlier in the month and then found lots out...
lol
but i was already done anyway
so finding out i was the other woman...
well
still stings a little
especially because i stuck up for him
believed in him
ah ha
jokes on me

karma is a bitch
then the following week
that would be this week
get the info that a very close friend has been creeping around, telling lies and "spending time" with someone...i am not even gonna explain who that person is
but isnt there some kind of friend rule
like a girl code that says not to sleep with your best friends ex
or tell you that she will be right back and then go spend the night at his house
or set you up
or talk to you while sitting on his couch .... while i am crying about my life...my "friend"is spending time with him...letting him listen
fifteen years i have known this person
this woman
i have actually held her for days while she cried
watched this girl get the shit beat out of her by men
she lived in my house...and well now finding ....never mind
and they are JUST FRIENDS
i was at her house a few weeks ago and noticed a pair of his socks by her bed...lol
never thought about it
just assumed that they were from my house...a pair that i had
no
i am just that stupid
but wow
this is movie shit
like shit you watch and say ....wow thats fucked up
what kind of friend does this

i mean i know that i may deserve this
to be made a fool of
so i geuss jokes is on me......let me hurt

have you ever read the book he's just not that into you?
lol
read that chapter
it is almost impossible for these two to be just friends
but i am not gonna say anymore
and it will make you laugh

i have done a lot of hurting in my life
given and recieved
and i geuss now i am paying...i mean i dont know
and karma is a mother fucker.....
thank god for therapists and lexapro and the list of meds i am on
or i may have handled things differently
i am changing for the better by the day and maybe this is God's way of showing me who is important in my life and who isn't
get rid of the garbage...
i will come out on top
no more whoe is me
i will cry....a good cry and then pack it away...
this all helps to build a stronger jen
lol
and while the thought of these two together makes my physically sick...
these two deserve each other...

it's official...

2009-01-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

toothless...
the tooth fairy is comin tonight.....

happy new year

2009-01-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

happy new year every one
as i packed away all the christmas decorations until next year
i was a little sad
they will be another year older
another year closer to not believing in santa
they are so fun right now and even though i sometimes wonder if lily was really put on this earth to test my patience...
i do not want them to get any older
please
but then i was also thinking...
i love the first of the year cause i feel like i have a clean slate...
it makes me feel refreshed...a new start
lets all start off on the right foot...
i feel positive about the changes i am making in my life..
i have not smoked in 5 days
i have drank eight glasses of water every day
and i swear after looking at pictures of me and mike during the penn state game
i will completely cut out pepsi again and cut back on the junk food
i am trying to keep up with positive decisions i made for the new year
not anything grand...just enough for me
so that i can reach the goals and then i will set them a little higher each month
i hope you all have a wonderful new year!
love you

be kind

2008-12-23T20:31:00.000-08:00

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet
is fighting some kind of battle."

this was an email that i received, from dj's grama b, she passed away this morning....
i hadn't checked it in a while..
seeing this
well
maybe we should all take these words to heart...

just a sneak peek

2008-12-23T07:19:00.001-08:00

this is after we decorated the tree....my helpers...
jared dissed us for jeremy....he only put one ornament on ...

the kids.....so cute...

charlie brown ..... huh?

collin got to do the star this year

baking at grama mames..

just thought you would enjoy a few photos since you havent seen us in a while!!

happy holidays

2008-12-22T15:53:00.000-08:00

i was on a break
lol
from all of you negative people
now we are all sitting together
face to face
this whole week
eating, laughing
it is such a shame that it is all fake

not for me
i love all of you
i love to laugh
but it is times like these
little moments of surfing the net
you never know what you will find

who is talking about you now
lol
fuck off

anyway
i love my life right now
christmas has approached us so fast
i do regret that i could barely afford to buy for my kids,
so if any of you are expecting a gift...sorry...
i am
i feel really bad
i know all of you that spend tons of money on my kids at christmas
i just started working and well....
i had to get my kids their santa stuff..

i dont even wanna get into that
and by the way
my coach bags are fake....

in a few days we will be up at the crack of dawn opening gifts...
and all everyone is worried about is where my kids will be opening
and which house the gifts will reside..
does this really matter
i wish that all of you would just look at things in the big picture
these are my kids memories...
i am trying to make them happy ones
i am trying
so if we open presents at djs on christmas..all together
or if we do it here..
i am doing this for my kids
not for me
they are christmas..
not you
and your selfish thoughts...negative comments
whatever
in the grand scheme of things..
this is a tiny speck of my lifeline....theirs too..
so if i dont make the right decision on the gift opening
it is not the end of the world

so please
enjoy every moment
cause this life of ours is very short..
in a few years, they wont believe in santa...
they will not wanna sleep with me
and they will not want me calling them boopy anymore...
and it breaks my heart
to even think of it

i just love the feeling right now
that i have
i love them
i love all of you
no matter what you may think of me

merry christmas everyone!!!
happy holidays and happy new year!!!

see ya next year

happy birthday logan and zachary.......

2008-11-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

i love my nephews

Logan just made my night!!

(well

bens hugs....hello and goodbye.... actually made my night....but that is a whole other blog.......LMAO

god does he have the most wonderful....huge...strong arms...........wow!!!!

kelly is a lucky, lucky girl...ok enough with my ben crush...........AAAAAAAAH HHHHHA Ha)

he was so snuggly and cuddly with me

i loved it

Zachary and Collin are just too cute

the best friends that they are...

i love it...

unfortunately...

my camera has to be plugged in all the time now

no charge to be had on this kodak...

i am so pissed

anyway

my point is that most of the pictures are like from the side...

lol

wherever i could find an outlet

the kids waiting patiently for a peice of cake...

the are some cute kids

happy birthday ( early )

zachary and logan!

i love you

have a wonderful thanksgiving!

2008-11-26T07:10:00.000-08:00

today i am sad
i said goodbye to my kids this morning knowing that this is the first year we are not all together as a family
they had lots of questions last night
why am i not coming to grama shells
why cant i stay at daddys house and watch the parade with them
and i cried my eyes out this morning
i was huggin collin,
he said mom
you can let me go now
i said no collin
i cant
lol
i fought back tears!!!lol
watching him get into the car with his jaguar
holding him tight...ughhhhhh
told them to call me for the parade and to save me some pumpkin roll from grams...
this is such a mixed emotions day
you know
all that me and dj went through,
we were always together on the holidays
this is the first year that we are not
and i am just
well
sad
as aggrevating as it is to travel with kids on thanksgiving
to all the families and firends
well
i am just really bummed
so i decided to sit and make a list of things that i am thankful for
pshcotropics!!! ha ha
my kids....
my mother and father
most of my family
that i am healthy...for the most part
that my gram is still here for another thanksgiving
my beautiful nephews, when i see their little faces, i light up
i have a roof over my head
i have heat and food and water
i am thankful for rick and joe
and i am thankful that for the most part, i am content...
i dont think i have ever said that
i am content in my life
things could be better, but they can always be way worse...so
i am happy i am where i am
i am thankful that i met mike
i fight him tooth and nail lately
looking for anything to push him away
and he is fighting for me
dealing with all my shit
things are good
i am thankful that i laugh everyday
with him, and my kids
and i am just pretty happy with my life..
things are looking up
so to all of you
happy thanksgiving...
thank you for being in my life

play dates....lol

2008-11-24T20:04:00.000-08:00

so today didn't end up so bad ..

i geuss

lol

mike came over tonight for dinner with his daughter

so the kids played together

lily has been waiting!!!!!

it was fun

they had a blast

and it has been a long time since i was hangin with an 18 month old child

very different!!!!!!

she is very sweet though...

jon michael is getting married...........

