Wednesday, March 25, 2009

bye tom...

the call came yesterday
i geuss everyone knew it was for years, just when it comes
its sad
dj's life long friend tom
tom died yesterday of an accidental overdose
he was found in his house
apparently there is no service
dont know how a family can have someone die and not say goodbye
it is sad
even though i knew it would come
to feel alone
to turn to drugs
he is in a better place now
no pain

i couldnt see him, i couldnt find him, but in his eyes, through his tears, i saw his beautiful soul..
that is from him...the last time i saw him...

Monday, March 23, 2009

catching up with old friends...............

just look at this
i mean really
i love this shit

read on about a crazy weekend
was totally messed up with a migraine this weekend
but soldiered up for this

yes ladies and gents
a night with the new kids
erie, pa

and thanks to a facebook message from angelo madonna to call dan vok...that it was very important
i was again front and center for a new kids concert
well, front and center on the back stage.........

i mean....donnie IS looking at me here

i am pretty sure he remembered who i was from the dc show
i was the only female towering over the little people
i love my height when i am at a new kids concert

jordan....nice to see you again....

and danny.....looking good

danny has apparently been working out a little more
i mean check the blog from oct
the arms werent this big and he looks REALLY good in person migraine and LOVING the new kids..
i mean the only thing that could have made this night a little more perfect was partner
but thanks to sue
aka....babysitting gramma

who insists on going to these far off lands...i mean who vacations in VIETNAM


sue does...but deb IS eight months prego and well....if she would have birthed at the concert then i would have missed this..............and well..wait
i bet deb that if we get you to birth at a new kids show..
you will DEFINATELY get jons attention...........and we can hang and have pics
i tend to drift off
i will be like this for the next couple of days.....
its like new kids mania

now before you see the below photo...i gotta give you the story
donnie was talking to everyone....and my god..i have to get the video uploaded
but anywhooooooooooo
donnie asked for my friends hat...
i thought for sure he wanted me on the stage
like waving his finger like jonny did to baby in dirty dancing...i was totally lost and in love for 2.3 seconds
and then as i tried to get hello ladies...
he said come on...i realized he was asking for the hat
-i do have this all on video.........
it will be up soon..
i just cant remember how i got the girls on
donnie took the hat, put it on joes head and then jow took it off and gave it back to donnie and then he threw it back into my hands and back onto her head

this was right after it...
on the video you can actually see him laugh with me...shrug and
LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
he totally remembered me

heres to you my five favorite men of all time
you brought another night of happiness into my life

i got to see old friends and meet some new ones too...
what a show
what a night

thanks dan vok
hearing from an old friend
out of the blue
was awesome
and what makes it better is that he really thought of me before putting them on ebay
you owed me anyway
from the time you told dom you knew....
we are now even

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

my girls are gonna be famous

my kids wanna be famous...
lil and ab wanna be on i carly
so i am sending this video..
lily wrote it


Wednesday, March 4, 2009

im done with you

i sit here wondering....
why do i let it happen
why do i fall for all this bullshit
why cant i just walk away
is it the guilt that i keep putting up with the abuse
the hurt
who has these answers for me
just when i think that all is ok...that things are going my way
that i am finally going to be head above water
i get a punch in the gut

i have been in my house now for two weeks
appreciating all that i have somewhat let go..not paid very much attention to
like the laughter of my kids
walking with collin and enjoying a cup of hot chocolate with him while he tells me his "funny" story
laughing with abby cause she had two different shoes on for mixed matched day
listening to jared finally open up to me about his life...just his 9 year old life
lily....telling me how she knows everything in school...shes bored...lmao

i did took these things for granted..and it is nights like this that i fall asleep and wake to find out these crazy people....
people that just dont wanna see me happy
these people that leave me the most ridiculous messages in my email, myspace and facebook..
trying to set me up .... make me feel stupid

i am not that stupid and actually, i am pretty smart...

i am tired people...
i am tired of living in this shadow..
shadow of guilt

see it is pretty easy to get me,
cause when i catch you hurting is pretty easy to flip the script..
turn it around
make me feel guilty
so there is no other choice other than to cut you out
no more
i refuse to hurt anymore
i have spent so much of my life trying to make up
for insecurites,
i am not a bad person
i made alot of bad coices
i do not deserve to live like this anymore
my kids are so happy that i am happy
so please ...dont call me
dont txt me
dont message me
dont send me emails

let my kids be happy with the mom they deserve
i will not answer anymore negative comments, emails, phone calls


and if you keep it up...i will file charges

i am 33 years old...i am not a junior in high school
im done with you

Monday, March 2, 2009

crazy bitch

so everyone knows how i stay in my head....ALOT
i over think everything
but last week, i literally went crazy
i was a guinnea pig for anti depressants and mood stabilizers and really thought about ending my life....
for real
the meds did not mix well and actually made the depression worse
so any of you that got a taste of that...sorry cause on top of the meds i was still dealing with everything else..
i didnt tell anyone, my therapist, no one else
she helped me through
took me off the depakote...
apparently, i am not bi polar enough to need that
so just lexapro for now...
i feel wonderful
seems it takes tragedy to show you happiness
the meds, the new job....
this has been the best four days of my life i think
i got a start date for work
i am going to be making more money than i ever did in my life and be able to retire a county worker!!!
relief to be able to stand on my own
i will be able to pay back EVEYONE i owe money too..
uncle tom , you are first on the list!!!
i feel like i just woke up
medication is wonderful..i geuss that is what it is
and after months of wondering where i was, where i was going...
i know now
i have been really messed up for a lot of years
i cant blame anyone anymore...i mean a lot of you dont have any idea what i endured early on in life...early on in my dating life..
wanted to be accepted and the shit i dealt with..well...
lets just say i have forgiven all that hurt me and i hope one day i will be forgiven by those i hurt
i have to let go..i have said it before..that i am, but i havent
i am trying
to let go of the shit i did..
and some day i will be free of it...
but for now,
i am focusing on me!!!
me and my kids, watching them laugh...
and as for all of you that are trying to hold me back
by talking about me
saying hurtful things...
fuck you

i am over it
i like where i am today
just seems like everytime that i start to feel ok, someone has to try to knock me down
write it down, get it out of my head and move on
thanks for letting me get rid of it