2008-11-24T07:38:00.000-08:00

so if any one you were wondering what mikes...(aka jon michael) fiance lookied like
this is them

he is so handsome! and looks pretty happy
congrats mike!

when i think about the weekend, i think of pot roast

2008-11-24T06:53:00.001-08:00

i have a funny for ya

to change it up a little

i was going through old cds...

or should i say unlabeled cd

photo cds

and i damn near pissed my self looking at the

GIRLS GONE MILD WEEKEND>>>>>>>>>>

i have a few fun photo captions to share

megan really did have joe jonas checkin her out...

listen....i dont care what jonas brother you are.....

your little cute ass is not pulling all THIS up there.....let me go

no jen..the harnesses dont get any tighter.........

is anyone else thinking of a pot roast........jesus christ...........LM AO could it be any tighter

i had bruises on my body for weeks after that

blood blisters..........

so funny

i loved that weekend..........

happy holidays

2008-11-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

i would love to know why you post anonymously
all of a sudden you have turned into a therapist...
i wasnt aware i was related to any doctors.......

and i would love to know who said i was doing cocaine
drinking
yes
coke
no
lol
i think it is hilarious
yes i know life throws shit at me
i know i may not deal with it well
but come on everyone
i geuss that is what you all must think of me

cocaine...
lol
wow

maybe i post these feelings the wrong way or maybe i really just do not know how to deal with "life"
but i have to laugh
i geuss i will always be labeled a drug addict to all of you
and i geuss that mask is hard to lose
i am not using drugs...
i can take a drug test for all of you if that is what you need
i have no problem doing that
lol
none

you know..........
i have the balls to post my feelings
it makes me feel better in a way
but i do it honestly and with my name on it
i own it
have the guts to own your bull shit comments, huh?
and so you know
lexapro is not the only medication i am on anymore
its not the meds
thanks for being concerned
and i am honest with my therapist
it is the only person that doesnt judge me...
she listens and recommends
without judgement
i wish you could do the same!
i erased the post i put on here earlier today
because i thought it was unfair to say mean things
but i am right
my feelings are right
so
my friends and family
you are not my doctor nor are you my therapist
NOR do you know what i am doing in my personal life
cause for one...you dont care to ask
you like to just talk shit
for two
you would rather assume than to know the facts!!!!!
and i am not gonna lie
your comments hurt
everyone in my life knows how much people talking about me bothers me
and i know who you are
i have voiced this to you personally!!!!!!!!
so please
just leave me the fuck alone
cause apparently you are being very nice to my face,
and talking shit behind my back
i am over all of you
that is why no one hears from me
i would rather stay in my own little world
cause for the most part
it is happier than i ever was trusting any of you
why the hell would anyone subject themselves to you
the critic
like you and your life is so perfect....lol
yeah
happy thanksgiving
i will not be attending any functions this week
besides my nephews birthday party
at least there i can laugh without worrying about who is saying what
and it sucks cause all of you know that it is this that bothers me the most
i wish that you could come to me
call me
stop by
talk to me
i geuss once again it is easier to send me little comments
anonymously
i fyou have something to say to me
fucking grow some balls...
SAY IT TO ME!
quit hiding behind this blog!

wow
i thought we were past this
so happy holidays everyone
ha ha ha
lol
happy holidays

crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2008-11-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

i am in a state of mass confusion
my life is in turmoil
everything seems to cave on me at once...
my face is breaking out into boil sized blemishes
the holidays are here...no longer approaching and i am just

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i dont know
i have all these thoughts and feelings floating through my head
i am questioning everything
i think i may need upped on my crazy pills...
i dont know
possibly anxiety

but i am posting this because i just need to not have the phone calls with the fifty questions
i just cant handle it
so i dont snap

well.......i need a degree

2008-11-21T09:53:00.000-08:00

just got the call...
they are interviewing two more people...
doesnt sound good,
apparently they need someone with a bachelors degree to type and answer phones
my friend that workds there says not to count myself out yet
they really liked me...
just my luck
anywho.........
not giving up i have two more interviews next week

colorstay

2008-11-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

well...

i just thought i'd share

i was filling out applications online...

and collin was peeing...

or so i thought

and he actually stood next to me, talking to me and then walked in the living room to watch tv and i came in....

this is what i saw

i said collin, what is all over you

he said mom
i just used your chapstick...

lol

i love him

oh yeah
and color stay lipstick.....stays!

please keep your fingers crossed

2008-11-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

ok
i have wonderful news
i have a wonderful job connection at the pittsburgh houseing authority and it looks like i may be able to get a job as an admin assist
the starting salary is nice and there are benefits....
i am going wed
please keep your fingers crossed!!!!!
please

dirty dancing

2008-11-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

please pause my music and enjoy the kids.............i dont know if any of you think this is a funny as i did....but wow....i crack up

they are all in their own world...

lol

my wonderful kids

2008-11-10T17:29:00.001-08:00

i am not sure how it happens
but i have some amazing kids

i just got back from open house
and well let me first start with abby

mrs caterinella
just raved about her....
how she is coming out of her shell
how smart she is...
about how she works well with other kids and how polite she is...

hmmm....
wow

lol

that about does it...she is that..but where is the abby i know
the abby that screams and whines my name 478 times before my eyes open...
or the abby that wrestles and fights her brother...and sister

lol
so then we go to jareds
i was nervous for this one
i struggle with homework with him
i mean one sheet can take up to a half an hour
i open his report card
HONOR ROLL!

the lowest grade was a 72
that is a low c
and that was in math

but oh my god
his teacher raved about him
how he gets things, just takes him a little longer
how he raised his hand twice last week and asked to sit closer to the front..
how polite he is

and well,
jared is jared
he can be stubborn....
and mean
but he is my baby and loves me so much

and i do him too

and then we get to lily
lol
first of all
mrs caterinella still raves about her from last year
lol
and then
her teacher this year
mrs youngkin....
says how well she has adjusted to first grade...
how intelligent she is
and how she just gets things
she picks them up and is almost an independent reader
(which is mrs youngkins term for advanced)
and then showed us all of her 100% papers
not the lily that gives me the WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT
when i call her name
or the attitude i get of her stomping up the steps

but i geuss my point here is we are doing something right
something i am teaching them is coming across cause they are totally different kids in public
in school
around friends
and i love that
that is when it counts
they can be crazy monsters at home....
and i do mean CRAZY
but they have manners beyond compare and are really intelligent kids in the real world

i love them
i do

they are the best

the tooth fairy

2008-11-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

so the little snaggle tooth that was hanging...finally fell out
or should i say...lil ripped it out
it was like someone got murdered
i was doing dishes and she came running into the kitchen covered in blood
tooth was no where to be found...
we assumed she swallowed it .... you know
in the midst of all theblood
anywho..
we searched and searched the living room
then she says
mom
i know i swallowed it
so she wrote the toothe fairy a note....

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
freakin cute
so she woke up the next morning and flew down the steps..
there was a little silver box under her pillow...
it held five bucks....and a note from the tooth fairy
thanking lily for the note and letting her know that she had retrieved the tooth
and wanted lily to give it to her mom to hold
and under the note was the tooth
lily was in shock....
the tooth fairy actually flew into her stomach and found her tooth
she really is magic!!!!!!!!!!!!

today i am at peace..........

2008-11-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

i have realized that sometimes you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons
and i am talking about relationships with friends...
i have found that sometimes i stay friends with the wrong people
selfish
mean
backstabbing people and i just dont get why
why do i stay friends with someone that tried to sleep with my husband,
that lies to me continuously
why do i try to help a friend that continuoulsy stabs me in the back
i sat with my friend for three days
laughed with her
cried with her
she said she needed help
that she needed to go to rehab, that she lost herself
she felt that she was going crazy
i know that feeling
i felt her pain....
so i was there
not like this is the only time either
i am always there for her....
always....but no more
anyway
i waited with her
took her to the hospital
she got beat up.....she had her ribs broken and some other random injuries from her wonderful boyfriend...
held her when she cried of broken ribs and a broken heart
and then witness her turn on me
i dont know if it was to go back to him,
or to get away from me
but i gave her real friendship and she turned it down
i gave her honesty
i gave her my shoulder, my heart and my ear
and well
now i am done
i have washed my hands of it
no one can help this woman

no one but herself

because i dont understand how you date someone for two months, let him beat the shit out of you for most of that time and then want to stay with him
someone that has nothing to offer
that comes from a broken, horrible family
no ambition
nothing

i just dont get it
but i am done trying to understand
i am over this friendship because i am choosing to surround myself with positive people
i am tired of others bringing me down
not just this friends
but everyone in my life

so today
i feel a calm
a relief...

i am happy

Happy Pumpkin Carving Day

2008-10-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Pre Halloween...........
WE had so much fun today....

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

franklin regional homecoming 08

2008-10-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

josh is growing up
and so is meg
i remember singing the alligator song and megan cracking up
and josh
well
he is my first born...
he is the apple of my mothers eye
and he is getting older by the second....
enjoy

Make a Smilebox slideshow

strangers

2008-10-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

well...

all i can say is i am flattered

that this anonymouse person feels they have to spend time reminding me of this shit

what else can i say but thank you

i can look in the mirror and love what i see

i have to admit
some days are a little harder than others

but i am a good person

that made bad choices

but i am me none the less

so keep it coming

this is the last response that you will get from me

i cant wait for your daily comments...

how you think you can get to me

you cannot

or will not

anywho

halloween is coming up

my kids are thrilled to go trick or treating

lol

i just hate the whole day

week

devils night

i am scared

lol

and after watching THE STRANGERS

have any of you seen this shit?

if michael myers wasnt enough

now i have these images in my head

i thought it would be fun to watch a scary movie

like i am all grown up now

lol

there arent enough happy movies to take these images out of my head

i cannot go outside after dark

all of my blinds are closed

all the time

my door is always gonna be locked

cause in the movie when asked

"why are you doing this to us?"

the freaky voice behind the mask says

"Cause you were home"

and to make matters worse

at the beginning

you are reminded

that the movie is based on true events

lol

thank you

and good night

poof.....be gone

2008-10-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

you know
i just got a very honest and touching email from my favorite relative...
and she brought something to my attention that made me think
why is this anonymous part of my life
why with such harshness and anonymity is this person even in my life
why do they want to know me?
i am not sure
if you have such strong feelings for me
for my past
such loathing
then why not remove yourself from my life
or is it just easier to sit and judge me
ridicule me for my mistakes than look at your own
or that someone is doing to you

go ahead
i will be your punching bag...
get it all out
cause i can laugh daily
i look back and cringe and cry and hurt for all i did
but how long am i supposed to mourn the mistakes i have made

i love my life so much now
i like me
with all the bull shit
i have lots of character....lmao

and i can do this because i do have a wonderful family
that does care
they dont have to agree with my fuck ups and they can tell me to get up off my ass and do something with my life...
and they can have their opinion
but then that's it
they are not my judge
nor are you
you are not better than me
or anyone else
life is short
too short for someone like you in my life
cause it may not be today
or tomorrow of a year from now
but trust me
the truth always surfaces.................ALWAYS
i will find out who wrote me these love letters
and what will i do with them
NOTHING
because if i let every bad comment or opinion ruin my life
i would be six feet under
~deep breath~
and i am gonna quote her ...... my favorite relative....
"anyone can stay for the rainbow - it is the people that are there after the storm "
and you know what
i should keep that in mind every day
EVERY DAY
thank you
be gone oh negative one
lol
poof

thank you

2008-10-23T06:33:00.001-07:00

i sit here and debate on what to do
this anonymous really gets to me...
she knows it
but apparently there are two now because a "we"was mentioned
sooooooooooo
i could blog battle
and cry
and be hurt by reading these comments
i think that i cry because i do know it is true
or maybe i cry because i think i know who it is by the words that are used
women that have been hurt by cheating husbands...
or that have cheating fathers......
or that have cheated themselves and just want to point out my wrong doings to make them feel better....not sure
but hurtful none the less

let me start by saying this

i did what was right for aiden
i made another family complete
and one day i will explain that to my kids
I will answer any question that they have honestly
and maybe these mistakes i made will make me a better mom...
a better listener
a better person
and i HOPE that one day my kids WILL forgive me for me being the person that i WAS
back then
not present
the words you chose in those comments were hurtful
and maybe at one time in my life ...that was me
but not now
so
stop
stop trying to beat me down with past mistakes
i am a person
i have feelings...
i hurt to
and i have hurt myself and others in my life
i dont blame anyone for my decisions and mistakes
i made them
i deal with them everyday
none of you do
none of these decisions i made about josh, or lucas or anything in my life are easy
but they make me an easy target
easy for you to point the things out that you would have done different, or what i should have done
they arent easy things
do you know what it feels like to be all alone in a hospital room...
holding a peice of you, your child, tiny baby... so close
just to feel his breath of his on your face
to listen to his breath one last time before you have to let him go....
to sing to him over and over in hopes he will remember your voice forever....
to have a peice of you gone
forever
tell me you know what that feels like.....
and i know
i know
what i did to get there was all my fault...
but dont you dare tell me how it feels to be me
or what hurt is
i know
these decisions are hard for me
on a daily basis
and yes , at times maybe for me i do look to blame
but i do not blame anyone
not my family, yes sometimes i dont like the way things happened when i was little, what i saw or heard
and i do sometimes blame dj because in the beginning i was a really good wife and i tried really hard to make things work....as i did in the end....we just didnt know how to be married....
and i can sit here and try to justify or give you reasons both of us were wrong, but i am not
it has taken a toll on me
trying to blame
i stopped doing that and looked in the mirror a long time ago
i am the only one i hold responsible for anything going wrong or right in my life
i am moving on
i am past my mistakes
i am trying to make myself a better person daily
i know that all of you would love that to happen over night
its not gonna happen
but you keep trying to put me down
give me all the bad shit
remind me of it
over
and over
and over and over
i can take it
believe me i have taken much worse
i am taking it all in
cause in the end ...
maybe i can thank you
for making me stronger

i love life

2008-10-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

sooooooooo......
i have been doing a lot of thinking
about life
-i know-
you all are probably like.......here we go......
lol
but no...
i just want to say
life is good.......
it is really good
even with the bad emotional shit....
its good
i have my kids....i love listening to them talk, cry, fight.....
i love that they love each other at the end of the day
they protect each other, they play together and
well
all in all
they are pretty good kids
and i love my life
lol
did i say that
it has been a long time since i have woken up on a daily basis and said........
another day...
but in a positive way
i am at a point where i cannot wait to wake up
to see what my day will hold
i have found a new sense of security in my self
self confidence....
i feel positive

"i am strong because i am weak
i am beautiful because i know my flaws
i am a lover because i am a fighter
I am fearless because i have been afraid
i am wise because i have been foolish
......and I can laugh because i have known sadness....."

i love that quote
i feel like it nails me
instead of dwelling on all my mistakes...
i can be happpy, in a way, that i made the mistakes
i can embrace life today
yes
i know how to fuck up
today
i know how to make things right.....
i know how to let someone care about me
to actually let someone love me
to listen as well as speak...
to give someone else love....
i dont know what to say
a lot of you dont agree with the person that i am with
but you dont know him
everyone judges
makes their own comments
but i just want to say
i have been judged
i have been ridiculed
and i have been hurt
and it hurts
really bad
to hear that people that you care about, your family
can talk that easily behind your back
it hurts
watch what you say people....
words hurt worse than anything i know
please at least have the guts to say or talk about me or him to my face
i let others thoughts and words hurt me for a long time
i refuse to let you hurt me or him anymore
i will stand up for what i believe in now...
i will not stand back and watch and listen to what people say and just agree so that i can avoid confrontation
i am happy
genunily happy
this may not last forever...
i am not looking for forever right now
but right now
i have a person in my life that i feel completely safe with
i feel happy most of every minute of the day
i have someone that SHOWS love for me
and i feel comfortable enought to do the same
we talk, we laugh, we dance, we play......
he gives me everything i have ever wanted in a man...
really
so all of you that hate it or hate me for being with him...
i dont care
lol
i really dont
misery loves company and i am not joining your club again

race car buggies

2008-10-20T06:41:00.000-07:00

what the hell
who invented this

do you realize that everytime i get to go to giant eagle....
everytime we walk in
everytime
we fight for this buggy
and i wouldn't care
at all
except
with four kids
in giant eagle
trying to push this big rig through the damn store

well

is a joke
you have to like back up and turn a certain way
so god forbid if you forget something in the same aisle
you have to just loop around the next one to get back to get that one packet of koolaid that you forgot that your daughter will freak out about cause she doesnt have something green to drink ..

ok

i have vented enough

i am putting out a petion to ban the race car buggies and the god forsakin ones that can fit like all of my kids in...
you know
the ones with the extended cab
i think they are at wal mart

too much!

Hangin tough

2008-10-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

lol

I LOVE IT

OCTOBER 2ND 2008

2008-10-15T11:42:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

this is us......peeing ourselves before leaving Jenny's

this was one of the first seconds they were there...right in front of my face and nada....nothing......NO WORDS!

yes...this is actually joe mcintyre standing at our table.... i look all calm.....inside...i had bubble guts and i was screaming........

yep.....my arm touching danny wood.......yep he is a little guy.....lol

these were the coolest girls to have experienced this with....i will never forget this birthday...

this is when i shit myself.....i mean ....really.....come on....

then we leave the meet and greet and this is our view...........amazing concert...............just .......

and there he is the love of my life.....

all of my dreams have come true......

yeah .............

joe .....jordan.....donnie..............AHHHHHHHHHHH

WE JUST COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

i think about you in the summertime......woah

we love you.............

i absolutley will be loving my new kids forever!

new kids ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008-10-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

this is it

the photo you have all been waiting for

that is my pink arm around donnie wahlbergs neck
i may have been choking him
that was pretty much it
i waited 20 years to meet this man
always talkin shit of what i would say to them
to him
that i loved him over half of my life
and as soon as they came out i froze
literally
i froze
i stood in front of him as another fan...slut whore fan came rushing over in front of me
rubbing all over him and he was returning the favor i might add
but anyway
joe mcintyre made his way over to me
i wish all of you could have been inside my head
panic attack city
and not moving
did i mention that
i watched jenny and deb making their way around to all o f them
debby questioning the shit out of jordan
WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER
and jen shmoozing like she had known them forever
and then there was me
lmao
nothing
no words
as donnie made eye contact with me
lol
i freaked
he said
are you ok
and took my hand
checked me out
lol
ah ha
for real
told me i had nice legs
i still had nothing
no words
i just hugged him
smelling him
lol
then just stood watching
i could not beleive it
then i look up as jon knight walked near and saw deb almost tackle the fuck out of danny wood to get to him
lol
what a night ladies and gents
and well
to top that
we had like the BEST ever seats for the concert
lol
third row center stage
i think i t was third
third or fourth
it was the most amazing night ever
i will never forget it and i will always cherish that i shared it with my bff and fellow new kids loving friend deb
( and jenny too)
and well
it was emotional and fun and exhausting
i hope it is not there last show

lol

more pics to follow when i get em

ahem
deb
cd
lol

thank you deb
thank you
thank you
thank you

nine kids...........lets play

2008-09-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

i am laughing my ass off right now
lol
not laughing cause something is funny
laughing cause i am about to check into western psych

i agreed to let the kids have friends over after school
thinking that they would play quietly
LMAO

yeah right

at first
nice peaceful
the girls were playing, making bracelets
collin and kim....both 3 and 4
playing together
there were five addtional coming over today
so yes if you are doing the math
that would be 9 children under the age of nine

WHAT THE THE FUCK WAS I THINKING...........

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SO AFTER ABOUT 20 MIN OF THE KIDS DEVOURING SNACKS
(no food left)
TEARING UP THE HOUSE
(every single toy is out and half are broken)
AND WRESTLING
(jared punching and kicking the shit out of abby....and in turn abby beating the shit out of jared to prove she "aint no punk")
i decided to head to the park

tire these kids out

leasson learned

one friend at a time

or just get rid of mine...............

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

happy days

2008-09-08T11:16:00.001-07:00

today i am happy.............
for real
i feel really good inside
my life is changing for the better
all over the place
i love life
ha ha ha

2008-08-28T13:48:00.000-07:00

so i totally had to find a way to blog this

i got to take my girls to their first boy band concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

i think i was more excited than they were...

we went to see

THE JONAS BROTHERS

and might i add they are a cute little bunch of boys...

so i will spare you all the details

and just say

we got into the concert free of charge

lol

we went there with no tickets

well

long story

bottom line

i promised them i would get them in

and i did

and by the end of the concert we were close enough to actually see their faces

hey

i am a boy band veteran and glad i got some practice in before the oct second show

here are a few pics...

enjoy

i did

walk away

2008-07-15T04:54:00.000-07:00

people never cease to amaze me
truly
why cant people just shut their mouths
honestly
do i really need the two cents not to mention the third and fourth cent too...
does that even make sense
lol
i geuss these are all life lessons i am learning now
just like i have my whole life
keeping my mouth shut and smiling
thats new
casue it is really hard for me to shut it
knowing when to say enough is enough
cause mamma taught me
it bothers others more if nothing is said at all
keep your friends close and your enemies closer
and walk away
just walk away
lol

im walking
fast
Posted by jenn at

see ya

2008-07-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

well
things are getting funny now
very interesting
it is funny what influence family has on all of us
mean, evil, vendictive people
oh well
i geuss everyone thinks i deserve the worst or whatever
but i will come out ahead
it may take years
but i will....
lol

anyway
the point of this whole blog is to say farewell for a while
i am getting back into the swing of life
i am going to go to work
soon i hope
and in aug i am all ready to start school...
just waiting on financial aid
keep your fingers crossed

but i am saying goodbye
i cannot stand the fact that i talk on here
and all of you that love to come here to try to get me down, or say hurtful things or what ever you wanna call it...i wish you had the balls to say this stuff to my face
i do
but none of you do
words are powerful
they can really hurt
and for those of you preaching
maybe you should look in the mirror
you know what they say about people in glass houses

my whole point is this
what gives you the right
what gives anyone the right

not sure
but i came
i saw
i blogged
im done

i am leaving the cyber world....
ill be back though

melissa dettore

2008-07-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

i got a blast from the past today
ha ha ha
it is so funny how the new kids can bring old friends back together
melissa dettore...
how crazy is it...
i love it
she sent me a wonderful card and an inviation to a new kids reunion party...AHHHHHHHHHHH
so fun
deb..you are invited tooo....
sometime in august...
lol
i love it
so good to hear from you melissa
and your card was very touching...thank you
thank you for finding me
we will all be back together soon....
ill be in touch

it is officially me....all me

2008-06-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

well
i geuss he got his two words
like no one knew
yes i fucked up my life
should i elaborate
no
not needed
i geuss he wanted to make himself look better
if he would have read back
he would have known that i pretty much put all that out there
i am not using this blog to fight
not
i published it
i am not afraid of the truth
i am who i am
i did alot
he did not put all his truth out there either
not even close
i am letting go
of a lot
i geuss he needed to blame me for everything one last time
the finger is officially pointed at me
you got the last one d
lol
you put it out there...the worst of the worst
but you and everyone else knows i am not a bad person
i made a lot of bad choices
obvioulsly...
i am glad things happened the way they did
you hold a lot of resentment
i do to towards you
now i can say goodbye
especially of dj

where are you jenny penny

2008-06-30T11:45:00.001-07:00

so i am moving forward with my life
i am sure there are many of you that think i share too much on here
stop reading now
infact some of you should just stop reading all together...

i am getting ready to travel a long long and very different road
i have made life changing decisions today and did a lot of thinking
i have to do the things i am doing to stay well for my children
and for those of you that think i never put them first
well...think of it this way
i have to put myself first right now
for the right reasons
so that i am here for them, my kids
i am doing everything by the law...
through the court
divorce, custody everything
i will never talk bad about my husband or his family to or around my kids
i will never deny them there family
you can rest assure that i have their best interest at heart....
i just want to move forward with our life
i hope that every one can act as adults and think of them first
practice what you preach
i will take responsibility for all that i have done wrong
i have and i will
and i am going to do everything in my power to stay strong for them
to make my kids proud of me
to show my girls that women do do this alone and can survive divorce
and do not need to be treated badly badly by a man
that furniture doesnt fly
we do not need to be put down
talk to like i was nothing
i am something
i am somebody
i am a mother
a sister
a friend
a daughter
an aunt
and most of all
i am a person
i made mistakes but i REFUSE to live my life with anymore regret and WILL NOT let ANYONES words hurt me anymore
i am sure this whole situation will get worse beofre getting better
but i have people too...
and speaking of
i got an offer to change my life today that brought me to tears
to get my life together
with a little help from a friend...
a hand extended....
truly touched me and means more to me than anything i could ever express in words
this is probably going to be the hardest thing that i ever had to deal with
i always wanted my kids to grow up in a house with their mother and father
but we just cant
and after sunday
i cannot
NO ONE
man or woman
will ever put their hands on me again
EVER

noooooooooooooooooooooo

2008-06-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

NO MAN SHOULD EVER PUT HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN
EVER
NEVER
PERIOD

update

2008-06-24T17:03:00.000-07:00

thank youcarrie
my old and dear friend

it is so nice to seeand hear someonecome out of the wood work

to answer you all who wanna know the little summary of my life
aint gonna happen
cause it can't be short
i should write an autobiography
i can knock your socks off then
but not now
i have had enough of drama
i am argued and cried out
and i am not gonna let anyone hold me down
i wanted this page so i could write freely
to findmy way
here and out in the real world and that i am gonna do
i saw a quote on a friends myspace page
......"people say that i have changed
i say i found my true self"

anywho..........

i have been enjoying my kids these past few days
we all went to kennywood on sunday
lol
i freaking rode the aero 360
and for those of you that dont know what it is...
it is this torture chamber that locks you in and goes upside down and around andholds you in the air for 5 seconds....
upside down....
yes
and not only before the ride starts do i picture the restraints coming loose and letting me fall to my death, but i do it every two seconds as my kids flash by me,waving hi momma....as i feel like i am falling to my death...
other than that we had so much fun...
i took my nephew on the log jammer...
we were all laughing and then that first hill comes...you know....the little fast one...
and he says
aunt jen
i'm scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaared
the rest was all down hill
literally
great
the first ride i take my beloved nephew on
he hates it
me and abs rode the jack rabbit in the front seat
she is such a dare devil
she loves everysecond of it
as i held onto her for dear life
she rides with her hands up and laughing
how free
i watch her hair blowing
and laughing almost uncontrollably
how free
how young
how fun
we all had fun
lots of laughs
i loved every tiring second of it

hey coward

2008-06-20T17:27:00.001-07:00

thank you mrs blog
i would love to know how you know so much about me
but of course
cowardly
you type with no name
i dont need anyone to love me
others have always thought so
but i hold my own and people that are close to me know that
so until you come forward and give me your name
please
keep your comments to yourself

one more thing

2008-06-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

one more thing today
you people that love to comment
stand on your soap box...
i give you alot into my life
take it or leave it
it cracks me up how people are so fast to tell you what is wrong with you
when they are the ones that should be looking closer into their own life
maybe you all should read some of your comments
on this
and other pages that i have read
people in glass houses....
i have a quote for you all....
i liked it
and i didnt write down who said it..
but anyway
"...and by the way, everything in life is writeable if you have the outgoing guts to do it.
the worst ememy to creativity is self doubt"
i am not sure why i do this
why i blog
to connect
to get others input
not sure
but again
you dont like it
dont read it
and please...can you all give your names
not mrsblog
or mamadrama
or whatever
just deb
or meg
or jen
a name
dont be so cowardly

i care

2008-06-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

for one
mrs blog
you should really becareful of what you say
you apparently do not know me really at all
how do you figure i do this for attention
if you dont like it
dont read it
i do this as a release..
maybe sometimes to let others know what is going on without really having to talk about it
do you think it is healthier to keep it all in
just make it look nice on the outside....
please...
you have no right to judge
when you wont even give your name
if you dont want anyone else to know
jenmomlily@yahoo.com
until then
take a rest .....

anyway
no need to focus on the negative...
i have other things on my mind
we have a friend
he has been on my mind lately
he is severely addicted to opiates ...
that is opiates of any kind
pills, heroin....
and we all have known for a long time..
he has hurt us...
and we continue to know that he is killing himself and we stand by and watch
i wanted to make a difference
when he called dj's cell phone the other night, i got a few seconds to hear his voice
it was actualy disturbing
hearing the slur
i asked him why
why he wants to live like this
he said cause he doesn't want to be tortured....
lol
but isnt that what he is doing to himself everyday
i couldnt shake the sound of his voice
the loneliness that i heard
i was there

i went to talk to him
not intentionally,
i drove past his house with a friend...
he was outside
i drove past three times before i stopped
i got out of the car
i gave him a hug
and he cried
and i didnt ask him to go to rehab
i just let him know...there is someone here that will listen
i hugged him again
he shook and cried
he is high
he is alone
and as many of you may not wanna hear
so was i
but see the difference is
i had family that loved me, i pushed away
but i knew they were there...
in the back of my head
i knew they would listen
support
he has no one that cares...NO ONE
no one to say...
i will travel this road with you if you need me
having a hand extended to you is an amazing feeling...
support
and love
i could never imagine not having it because i have had it all of my life
and recently
over the last few years...
friends that stand by me
i stood talking to him...
looking in to this strangers face...
looking for the friend that i once knew
his face distorted, puffy
missing teeth
a lost soul
a boy that is trying to find his way
he wasnt this person
addiction is a horrible disease..
no one ever beats it
there is no cure
you just live and battle
everyday
i cringe at the thought of ever feeling that low
losing myself
being in that spot
where you think you have no one

i told him i was gonna call him everyday
even if he doesnt answer
i called...his aunt is there
he is not
maybe he went to get help
maybe
maybe the support of old friends will make a difference in his life
dj is his childhood friend and i am sure that it makes him feel safe when he talks to d
maybe
just maybe
we can make a difference
if not...
well
i do not want to have one negative thought
just maybe if i can muster up some positive thoughts and prayers...
i just want you all to understand...
i am a caring person, deep down
i blow alot of shit off
but i relate to him
in a weird way
and i do want to try and help
i know not everyone wants it
and i know not everyone will think i am doing the right thing
but what if everyone gave up on me
i just want him to know people care

mrs blog is a coward

2008-06-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

ok
so mrs blog is too cowardly to come through
i put all my shit out here
and she cant even tell me her name
COWARD

anywho
not much is going on
i am heading to wally mart today to put the pics on a disk...
so hopefully
i will have lots of pics to share with you
i have over 600 picutres on two memory cards that i need to share...
lol
soon
i know you are all anxiously waiting....

mrs blog

2008-06-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

i refuse to post til i find out who you are mrs blog
tell me now

trim the fat

2008-06-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

so i decided no only to trim the fat from my body
but from my house
and really from my life
i am really tired of bloggging
virtual bitching
i am turning into a bitter person
all because of the actions of others
and well
that just aint me
so i am letting go
of it all
all the bull shit
i am making over my body
my soul
and my life
you have to get the mental so the physical can come into play right?

two fat chicks.......

2008-06-16T06:30:00.001-07:00

ok
so to let you all know how serious this is....
the weight loss
deb has created a new blog site
lol

http://2fatchicsontheblock.blogspot.com

so come see it
give us some support
lol

this is so hard
but it does give me a focus...........
lol

fathers day

2008-06-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

i have had a few questions/comments that need to be dealt with
one
i cannot post pictures at the moment
my computer...if that is what you want to call it
has no memory
NONE
i cannot download anything...
two
who are you new people...
identify yourself
how do you know me
where did you hear of my blog
just cause you cannot post annonymously anymore doesnt meanthat you can make up names
lol
and not let me know

and three
my shit list
seems you are right mrs blog
someone always is
but let me tell you
deservingly so...

we shall see
today
no one
i had a fun day
i love my family
(most of the time)
today was extra fun
mom email the pics then i can post
oh forget that
just get them burned..then i can post

lol

i got my dad his own set of clippers for fathers day
he likes his head shaved now a days
thinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn on top.....lol

daddy is gettin old....
but that is a whole other blog...
anywho...
seems that with a little bitch wine and a few iron citys...
everyone wanted the henderson buzz cut
but then throw in kentuky joe...
and we got the fades goin round....
and erin even picked up a southern accent

i can not wait to talk to everyone tomorrow
when the alcohol wears off
when they all wake up and see the baldness of the scalp
bill lantz....
BALD
who rah
he looks like he just enlisted
jeff keating.......
HIL ARIOUS
he was like a little puppy
me next
me next
as the wife screams from the gallery
JEFFERY...NO
again with the southern accent....
so he went with the inch guard....
suttle, nice
dad...bald
josh
bald
eric
bald...
so funny

i will definately get the pics...ASAP
and post

til nex time

im done

2008-06-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

im done
i am done caring for those who dont give two shits about me
i can live with them in my life...
easy
but i have to cut the feeling....
the caring
the giving a shit
shut it off
cause when someone doesnt give a shit about you
there actions are cold
hurtful
and repititous
the same shit
over and over
then why am i bothering?
so you want me to shut you off
you got it
ludwigs are famous for the cold shoulder
so....
i am done

i finally cleaned

2008-06-13T10:27:00.001-07:00

so today i took a day off of play
i had to clean
and clean i did

cabinets
floors
ceilings and walls

my apt officially smells like a bottle of mr clean
i love it
i need a mr clean scented candle...

anywho
as i was scouring my floor...
i came across a few little spots that were a little harder to clean up

cocoa krispys.............
WTF?
the kids dropped a few under the table
they were wet when dropped
i came across them dried.........

f-ing CEMENT
i pretty much had to get a razor blade to get it off the floor

christ....
what is in that shit that makes it dry like that?????????

like baby cereal.........
you could tile a bathroom with that shit when it dries

so after the three buckets of muddy ass water that i cleaned out of this house of mine
i am ready to relax...
play

but not here.....
its too clean..

just babbling

2008-06-10T09:22:00.001-07:00

so ..
the video is out
it is here
and i loooooooooooooooooooooove me some new kids
i am hearing them on the radio

my kids are like
mom
your song
i hear it

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

how fun
anywho
i am hot

does anyone not have central air..........
YEAH
me
it is like a prison camp in here
a sweltering sauna box

and it is a mess
i cant even walk from room to room without having a bead of sweat drip from the underneath of the boob down the gut

i am so fucking hot

and did i mention sunburned on top....
yeah from the day that i fried my fat ass in the sun
sitting with the hose as the human sprinkler....lol
that was almost a weeka go and my skin still hurts
my kids dont even look like they were in the sun...
i lathered them up with a 50 and by the time we got down to collin
i was soaking wet with sweat..
n ot that i wear sunscreen
i should
cause now i have these spots on my neck that i am fearing is melenoma...not sure if i spelled that right
anyway
i am just babbling....
i need to clean and dive into the laundry that i have let pile up since thursday..
i have no underwear

dw

2008-06-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

well....
donnie wahlberg
here i come....

and yes i will be in a size 10

did i hear laughing

ok
maybe 12

but not the 18 i am in now
wow i said it
yes i am in a size freakin 18
and i have to wear the xxl at old navy

now if you shop in lane giant....as deb calls is
18 aint half bad

but that is on ly because the sizes range from 14 to like 46
so an 18 in lane giant aint bad

no go to abercrombie....
lmao

the girls that work there are no bigger than my thigh
their WHOLE body is no bigger....

they try to not make eye contact...
helllo
a a hi MAAM

yes

i am a maam now

and the little bitch asked me what size i was looking for

is that allowed
maybe i wanted a mans sweatshirt

or maybe some socks

lmao

yes dear, can you please point me in the direction of the plus size abercrombie....

NO DEAL

anywho...
i always said donnie would fall in love with me if he ever met me, i mean....
psht ca
whats not to love right

i gots a little extra to love now

so deb

fellow blogger
i say we chart it on here

put it out there
weigh in every ten days
make a schedule....
together we shall do it

but it is the dam ice cream and why are krispy cremes so good and always by the register at sheetz

and how do i not drink pepsi

i have got to dig deep and find the will power to do it....

when i meet him i want like the slow motion
the room to stop
people wispering as he stares at me...
LMAO

aaahhhh haaaaa

as he takes my hand
my hair blowing...
tan
skinny and cute

and we live happily ever hafter

yes i know
i am 32 years old
actually i will be 33 at the concert

but its gonna happen
and i aint gonna be fat

oh yeah
i am looking for any takers for that weekend

October second
is the concert
so i neeed sitters for the day before, day after and the day

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i still cant believe it....lol

and for all of you that think it really may happen
the hook up
me and donnie
yeah
he's on my list
its legal
number one in the top three

you know
when you get married, you have the list of three people you are permitted to sleep with..........
i have mine laminated in my purse
just in case i run into donnie
collin farrel
or matthew mc...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh donnie

WE ARE GOING

2008-06-04T16:23:00.001-07:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WE ARE GOING
WE ARE GOING

VIPS

WE WILL BE THE ONES IN THE FIRST TEN ROWS
THE ONES IN THE MEET AND GREET

HOLY SHIT

I LOVE YOU DEB
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

one more thing

2008-06-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

so i got it
i read the comments over and over
and i am sorry if i am coming off all pissy
but i am a miserable bitch
i am
and you all dont make it much easier for me to snap out of it

i just want to make one thing clear and then i am done defending my blog

I NEVER CLAIMED TO BE DOING IT ALL ALONE
I claimed to have an asshole husband
yes
there i said it
and he is not an ass all the time.....lol
and i did claim to be trying to get my shit together
trying to make a marriage work
and trying to be a good mother and house wife...

but i never said anything about our family not being there for me...mine or his

i get lots of help from you michelle
infact i think i thanked you in a blog of mine

and mom
you too
even though we dont talk much, i know you support me

and to everyone else...

wait

no

christ do i have to hand out ribbons or little certificates to let you all know that you are appreciated

i sit here and i read these comments from family and let me tell you
you can come on here and be anonymous all you want
i know who you are just by the words that you use

it is so sad that i have to do this...
i wanted to have a blog where i could be funny
or where i could vent when i was pissed off
and now it is being used against me
to keep tabs on my feelings

does it make you feel good to try to wreck this too
to throw your two cents in

i didnt mind it for a while
but if you are going to read this blog...then READ it
dont skim it

i love the comments good and bad
when they are about the blogs that i write
not the ones that you skim......

last day

2008-06-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

so today is the last day of school....
i was taking pictures this morning
so i can have first day...
last day

jared is all like WOO HOO..
lily....am i gonna see my friends?
and abs...she is excited to be in kindergarten....
all of them came home yesterday with packets of papers
work from this year
journals
work from all year and
blank pages ....
crisp new worksheets to do over the summer

i think jared already pitched his...
lily's are under lock and key
she has started her packet...
only one sheet a day
and so has abs
the two of them ( the girls)
are already through it...

so funny
they are all so different
and all getting so big

oh well..
as soon as i get my computer working normally again
i will begin to post pictures

so i am taking ideas
for activites for the summer
i already am on it for the childrens museum membership
it is air conditioned and well...that right there sold me
we have aunt kaths pool....
and i will have to start saving for gas now...
zoo...........NO
i hate the zoo
it stinks
it is all pretty much up hill
and most of it is in the hot sun
so
the henderson clan more than likely,
unless bribed
will not be seen at the zoo this year
and we have the sprinkler park
other wise known as swisshelm...
we live there
i literally pack for the day
and park it
the kids love it
they can run and play
get wet
nap in the shade and it is free

so if any of you care to join me
that is where i will most likely be this year
the sprinkler park

i will either be there or haning out on the rankin bridge....
YEE HAW
summer is here!

i am almost on e

2008-06-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

i am so frazzled
this blog was to hep me find myself
to write what i want
what i feel
and i spend most of the time explaining why i feel certain ways
i am now done
i am going to type happy shit
fucked up shit
sad stuff
whatever stuff

i cant stand it anymore
it is funny this way
i put my feelings out there
and you all....you know who you are.......
just use it as my weakness
an achilles heal if you may...

well watch out
cause i am on to you
keep your friends close
and your enemies closer....

i think that some of you are just mean
mean
mean
mean

thank you charlotte
thank you
you always open my eyes when i become blinded

it is funny...this life of mine
when i think that i am just getting to find out who people really are
let my guard down
to let you in
and you shit on me

i am done explaining
i am done doing things for you
and i am done tiptoeing around you

and stop using this blog as a way to communicate anonymously
tell me if you have a problem
and own your comments
i have the balls to put it out there
why dont you claim your comments
coward

from now on...i will put it all out there
the funny
the sad
the angry
and the pathetic

i am running out of emotion for some people
i am alomost on e
careful

90210

2008-06-02T16:25:00.001-07:00

who is reading from california....
lol

please let me know
is that you nicole?

sex and the city

2008-06-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

well
i have to tell you
i dont remember the last time i went to the theatre
The blair wtch project

and to top it all
i went alone

yes
lily had a birthday party at the theater and i went while she partied
something i think everyone with kids and a husband should do once in their life
it is dark
and quiet
and you are completely thrown into this wonderful movie...
it is a movie i wish i would have waited to see with deb, but none the less
Sex and the city is one of the most wonderful movies i have ever seen in my life
these women..the characters....
so wonderful
a movie about friendship
TRUE friendship

as samantha sat feeding pudding to a devestated carrie....
i balled my eyes out
and thought of you deb
you would so do that...as i for you
except ours would be a rudys steak hoagie or a slice or two from mineos
and we would probably not be in mexico...but still......

i laughed asuch as i cried and i felt good..
if you are a sex and the city fan..as i am
(never missed one episode)
this movies stay true to the story line of the show...the characters

i just cannot say enough

from the first moment it captures you and you feel everything they are....
and i to agree with deb...
my favorite part of this movie...
charlotte..
the feeling that shows through..
carrie sees big
and then turns to charlotte
and holds her so tight...
NO
oh my....whew
it wells me up just thinking of it
to feel for a friend...
to feel that much for a friend...
takes my breath away

i am lucky enough to have found it again
i can honestly say
when no one else is here for me
deb is
and i know if my "situation" ever got that out of control...she too would let me know
let me know the truth no matter how horrible it sounds
i know i can count on her for the hard truth...
whatever it is

she makes me laugh
we have cried together
and i would do just about anything for her
and know she would and has done just about everything for me

words could never thank you for all that you have done for me deb
you are my charlotte

love you

tank top...

2008-05-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

i got a tan today

ah ha ha ha

lol

yes ladies and gents
i took the fat into the sun and burned it

i think a passerby actually asked if someone was cooking bacon....
no just me ...
tanning

lol

i dont know what the fuck i looked like
but while the boys played on the porch...
i sat on the side walk
tank top
and shorts

yes

i said
tank
top

lmao

white fat is nasty
tan fat looks better

lol

random thoughts

2008-05-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

well....i had an interesting weekend so say the least
i wish to f ing god this computer...or whatever you want to call it would download my pictures, but it refuses to do so...
lilys party was saturday...
i just wanted to say thank you to dj's mom and my mother and father for all the help
thank you so much
i would love to vent and bitch...but i am not gonna waste time, space or typing energy to do so...
most people, the ones that are close to me, know what happened this weekend
i dont know what to do..
most women i feel would know
i do not
and that is how i am gonna leave it
i just dont know

i do know that i think i am having anxiety attacks..
certain things overwhelm me and i get chest pains and shortness of breath
my tounge feels like is swells and i have to lay down...

anyway

i do want to say this....

i would love to know what thing was placed in a mans head that makes them the way they are...
thought less....
completely selfish
rude
and always right

if anyone would care to shed some light on this....please please...
feel free to enlighten me

and why do we as women put up with the bull shit

for guilt maybe
past mistakes...

or maybe it s "for the kids"

not sure

i am not sure why women stay...
love?
fear?
i am exploring today..thoughts
so bear with me

i may blog alot
or none

never mind
i dont have shit to say

I love new kids

2008-05-23T06:08:00.001-07:00

so the response from the VIP blog was awesome
and yes i will be taking pledges for the walk schedule late july

lol

WALK FOR JEN TO SEE NEW KIDS IN DC

lol

more to follow

VIP

2008-05-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

so you see i am having issues

and not serious ones...like family issues or what have you

i am seriously stressing the fact that my loves, my new kids are not coming to pittsburgh, so now we have to stress about where we can go to see them

the ticket prices are outrageous....

they are making a pretty penny

but who cares

deb decided on dc cause we can stay with jen
and they have this package ...
VIP
that you can get on their web site
http://www.nkotb.com/

there you can get this package

THE VIP package

they should call it

you are over thirty now and you want that one last grasp on your teenage years tickets...

cause i am trying to figure out ways to get it....money wise

maybe i should to a walk

walk to send jen to see her first loves

or maybe sell candy for the trip..hey i can stop at the smithsonian....it could be educational...

but people please

to see these faces

and lets see ewhat else does this price include

ah yes a

Fucking MEET AND GREET

yes can you even believe it

i cant

so not only are in you the first ten rows

and lets face it

i am big

i will be in the front mid concert

but you can get them a week before anyone else

you have a pre party

and a fucking meet and greet

how can you say no

to whatever the price is

so what if the kids have to eat hot dogs and water all summer

im there!

im taking pledges....please leave info in the comments..thanks

yeah yeah

2008-05-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

so i was in the worst mood yesterday
i mean christ
i read the blogs
and well by now ....well
i say i am allowed like one a week
then two weeks
then monthly
so for now
just deal with it bitches

whatever

2008-05-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

i am so sick of my fake friends
how are you gonna say to me that you will always be there for me
but then when i have a day and i really need a break and i say
i was thinking of stopping over
and then no response
so then i say
oh well
i am just going to walk
and i get
ok call me when you get back if you need to talk
WHAT
then i call back and the person is drunk
hanging out with some chick
ok
i understand if you have plans
but just tell me
i am tired
i am always here for my friends
always
no matter what
if someone calls
i go
i am here
open house
i am so tired of every ~fucking ~body
tired
tired
tired

whatever
oh well....right
lol
christ

just a little life

2008-05-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

so i dont know what the hell is going on with this computer
i have to do the recovery shit everymorning...lol
just to get in touch with the internet
i love it here
babbling
reading
i love the internet....

anywho..

i have been doing a lot of thinking lately
about my own trials and tribulations...
my own shit
and the shit of those that i love
lol
i see people struggling with their day to day
just as i do

and listen folks
this has been a real shitty year so far and last year was no picninc either
...i feel like i am at a stand still with my growing and learning of me process
like i am treading water
i am just here

it is such a hard situation, and something only those of us that have gone through it...no matter what type...addiction is ...
HELL
you dont know how you started, or how you end up at such an emtional bottom....but you did and it takes alot to get out from underneath that...
that guilt
i dont know if it will ever go away for me...
all i know is now...
just need to make things better for my family everyday

anyway

as i was saying

i just feel there has gotta be something more to it than this
this day to day shit
just more to it
and i try to put more into my life
activities with the kids
movie night with them
taking them places
reading
or just playing with them or listening to them tell me stories...
i love that
i do

i feel like i am worth more than what i have..
i have wonderful kids...no arrgument there
thats not what i need more of
i am on full with that...

and i have an ok marriage
i work daily at it

marriage is the hardest thing, besides addiction that i have ever had to really struggle and work for daily
i didnt do that for a long time..

i wasnt used to having to prove my self to anyone
and now i do that on a daily basis

and i know fighting addiciton is one thing
i know that i need to do that on a daily basis
but am i really supposed to be putting up with so much of "life" (that's what i am gonna call bull shit from now on)
i mean i deal with a lot of "life"
from all ends

family
husband
friends

i just dont know how much is enough
how long do you let people pigeon hole you
just try to push you down
to hurt you
test your boundaries

i have become such a miserable bitch
and it is all because i have to suppress so much feeling and so much hurt
hide it all away

and well.....
we all know what happens when i bottle shit up..
hide away from the world
and i refuse to let that happen to me again

i am so tired
tired of the all this life i deal with

things have to change
i can only do so much from one side
the counseling
the therapy

yes it helps me
but i am not a me anymore
havent been for a long time
we are a we
a family

i just want to have an internal happiness
to feel complete...
does that happen
does anyone feel perfectly happy on a day to day basis
or does everyone put on that happy face
"oh we are so in love "
or
"oh my son is so perfect "in his nice shoes and matchine outfits.........
or
my kids are f-ing geniuses....we are reading war and peace
at like 2

i mean
i am so tired of questioning myself
and dont get me wrong
i dont want perfect
i know now there is no such thing..........no where!

but what is good enough

and why

why the fuck at 33 soon to be 34 am i so fucking worried what people say about me
seriously

when does the insecurity leave you..
ever?

alright i am done

seriously
sometimes i have really shitty days
and i question so much
and most of the time
no
i do not get the answers
but it keeps my head clear if i can ask

hello

2008-05-20T03:42:00.000-07:00

ok everyone..
i know you have missed me
i know
i think i was like a computer geek in another life...
but i got it
and i found the recovery disk #2 in my sons cd player...
so that also helped
lol
ha ha
so stay tuned i have lots to catch up on

new kids

2008-05-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

OH well

i didn't make it to new york

deb made it on to just like she said

i am working on getting the images from the show to here....soon to come

anyway

emma and deb and jen

emma holding the sign.."2nd Generation new kids fan"

deb holding a sign that i think said "Jon, my husband said i can marry you"

jens sign said ...i am sorry jen

i cant remember at the momnent

something about joe....

i am very happy for them
for deb

sure

happy

yeah thats it

not jealous

i should have been there, but

OH WELL
she got to see the first of the many new kids concerts to come
the much anticipated reunion that i missed
but through her i was there, in spirit

as i sat and watched at home

i lost my breath

got the butterflies back in my stomach

and shed a tear

as the curtain dropped and the vision of my boys on stage....

i could not contain myself

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i have waited for this day

and too see them all together on stage agian was weird...

took me back....

and yes..i actually did shed a tear

to hear .........

WOAH OH OH O OH...

hangin tough........

and

firts time was a great time

second time was a blast...........

and see the crowd hand waving..........

oh my god

joe actually sang please don'to go girl with "the hat"

you know the one

with no top

shit i lost the picture..................

sorry

anyway

i love him

i always did and always will...........LOL

in this pic he is saying......

"Jen, one more chance.....I better see you in Cleveland.......love you"

ha ha

no new kids for me

2008-05-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

my dream has been shattered
my trip is canceled...
all i want to say is thanks
you know who you are
i had these plans for months
MONTHS i say...
and you are keeping me away from my one true everlasting love
how dare you
all of you
my heart grows colder for you daily...
i will have to watch my love on the tv as always...
but oh well i geuss huh...
just another something on my list that has been canceled due to what........
jealousy
or just plan ...you dont want me to be happy at all!
just wants me to sit in the house....
with the kids
not in new york
with my new kids....
oh well
right
that is the saying of my life..
so i say farewell debby
please give dw my love
NOT ALL OF MY LOVE deb
just a little
fuck
i am so mad

attack of the adult zit

2008-05-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

i would like some advice
from the older set of ladies that read this little bloggy blogg

I am thiry something...young thirties ...there you go

and well....

i am beginning to wonder

WHY THE FUCK I HAVE BOILS ERRUPTING ON MY CHIN

i mean really
i can handle the occasional blemish
but this really

i was talking with my mom yesterday...
nice kitchen talk
mothers day
me, her, billy
and i am like
"mom...that stuff you gave me isnt working...neither is the clinique....i dont know what i need to do"
i think billy may have had a few suggestions...
lol
then my mom turns to me and says
"have you tried soap "

AHHHHHHHH HAAAAAAAA

lol

thanks mom
no
i dont use soap

christ

but if anyone has serious adult onset acne....can you let me know what the hell i should do...
i have actually increased water intake...
wash the face............with soap
use the erythromiacin acid shit
acne spot treatment from clinique
does pro active work?

cause i am at a loss...
I cannot see donnie wahlberg like this......
help

i love dw

2008-05-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

just few more days
i have butterflies just thinking about it.....
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hi

2008-05-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

hello all
just checking in
the computer should be back soon...
just wanted to say hi
geese
i miss blogging
i have been so moody lately
i have no where to vent...lol
well....i geuss i will post soon
pictures that is
i have been stocking up
lol
new kids
may 16th
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh